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ADVICE RATING |
 4.72 (Highly recommend) from 9 votes (154 Visits) |
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Get REAL!!! ...Mum & Dad are human, too! |
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by bruciegee  (January 2009) (rank 500+) |
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Our little family is of mixed cultural heritage... my lovely wife comes from a relatively pure Asian heritage, while I am a white Australian (i.e. Caucasion 'bitsa'). We met and married overseas, and have lived in both Asian and 'Western' cultures for large blocks of time... so up until a couple of years ago, when my 3 daughters were asked about their own cultural identity by strangers or new friends, they were just as likely to get 3 different answers ... or a shrug and a blank stare! (They've now been in Aussie-land long enough for them all to answer confidently, "I'm Australian"... I'm fairly sure that that's a good thing??? )
The mix of different cultural ideas on parenting from both our birth cultures and the ones we've been immersed in wherever we live has been fascinating! I guess in broad strokes I could say we've tried to combine an Asian sense of honour for and obedience to parents with a more Westernised democratic feel ("kids have rights, and deserve respect, too!"), all under the over-arching Christian world-view that comes from our faith, which is what holds us together!
One issue I've found interesting to navigate around, is how much to admit weakness / fault / wrong-doing on the part of parents (and particularly the other parent! ).
While it is relatively much easier for me to swallow my pride and say "Sorry, Daddy was being a complete idiot just then!", or "when I disciplined you just now, I was stressed and cranky about something that happened at work. I yelled and turned purple, when all you needed was a firm reminder. I'm sorry! Forgive me?", or even "don't ask me just now... give me a little time to finish throwing this tantrum, and then I might give you a human response!"... it is a completely different story for my lovely Asian wife, for whom admitting parental error outright is almost blasphemous! I have witnessed where she has, to her great credit, bravely gone where none of her family members have been before her on quite a number of occasions... but for the most part, ' Mummy is ALWAYS unquestionably right!'. We've had lots of short but quite animated 'discussions' about this over the years... but I've come to realise that it is what it is... a cultural fortress, that isn't going to be very effectively tackled or adjusted head on!
I've noticed as our girls get older -- and particularly as they grow up in an Aussie environment; that they struggle more against this... and feel sometimes that it may have the potential to mess with their heads a little! ( "I know inside that that was not fair, and yet I wonder if somehow my compass is skewed!?")
I think that what I can do to best help balance that equilibrium is by modelling the reality that parents love you and want to do their best, but regularly stuff up -- I mostly do that using my own quite readily available examples , but occasionally by debriefing a particularly enfuriating incident with mum: helping the child to work through and understand this is what Mum was concerned about... and this is why... but the way she expressed it was probably a little over the top, right?! Yep, news flash: Mum is human! ... she has blind spots and character flaws just like Daddy does, and like you do, too! In fact, everybody you will ever meet has their own set of weaknesses! But you know what, we can learn something from other people's stuff-ups and weaknesses and foibles, as well as our own! And when we recognise and accept them as part of every person, they don't have the same power to hurt or upset us!
Communicating honestly, and in a balanced way, about the weaknesses of us as parents -- and other adults and authority figures -- gives our kids the opportunity to grow in confidence to trust their own 'internal compasses'... and also the wisdom to recognise, accept and not be messed up by the 'shadow side' of others that they build relationships with. It's great for them (and us) to know inside that a person can be good, love me, be 'right' for me -- but still stuff up and offend me, just because they're not perfect... which means I don't have to paint everything they do in the same colour: nobody is ALL right or ALL wrong!!
This translates of course into better understanding teachers, school administrators, coaches, friends, possible future partners... and therefore having healthier boundaries and healthier relationships all 'round.
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| ADVICE RATING |
4.72 (Highly recommend) from 9 votes |
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Re: Guess what? Mum & Dad are human, too!
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Re: Guess what? Mum & Dad are human, too!
gday,i dont have much of a response except to say that you are both parents first and that your culrural backgrounds is second although this may influence your parenting decisions.
not sure if this helps or not but i have a very good chinese background friend, probably as much 5th generation australian as i am, given she grew up on christmas island. but what i have observed and she has admitted is that she thinks in chinese,then translates into 'aussie'.
so it might be worth checking out with your wife what her head thinks, then translates, it might in fact be the same as what you are thinking.
either way, wheher of your is from mars etc, it is important to give discipline together and consistently, if ofr no other reason than your kids know they will get the same answer regardless of which parent they go to. this is a hard thing for us parents to work out without a cultural difference, but if we can the kids have a clear idea of what is ok and what is not
i hope this helps
regards kath
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Re: Guess what? Mum & Dad are human, too!
Thanks for the suggestions, Kath... and you're right, we are 1st parents, and individual people ... not just products of our cultures. In fact, I think almost all couples are going to have 'cultural' differences, even if it's just different ways their families did stuff... and every couple are going to have differences of strengths/weaknesses/opinions/likes and dislikes... after all, nobody wants to be married to a clone!!
My wife and I both communicate freely in either English or Chinese... and she's fairly direct about when she does and doesn't agree with me! I hope it didn't sound like I was bagging Asian parenting... I think that most cultures have something to teach others about the ways that we relate to one another in families and communities... and I am personally very thankful and appreciative of the influence of Asian cultures on our family and my children's values. I think that exposure to different cultures just tends to help us appreciate some of the strengths of our own... but also identify some of the weaker areas!
I'm so with you on consistency in boundaries and discipline for the kids... and we try hard to do this (and succeed most times, I believe! ... if mum has said "no", I'm not going to say "yes"!)... I do think that in every relationship I've observed tho', even where the external boundaries are clear, that there are differences the kids will pick up on... you might not want to talk to Dad when he's watching the news, for instance... while Mum might be happy to discuss it with you! These are often not "black and white" issues, but preferences and personality differences... I want my kids knowing that some things are ok in some circumstances and not in others -- appropriately matching behaviour and environment... and learning to understand and 'read' others, are important skills for real life!
I think I was trying to make the point that because we are all imperfect people, that we can help the kids know that just because Mum or Dad does something, it doesn't make it automatically ok! If I lose my temper and swear at them, because I've had a bad day at work and they do some tiny little thing that sets me off, then I want them to identify that this is NOT 'ok' behaviour -- I hope that they can accept that Dad is sometimes frazzled, forgive me if (when!) I'm grumpy and unreasonable... but not to be thinking that Dad is behaving appropriately when I'm not!!
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Re: Guess what? Mum & Dad are human, too!
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