Kids Can Be Cruel: Covering the Hurt

When I was growing up, I was a chubby kid. ( Who am I kidding? I am still that way!) Going back to school after the summer ended was always so hard. I knew that I was going back to an environment where the kids would point at me and laugh and make up names like "blubberbutt" or something like that behind my back. Their words stung. All I wanted was to be accepted. All I wanted was a friend.

Now, in our soceity childhood obesity is on the rise. In Canada in 1978 only 3% of children ages 2-17 were obese. In 2004, it was 8%. 500,000 estimated children are overweight, and it seems to be becoming the norm. Still, the "skinny" kids are the only ones that are accepted. Numbers don't matter - it's all relative. Kids will always be kids, and let's face it, kids can be nasty.

When I was in grade five, we had "physical education" every friday afternoon just before it was time to go home. One afternoon near the end of the school year, we were playing basketball in the gym. The teacher had a number of kids on the court, and a number of kids off on the bench waiting for the switch. I was one of the benched kids, not looking forward to having to play at any moment. Just before the whistle blew for the switch to be made, one of my classmates, Mary, fell and twisted her ankle. At least, we thought it had been twisted. But, as we learned shortly after it was actually broken. Her parents were called, and before long she was off to the ER, but not before she told the rest of the class that I sat on it and that was how her bone broke. The pain those words caused me was so severe, that now even years later, it still stings thinking about it.

A few years later, we were in my backyard playing on the swingset. I have two brothers and a sister, and of course, some of the neighbourhood kids were around to play as well. Everyone was on the rickety old wooden swingset, and when I started to climb on the ladder, the whole thing collapsed. Circumstancial, of course, but even my own siblings were saying that I broke the swingset because I was too fat and shouldn't play on it. To this day, we still joke about it. But, I must admit, it still kind of hurts that they would even THINK that.

In both of these circumstances, my parents were there for me. My mother was the one who called the school when I burst into tears as soon as I got home after the "broken foot" incident. The teacher was so upset that anyone would say that about me, and apologized...but it was my mother who really made me feel better with her actions - standing up for me in love. My father was the one who punished my siblings (mainly my older brother) for accusing me for breaking the swingset. He said that it was 12 years old and was only guaranteed for 10 years, it was old and it was rusted out and he knew it would break eventually. He explained in his smart, mathematical way that it was the cause of ten kids crawling all over it that made it meet its maker. In love, he stood by my side and helped to heal my hurt feelings.

Maybe it is wrong of me to still feel a little sore when thinking back on those two incidents from childhood. But isn't it true that childhood shapes adolescence and adulthood? Doesn't childhood help to create who you are and who you will become? Self esteem in childhood is absolutely no exception to that rule. It is important to realize that self-esteem helps kids make the most of their lives. When kids feel good about themselves, they see themselves as capable and worthy of love and respect. Self-esteem and body image go hand-in-hand. When children feel confident within themselves, they understand that their appearance is just one aspect of who they are, not the main measurement of their worth. Parents play an important role in helping their children develop positive self-esteem and a healthy body image. Children who are viewed as different from others, including larger than average children, need extra support and encouragement from their families.

Help your children feel good about their bodies. Here are some ideas:  

• Help your child understand that people come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes.
• Talk about how the media promotes an “ideal” body shape and size for men and women. This “ideal” is not possible for most people.
• Help kids understand that their bodies will be changing and growing, especially during puberty.
• Focus on your child’s strengths and abilities, not on their size and appearance.
• Become more aware of the messages that you send about your own body and the comments you make about other people’s bodies.
• Help your child deal with put-downs and negative comments.

When dealing with children's hurts from negative comments and teasing, consider these ideas:

• No one has the right to criticize another person’s body.
• Comments directed at a fat child as a way of shaming him/her to lose weight is cruel -- “If you lost weight maybe kids wouldn’t tease you so much”.
• If you witness teasing, be firm about stopping it. State in a calm voice to the child doing the teasing that their words are hurtful and you want them to stop.
• If your child is being bullied at school, become their advocate. Tell them it’s not their fault and that adult help is usually needed. Seek help from the school in dealing with the situation.
• Teach your kids to stick up for friends who are being bullied. Bullies lose their power if bystanders are willing to go to a trusted adult for help. Let your kids know that getting help for a bullied child is not “tattling”.
• Be alert to examples of size discrimination in our society, such as fat jokes or the use of rude names such as “fatso”. Help your children understand that these comments are not funny, they are hurtful and undeserved.

Self esteem is so important to both children AND adults, regardless of their weight, their shape and their body size. Something that I still do for myself when I feel down in the dumps or have negative feelings about myself is to remind myself that I am beautiful inside and out, no matter what anyone on the outside might think.

Love your kids, and help them to love themselves, no matter how they make look. It's not about how they appear, it's about who they become.