Re: In-Laws and Children
Asked by troubled

Question:

I am a very independent person. My parents raised me to think through things for myself and to try as best as I can to do things on my own first before asking for help.

My husband's family tried to raise him opposite of this. While he is still very independent as well (at age 26), his parents treat him like he is still a child. We have only been married about 7 months now and just recently found out we are going to have a baby. Since our marriage our in-laws have visited at least once a month (they live four hours away) every month. This does not even include the multiple times we have gone to visit them.

I really love them a lot, they are great people and were a big help when we were getting our house together after we first moved in. The only problem is that his mother is a meddler. She always has to be doing something...cooking, cleaning, changing where things are, on the run. I am a more easy going person and like to just relax and have a good time with family. The biggest problem I think is that our taste and interests just clash so much that every time she does something it is like I am planning how I can undo it when they leave. The other big problem is that she is very very very emotional. If my husband doesn't talk to her long enough on the phone...she crys. If someone gets defensive with her....she crys. If someone tells her they do not like the same things as she does...she crys. She truly believes that because both of her children moved away from home and do not plan to live out there lives in the same dinky town they came from she has in some way failed as a mother...surely her children must not like and she must have been a bad mother...she crys! I am so worried to confront her about things and just be honest with how I feel sometimes that it makes me want to cry. I do not want to make this poor woman go to bed every night crying, because I do not like the same colors she does, but I really feel that if I were to say something she will have a break down.

After mentioning all this I must say...now we have a child coming, and she plans to spend tons of time at our house. She has more vacation saved up from her work to spend at our house after the baby is born than I get off for maternity leave. When I try to talk to my husband about things he literally says...you want me to tell my parents I hate them. He really compares limiting the amount of time they are allowed to visit us to telling them that we hate them. And furthermore, he says because he is the one who will be taking care of the baby during the day that he should be able to decide if they can come down and stay with us, cause they can help him. I am really worried. I know there are way worse things that someone could have in a pair of in-laws but I am truly afraid for our relationship and for our child. I know that if this keeps up I will break. I cannot handle having my privacy over taken like this. Every time they come both my husband and I are on edge, we fight for days before and days after. We argue about everything we do while they are here...honestly I think if my husband had to spend all the time with his mom instead of running off with his dad he would feel the same way. I do not want my child growing up with his parents fighting all the time...but even more than that I want my child to love his grandparents. I love them and I am afraid with the resentment I am starting to develop towards them, that it will pass to our future son. Any advice...how do I make my husband understand my point of view...he doesn't at all!!! How do I talk to my mother-in-law without making her have a mental breakdown?!?

My Advice:

I can relate to you! but in my case my in laws are a hour away from us and my mother in law tends to blame stuff on me when it's not me, such as complains that we hardly go and visit when it's my husband, he says "what are we gonna do there??" or when we do come over to visit she too cries because she wants us the whole day there.  or when she comes over she too cleans and rearranges everything in the house.  im the type of person who does lay back every now and then but for some reason she always has to come in the wrong time when the dishes isnt done, or the house is messy ect.. and does complain that its just me and my husband and our lil one whos 8 months that our house should be clean all the time!!

Anyways before our child she never wanted us to leave her house when we left there, she also cried and all.  it did get worst when baby came into the world, when she started feeding her solids she yelled at me and said are you trying to kill her?? my GOODNESS im like what the hell?? she brought baby alot of stuff and i mean alot now she nearly 9 months she feeds her fatty food like kfc mashed... she thinks my baby is too skinny and i dont feed her!! i dont mind her being there for my baby because she loves and cares for her but sometimes i just want things to go my way.. i will realise that when you have your baby that because she has more experience then you she will tell you what to do all the time!! 3 more months till my babys 1st birthday and shes planning a big one for her!! it just gets me mad..

I too have had arguments with my husband because sometimes its not just my mother in law but the whole of my in laws.. mainly because she is the first girl grandchild they all want to spoil her.. my husband was too raised up with everything givin to him, even till now!!

but my advice to you is that if you are worried so much about you lil one you should be a full time mother, meaning not to work, let your husband do all the working, you have the upper hand to controll everything that goes in the house and because your there for your lil one during the day, you wont have any conflict with your in laws arguing imagine them saying to you (if you were to work) "baby sleeps at this time, we already gave him a bath, and we did this and that... we just put him to sleep so try and not wake him!!" it would stink to come home to everything already been done for you!  and i guess your husband is right in one way he wont be able to cope babysitting while you are a work, he will need some help, i couldnt leave my baby with her dad for more then 2 hours.  its just natures way for a baby to be with his mother all times.  fathers can help but not as much as mothers. 

so i think you should stay home and not work, save the hassel of arguing with your partner and when your mother in law does come theres no better way then being honest.. or say what you feel in a more not offensive way like if she says, you should do this?? you can say "i would but i prefer this"