Preparing a child for a new baby

When I was pregnant with my 3rd baby, I felt I had to make the decision whether or not to let my twins (then aged 3 and ½) be present at the birth.  For most of the way through, I

remained undecided, but in the end I made the decision that: if the baby was born during the day then there would be family there to assess how they are coping and remove them from the situation as necessary, and if it was at night then they would be asleep in bed and meet the baby in the morning.

I decided that I should prepare my kids for either outcome

Preparing kids for being present at a birth

My kids have been exposed to pictures and descriptions of the human body and its functions since very early on (the result of being the children of a nurse) and I have no problem with being honest with them about childbirth.  Now, this may not work for some parents, and some may disagree as to how much to tell a child.  I felt it was important for them to be completely prepared for what they may see because I knew that it would be traumatic for them to witness mummy in distress if they did not know what was going on.

The preparation started by explaining that there was a baby in mummy’s tummy.  I also made sure that they realised that this baby would be coming to live with us and that the baby would be sleeping in its new room.  We asked our kids if they would like a brother or sister but made sure they knew that no one had a choice in what they got, because it was a special surprise for all of us.

We watched a documentary together, several times (my kids actually requested to watch this after seeing it the first time) called “The Miracle of Love”.  This video describes the process of conception (we usually skipped this bit) and showed the development of the baby in the mothers womb, right up until childbirth.  I was present the whole time when watching this video and gave the kids my own running commentary in language they could understand.

I found some videos on the internet during a google video search or childbirth.  These were quite graphic but I made sure I explained to my kids about how the baby comes out, where it comes out from and the process of labour from start to finish.  I told them that it hurts to push a baby out, and that mummy may cry and be very tired because it is hard work, but also reassured them that that’s ok.

We bought the book “Where Did I Come From”.  They were able to read this and look at the pictures.  The whole way through, my kids were fascinated with my pregnancy and seemed really interested about the baby growing.  They learned about belly buttons, umbilical cords and breastfeeding.

My kids loved watching my ultrasound video and I think this helped to create a bond before the baby was born, as they had already seen her.

By the end of my pregnancy, My kids understood that: Babies come out of mummies vaginas, having a baby is hard work and mummy might cry, mummy would be sore afterwards, the baby would be born in hospital and the kids would come to visit, the baby had to grow enough before it came out (this was the answer to the “when is the baby coming” question).  I felt that they were as prepared as they could be.  It was hilarious to watch my son pretend to be in labour, or my daughter lift up her top and pretend to breastfeed her dolly, but at the same time, embarassing to hear my child say, very loudly in the middle of a shopping centre "babies come out of mummy's vaginas".  I knew that my efforts had worked.

I made sure that I told my kids that the baby might decide to be born at night, and if that was the case then mummy would not be home when they woke in the morning, but gran would be there and they would get to visit the new baby once they were up and dressed.  The night before I went into labour, I spent a long time explaining this to the kids, and we talked about them visiting me in hospital.  I had a feeling that the baby would be born that night so I spent more time preparing them for the fact that mummy probably wouldn’t be home in the morning.  This was a good, instinctive move, because our baby girl was born at 1:48 that morning.

Preparing kids for welcoming a new baby

 In the weeks leading up to the birth, I took my kids to the shops and they each picked out a present for the baby.  They helped me wrap the presents when we got home and gave the presents to the baby during the first hospital visit.

I went shopping by myself, and bought the kids a present each from the baby.  I thought it would be nice for the kids to have something new in hospital and also to teach them that having a new baby is nice (because this new baby is my friend and she gave me a present).

The kids had cuddles with the baby and we were very specific in involving them.  I made sure I had cuddles and conversations with the older kids, when the baby was being held by someone else, so that they didn’t feel ignored or left out, and to prevent jealousy.  This continued at home.  I feel it’s very important not to exclude older kids when a new baby is born.  The other extreme was the new mother in the room next door to mine, who seemed to be constantly screaming at her toddler to “go away, I can’t breastfeed with you here” or “the baby is trying to sleep”, “shut up, you’re making too much noise” etc.  I felt really sorry for this child and predicted some major jealousy issues when that baby got home. This poor mum was obviously not coping.  I think its important to have supports available to help out with older children, so that mums tiredness and frustration doesn’t get taken out on the sibling.

Bringing baby home

Kids have to know that the new baby is now part of the family and is not going to be returned to the hospital.  I tried to make the home environment as normal as possible for the older 2.  They didn’t have to be quiet and they were allowed to play as normal.  This meant that the baby learned to sleep with all sorts of noise and the kids didn’t feel put out by having a baby at home.  I think constant “shooshing” of kids just makes them feel like having a baby at home is a bad thing, because they have to be quiet all the time and are not allowed to play properly or have fun. I made sure I allocated special time with the older kids, so that they didn’t feel jealous of my attention to the new baby.  I made sure the kids new that I would be breastfeeding, and that they were not allowed to feed her any food.  I taught my kids that new babies are fragile but made sure they had lots of cuddles with her.

The outcome

We have had a few minor, short lived, jealously situations that have been easily overcome.  If anything, I think my kids love the baby a little too much.  They always want to include her in play and have to be reminded that she is only little and can’t play the same games yet.  They also need to be reminded that they can’t just pick her up and have a cuddle whenever they want.  Sometimes they are a bit rough with her, but I think that comes down to them being twins, and growing up with each other being at the same play level.  It takes a bit of getting used to a new sibling that is a bit behind the twin sibling level of play they are accustomed to.