Re: sex??
Asked by stellaloubser

Question:

My 7-year old boy seems suddenly to be very interested in sex!!!  Just 2 weeks ago I caught him and his friend in his (my son's) room under the blanket touching each other.  I was very

shocked and told the mother of the friend what happend - she was very relaxed about it and claimed it to be just curiosity.  I had a chat with my son and told him where babies come from, etc. and that he shouldn't touch anybody else's bodyparts or let anybody touch his.  I thought it was dealt with......  Today I discovered that he and the same friend's sister (who is1 year older that my son) were kissing yesterday.  I haven't gone over to the mother - don't have the courage yet, and also can't even talk to my son.  I'm so disappointed!!!!  It feels as if my son is obsessed with sex!!!  We don't watch any sex tv/movies or have sex magazines.  I don't  how to handle the situation or how to deal with it.  ANY help/suggestions will be most welcome.  Thank you

My Advice:

From what you've shared, I would suggest that you probably do not need to be overly concerned ... I think all children get to a stage where they are curious about body parts that are different in boys and girls... and 7 is not an unusual age for that to show itself; but that curiosity is DIFFERENT to interest in sex (that'll come later!... but hopefully not for a few years yet!)

I'll share a couple of things from my own experience -- and apologise for any unfortunate mental pictures!

I remember being 'sprung' as a 7 or 8 year old one of the times I was playing "doctor" with the children from across the road -- we were all curious about these 'hidden' places... Through that and other experiences and things we heard, the message was reinforced that it was socially unacceptable to be looking, touching or asking too much about these private parts. I know that none of us had any 'sex drive' at that stage, because we began to discover sexual urges and information about sexual interaction years later (and had some conversations and q & a time together about it that we would think fairly quaint and amusing now!) The next interaction I had with a group of kids and the nether regions was as a 12 yr-old on a kids camp, where the boys in the tent all compared our (recently discovered) erections on demand ( of course we all had to confess that they also happened at moments when we really didn't want one!) Now that obviously revealed interest in sex... but in itself was also not a sexual experience in itself... we were all talking big about whether we'd have the courage to "do it" with a girl of each of our affections at the time ... if only we didn't have to worry about pregnancy! (Yes, I'm showing my age, I know... no talk then of HIV infection, or even any other STD's... and nobody mentioned a condom!). Some of us went on to have 1st sexual experiences a couple of years later, this was the start of the hormone parade time when we talked, joked, wondered and fantasised about sex a fair portion of the time! (I'm a school chaplain... and I hear the same old stuff at the same ages now!)

Another experience I had around 9 years old was not so innocent. I was methodically sexually molested by a judo coach, under the pretence of taking me aside (to the boys toilets) to demonstrate to me where the pressure points were on the human body (several times, focussing on one particular set of pressure points, that required a certain body part to not be in a flaccid state to locate, apparently. I was totally nave about sexual predators... and especially that boys could be targets of the same -- kids today are generally much more aware by that age! Now, while I actually didn't realise that this was SEX (until years later!); and hadn't had the hormonal 'awakening' mentioned earlier , I did develop a curiosity in the "huge" adult member that this coach displayed... and was fascinated by the fact that I could be stimulated to a more erect state, by him, orally... (without any accompanying sexual urge, I might add... so that I still didn't realise that he was 'getting something out of this'!!). I tried to copy that behaviour once with a smaller child who lived nearby... and found it extremely unsuccessful and unsavoury!... (I still worry sometimes about what affect that may have had on him in later life!!). This experience screwed me up inside in ways that I didn't begin to realise until MUCH later... it may have been a factor in the level of obsession with sex in my teens and early adulthood... and, possibly, more of a struggle than some with being sure of my sexual identity/orientation in my teens: but, as a pastor and chaplain, I hear lots of stories and know that guys go through these things, even without molestation!

The point of my rather long and unsavoury personal story is to say... if it's just body curiosity, you'll see and sense that -- don't read adult motivations and drives into childish exploration! By all means continue to (as calmly as possible) explain that some parts are private, and we don't share them with just anyone. I'd say, get ready to talk rationally about sex, and kissing, and girls, and stuff... as it comes up.

Kids who do "act out" sexually because of inappropriate exposure or molestation, are fairly obvious! (we do occasionally have to deal with cases in public schools). As your son is not exposed to images/experiences/detailed information at this stage, please don't be too concerned! I'd say, go and talk to the friends' mum again, share your knowledge... even tell her it's freaking you out a little, but also listen to what she and others are saying... and then observe!

A discussion with your family doctor, or a guidance officer at school, or a pastor if you have church connections, can really help you, if there is lingering concern... they can recommend what to be aware of, what's within a normal range of behaviour for this stage of development... and also what to look out for if there is something more that needs to be addressed!

All the best with it... and don't panic!!