When a child says to you, “You’re just trying to control me,” usually he or she is inviting you to a fight. The perception for parents here is that your child is challenging your authority. If you respond to that, you’re giving them more power. Try not

to get into a power struggle or screaming match, and don’t deny the obvious. Sometimes parents say, “No, I’m not trying to control you,” when in fact, they really are. Generally, the best thing for you to do is to avoid that fight. Remember, you don’t have to participate in every fight you’re invited to attend.

Child: “You just want to control me!”

Translation: “I’m not going to do what you’re asking me to do—instead I’m going to argue with you about it.”

Ineffective response: “It’s my house, and I will control you.”

Effective response: “I’m trying to get you to meet your responsibilities, not control you.” Or, “I want you to take responsibility for your behavior. That’s not trying to control you.”

How to use this in an everyday parenting situation:  Say your teenage son or daughter refuses to comply with their 9 pm curfew and comes home an hour late. If you hold them accountable for their curfew time and they come back with, “Why are you being such a pain? You’re just trying to control me,” remember: that’s an invitation to a fight that will lead to nowhere but more frustration. Keep the focus on the child’s responsibility—meeting curfew—and stay out of the quagmire of an argument by saying, “It’s your responsibility to be home by nine. That’s not trying to control you.” When a child wants to get out of meeting responsibility, the quickest way to do that is to make a power thrust at you and try to make you angry. Don’t fall for it.

Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and parenting blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and defiant teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.