Re: Disciplining 3 year old
anonymous

Question:
My son is 3 years old. I'm finding it very difficult to discipline him. He never listens to me. Neither he obeys me. He does everything the opposite way when I tell him something to. Also he does

not seem to respect me or my husband. He beats us when we warn him about something. How can I handle him? Please give suggestions and advices on disciplining him. I'm so worried about him.

My Advice:

Firstly, good on you for putting the question out there and asking for some suggestions now!

Secondly, don't be too worried... your son sounds like he falls very much in the normal range of 3 yr-old behaviour! ; )

At the same time, this is an age/stage where effective discipline really kicks in... and is a really important foundation for his future (and for the health of your family and your peace of mind, too!). Reading your question, of course, we don't really know what methods of discipline you've been using so far, that don't seem to be 'cutting it'??

I may be considered by some to be a bit 'old school' about this issue... but I would say that children listening to and obeying their parent (s) is not optional at this stage (or any other stage in the near future!) -- they will all react differently, and go through a different process of trying to push the boundaries and resist authority... but they will all do just that!

Testing the boundaries is what kids do. Setting clear boundaries, and sticking by them, is what parents do!

At the same time, I think as parents we need to 'pick our battles' as it were... there is no point or value in finding fault in everything the child does in the day, or expecting instantaneous and complete change to come in every situation, just so everything goes according to our plans, likes and preferences (repressed kids might be obedient on the outside for a while, but just wait a few years!!) Our goal in parenting must be to TRAIN our kids to be self-disciplined adults, so having them understand the 'why' s and eventually come to agree with and internalise the principles and values is so important!

There are different (effective) styles of discipline (there are also a lot of ineffective/dysfunctional ones!) ... and what methods that work have in common is: 

          CLEAR COMMUNICATION of boundaries/expectations,

                REINFORCEMENT/ENCOURAGEMENT of positive behaviour

                 ... and CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES for when the boundaries are crossed, or the expectations are not met.

I personally think that whether the consequences are a smack on the bottom, time out (in the corner at this age, maybe in their room as an older child), a stern talking to, or removal of privileges of some kind... the effectiveness is in the child knowing that the consequence is directly related to their negative behaviour, that it is consistent, that there is opportunity for them to reflect/understand what they've done wrong and apologise for it... and that it has a clear END, where the consequence is over and normal interaction restored.

Different 'methods' seem to work more or less effectively with different kids. We've done the (short, sharp) smack on the bottom, combined with a talk about why, a response from the child, and then a big hug before getting back into normal activity... We've done the removal of privileges (and then adding on an extra chore for a couple of days as the kids get older).

What worked well for us with our most strong-willed child from before 2 though til 4 or 5 years old, was time out (specifically, in our case, 'the corner"). Normally, when she was misbehaving, we would tell her, and clearly express what had to stop, and how she was expected to behave. If the behaviour continued, we would first give a verbal warning that the behaviour being presented was not appropriate... and that if it continued, she would be in the corner. Then, we followed through. At home, there was one spot, literally facing into a corner, that was the 'default' corner... but we adapted wherever we happened to be at the time. This, of course, was often an inconvenience to us (it might have meant one of us had to leave the table at a restaurant or at a friend's home, or stop what we were doing in a shopping centre, or ...

Of course, she didn't always go to or stay in the corner willingly!! We might have had to firmly, but as calmly as possible, take her to the corner... and maybe even hold her there, especially at first. Even when she would stay there, because she'd realised it was pointless to try to move away, we didn't leave her alone in the corner for long stretches... it was a place for her to calm down, recognise that her behaviour was unacceptable, think about the right thing to do, and then choose to do it -- which meant that we would go and ask whether she was ready to apologise, whether she had thought through why her behaviour was not acceptable etc (obviously appropriate to age level and understanding!). Sometimes it seemed like a very long time before she responded -- half an hour or so! ... the thing is, though, when she DID respond, it really was mostly having come to the understanding that she was wrong, being able to admit that and say sorry -- rather than just 'give in'.

When this happened, we would give her a cuddle, reaffirm our love for her, tell her we were proud of her for making good decisions etc... and move on!

This process is not a "quick fix", obviously... and requires some commitment (and consistent follow-through) on behalf of the parents... but it did bring some results (the corner was used less and less frequently, 'til it wasn't necessary anymore!), so might be worth considering?

All the best as you try and discover what works for you and your little person with a unique personality!