Re: how do i help my child deal with father's alcoholism
Asked by harasj

Question:
 

i separated from my boys' father almost 2 years ago and the road has been rocky for them.  i provide a stable parenting environment and have

reduced the overnight stays with their dad to one night per week but that may be too much as well.  my 10 year old is starting to realise more and more about his father's problem and is having bad dreams which result in tears in the mornings due to his concern for his dad.  the alcoholism accompanies quite a few issues, depression, obesity, sleep issues, etc, as well as the usual brain function issues.  any suggestions, advice, information would be welcome.  thanks

My Advice:

 

I was a child of alcoholism, my father was an ex policeman then business owner... I could wirite a book on all the things that happend to us as a family but I don't think that really helps. He was never a physical abuser, although as a child I sometimes wished he was because then he might have seen the mental scars he would leave after the mental abuse. As for when it started, I don't have a memory of a time when he didn't drink

My father was, and still is very intellegent. We once had him convinced he needed to check himself into a detox centre, and upon the entry visit with the doctor he managed to convinse the doctor that he didn't have to be there, the doctor told us that we, his family were the ones in the wrong. AA never worked for him because for one he didn't believe in god, and secondly becuse of the people at the meetings he kind of felt superior over them... He sounds like a real piece of work doesn't he.... But you know he wasn't, he was just to smart for the support on offer for alcoholism...

You know even as a full blown acloholic, if I was ever having major trouble with anything he would pull himself together and be the best voice of reason. Even though he mentally abused us he was still there and loved us....

I went to analon meetings for families of alcoholics, I called childrens help lines, and I had counciling... But you know this didn't help the problem go away because it was not going to get my dad to stop drinking which is what I needed... My mum was a wreck and constantly leant on me, and only added to pain by always telling me what he had done, how bad he was for doing it, that all he had do was stop drinking... So I took on my mothers pain, my brothers pain and my own pain....

Once a late teenager, I had my first cervical cancer scare. I had 5 years into my early 20's tests every 4 months, operations, quick burn off in the office but at the time was lucky enough to only get to the C2 stage at anytime...

You know how they say divine timing of the way things happen in your life... I met boyfriend whose mother was a spiritual person and she took me under her wing and took me to her naturapath... He wasn't a normal natrapath with just herbs, he did recki, sekem, muscle testing, rain drop theropy, past lives.. I believe he was much more spiritul than natrapath...

I saw him every 2 weeks for the 4 months in between my hospital cancer visits...He told me I had to forgive my father or I would die from the hate radiating around inside of me... He helped me see that what my father was going through was a disease, and that what he was doing to me was a reflection of what whas going on inside of him.. When you hate somone you only ever look at the way it effect you, you can only see the bad in them therefore you don't notice the good, how ever little.... It was the hardest ride of my life...

I went for my 4 monthly check at the hospital swab taken, no new cancer spots and none since... amazing.... It took me emotionally years after to fully come to terms with all that had happened with my father, but forgiveing the person - not necessarily the action or the consequence was the key at the start...

I guess the point to the story is, it is ok for your son to be upset and concered about his dad. He loves him and will always love him no matter what happens. You always need to remind him of the good things about his dad no matter how you feel about him personally..... It really sucks that he is there dad and doing this to them, but at the end of the day we all have to learn how to deal with lifes blows some of us just a lot earlier than others.. The key is making sure they can see good amongst the bad and to let them know that it is never their fault when the alcohol is talking...

I know how your son is feeling, first is concern for your dad, then dissapointment and then as you get older again hate..... Don't let that happen to them... Always show them the possitive parts of him and be their voice of reason... Hate is very destructive on many levels and needs to be avoided at all costs. They say that love really does concer all and is the best lesson to learn, and I honestly agree....

I am one of the lucky ones my story has a happy ending, my dad does still drink but just a few.... He is now almost sekhem master, a natural healing techinique... He is writing programme called Self Rescue which he eventually hopes to teach and he believes in the magic of the power in the universe....

He also now happens to be one of my closest friends and mentors, he is the one I speak to when I am not coping with life in general.... He was almost 50 before he became a real father to me but I can tell you it was worth the wait...  And I guess above all else I am a stronger person for the experience and I am ok, and your children will be too because they have a wonderful mother who loves them.