My name is Bec and I am a nutbag.  

Well, not really (and apologies to anyone who is offended by the term nutbag).  It's just that I have bi-polar disorder and at times experience extreme anxiety that pretty much ties me to home base.

Bi-polar disorder

is a medical condition resulting in the fluctuation of moods - from deepest darkest depression to the sweeping heights of mania - and sometimes you find the balance and mood life goes on quite normally.  I have never experienced the grand delusions of thinking that I am a religious icon, famous movie star or political super machine.  

My lows are REALLY low - suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, feelings of complete inadequacy, paranoia and raging anger.  The depression has physiological effects on my body - from numbness, shaking  to free flowing tears.  A body made of lead with blood of poison coursing through my veins.  Anxiety plagues my every move and it takes every ounce of strength to get out of bed to care for my family.

My highs are fabulous (except for the copious amounts of money that get spent - that we can't afford to spend).  When I'm high, I enrol in 3 of 4 university subjects externally through distance education.  At the same time I have the most WONDERFUL ideas for business and community - once I even registered a not for profit organisation to play my small part in changing the world for the better.  

The crash.  Like the stockmarket crash of the 1920's, my mood crash has long lasting repercussions.  FEEHELP debts that I've racked up by enolling in subjects that I have never completed.  Bank and creditor statements unopend and thrown in the bin.  The commitments I have made either financially, time wise or socially that I can no longer honour and am too scared to pick up a phone and call people to make arrangements or change plans.  The crash reinforces the depressed negative chatter in my head (which doesn't need much help during the depressive phase) and feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, guilt and pain cycle round and round.

It's a rollercoaster ride, that's for sure.  And you know what?  There is help available.  

The highs just ain't worth it.  Go to your GP, get a referral for a pyschiatrist or psychologist, find out what resources are available to you to get you through this time.  For me, medication was the real help.  I was given a mood stabiliser (lithium) and an antidepressant to help even out those dreaded fluctuations.  I wish I'd gotten help sooner.

After the birth of my first child, I had horrible "visions".  I'd look at a framed photo of my son, and around it would see candles - as if a shrine.  I was terrified that he was going to die.  I couldn't tell anyone about this at the time as I was scared that people would think that I was nuts, and unable to care for my child. 

After the birth of my second child, I saw myself hanging from rafters, felt a burning desire in my wrists to slit them (which is weird as I have a bit of a fear of knives), smoked incessantly and felt the desire to burn myself with cigarettes.  I finally asked for help (but being the type of person who always wears a smile - no matter how bad things are) and people didn't take me seriously.  "You'll be right, love - just hang in there".

The turning point for me was a depression so hard that I just wanted to run away from myself.  I was filled with self loathing.  I couldn't fathom inflicting this sorrow and pain on my children.  Holding them in my arms was the best thing I ever did that day.  I had something beautiful to live for.  Something beautiful to get well for - to be the best I could be.

We were living in Victoria at the time, and had moved their before the birth of our first child.  I had no friends or social networks established, and no family nearby.  I moved back to Queensland with the children whilst my husband stayed on for a few months to tie things up with work.   Things were really hard, I was extremely depressed and looking after a 1yr old and a 2yr old by myself was exhausting when all I really wanted to do was curl up and sleep forever.  

After my husband moved up, I called a private psychiatric hospital (I have health insurance) and begged them to admit me.  I just couldn't hang in there for much longer.  I was hanging on by a thread.  They did, and it was a wonderful, comforting experience that provided me with a diagnosis, a lot of knowlege thanks to their Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions (a few a day in a group situation) as well as daily one on one therapy.  They got me on stable, monitorred medication and gave me the chance to "peace out" for a while.

I still have ups and downs, but they are far less dangerous to my health, and to the emotional health of my family.  If you are in a situation whereby you feel life is too hard, please do get help.

If you have a friend or family member who you feel needs help, or has approached you and you weren't sure what to do, here's my advice:

1. Listen to them with compassion and empathy.  It's not easy asking for help, especially with something that is deemed socially unacceptable.  
2. Don't try and "fix it".  Guide them to professional resources, offer to go with them to an appointment, for some moral support
3. Don't tell them to cheer up, buck up, look on the bright side, be positive - or any other catch phrase that invalidates their feelings.  Clinical depression is not something you can just snap out of (as much as we wish it could be).
4. Remain in contact.  I know that I am a SHOCKER (as many of my friends will tell you) for keeping in contact when I am down.  Negative thoughts and paranoia run through my head, things like "they won't want to hear from me, I'm too much trouble" etc.  Friends who know of my condition call me, and with humour give me a gentle ribbing about my crap participation in our friendship at this time.  I LOVE them for it.  Some friends have dropped away, and I understand.  It's not easy to have a friend who goes AWOL for indefinate periods of time.  
5. Encourage gentle exercise - everyone needs an exercise buddy, and exercise is a terrific mood lifter.

Love you lots and good mental health to you all!

xxxx