Re: To smack or not to smack?
Asked by inquisitive-creatures
Question:
Hi all, I was just wondering how others dicipline their children. My son (who is 21 months old) plays up whenever I am trying to change his nappy after he's pooed.
I change him on a change mat on a single bed and it has gotten to the point where he crawls away from me and gets poo everywhere. He puts his hand in it, feet in it, etc. Today he wouldn't lay still to let me change him so I smacked him lightly 3 times (this just resulted in him laughing at me). I then lost my temper when he wouldn't stop trying to get away from me and so I smacked him really hard on the thigh leaving a massive red hand-mark and made him cry. I feel absolutely horrible now but my Mum says he needs to learn and that you are protecting his health because you don't want him being covered in his own poo. I know other Mum's who smack and both my hubby and I were smacked growing up and had no problem with it but I didn't want to do it with my son. Whenever he gets up to mischief I usually tell him off but don't smack him and I know of the naughty chair but what do I do when I'm trying to change him? Please help? Am I a bad mum?
My Advice:
Why do we smack?
As a mandated notifier of child abuse (i.e.- if I am caring for a child whom I suspect is being abused, I legally have to report it) and a mother of 3 young children, I know both the professional and parent side of this issue. Everyone has their own idea of what is right, and what is wrong, and with so many opinions coming your way, it is hard to know which way to go.
As a parent of young children, I know that it can be difficult to maintain a calmness that promotes positive discipline. Everyone has their limits, and young children certainly know how to make you reach those limits. We all try to be the best parents that we can but it seems that children are sent to us to test our weaknesses.
Before you smack your child, ask yourself these questions, it may make you think twice about laying a hand on your child in anger or frustration.
~firstly – If you smack your child, will it be relieving you anger and frustration or do you truly believe that it will benefit your child?
~predict how you may feel after smacking your child- do you think you might regret it once the child has a throbbing red leg and crying?
~think about how your child may then view you- Do you want him to be fearful, scared, withdrawn (because this is how children react when being hit. You may think it’s because they are now quietly behaving themselves) OR respectful of your authority?
~Imagine you are in public, or your house is full of cameras where everyone can scrutinize your every move- would you still behave the same way knowing that someone was watching?
~are you just repeating the behaviours that your parents used?
If you feel that your child is so out of control that they need a smack, you may need to look within yourself to see how you react when you feel out of control. If you can learn to model calmness in the face of chaos, your child will eventually learn the same.
Parents often smack because they are angry, frustrated and feel powerless.
Keep in mind that young children will reach their ‘out of control’ stage much earlier than adults. Prevention is better than cure. Avoid getting children worked up/or needing to focus when they are tired/hungry/overexcited. Young children cannot rationalize or reason, there is no point in trying to explain behaviours at length, as they will not understand. Certainly give the young child a short explanation, but keep it simple, “you need to lie still while I am changing your nappy”.
Take a step back from the situation. Take a few breaths and try to observe the situation as an outsider.
Learn some calming techniques like slow breathing, visualization, etc.
Repeat the mantra “I am in control”, “I command respect”, “I have authority”. Convince yourself and you will start to act that way. Be confident in yourself and your ability as a parent.
I find that singing to myself, and blocking out the chaos is a good way to stay calm (“I will survive” by Gloria Gaynor is a good one).
Remove uneccessary noise and stressors (does that TV really need to be blaring, do you really need to have that conversation with your husband right now? Etc).
The naughty corner works for my 3 year old son. Confiscating toys or removing privileges works for his twin sister. Find what technique works for you.
If the smack is premeditated, repeated, or you have to walk away from the situation to get a smacking implement (like a wooden spoon), then my concerns would be toward child abuse.
If the smack is to relieve your own frustration, I would try to develop some techniques other then taking it out on your child- he is still learning, its not his fault.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Parenting a child and discipline are the hardest jobs in the world. We all hope that we can produce healthy, well adjusted and socially adaptable children.
Good for you for asking this very hard question.
All the best.
(November 24th) (
