Re: how do you get your almost 20 yr old come home at decent time
anonymous

Question:

How do I get my almost 20 yr old to come home befor 2am (I'd like him to be home before the bars close and the drunks

get on the road) ...We've made our wishes know, but he defiantly comes in between 4a-5a...the dogs start barking and wake those of us up who will be getting up in a couple  of hour to go to work...it stresses everyone out..

It's like he is now going through the "teenage angst" and acts more like 16...I had hoped we had skipped that....Any advise???

My Advice:

We don't learn how to have discussions like this with our kids - or anyone else, for that matter. It doesn't have to escalate into a fight, although it could certainly become tense.

First, I assume you recognize that it is your house and that you have the right to make decisions about behavior in the house that impacts you. In other words, you hold the power. Assuming you pay the mortgage, just because it's his home doesn't mean that it's also his house.

Holding the power is key, but be judicious in how you use it. During my business life, one of the things I learned was that the most effective authority figures wore the mantle of their power very quietly.

So, a couple of "don'ts":

• Don't issue angry ultimatums or make judgmental remarks - "If you weren't so selfish, you would care about how we feel." or worse "If you loved us, you wouldn't  be so selfish."
• Don't argue the merits. Give your reasons as a matter of courtesy, but don't think you have to get him to agree that your reasons are good ones.

I would start by having a friendly talk about it. Let him know that the situation simply can't continue as it is. Ask him for input as to what can be done to fix it - always with the quiet insistence that it must be fixed. You might say, "I don't know how to fix this, but it just can't continue." Focus on the problem rather than on him personally.

Depending on the health of the relationship you have with him, this could turn out to be a very easy conversation. Stay open to any suggestions - for instance, maybe something can be done so that the dogs don't bark - that might be workable rather than insisting that there is only one way to fix it.

Ultimately, of course, you may have to decide how important this is to you. That is, are you willing to tell him to find another place to live if it can't be worked out another way. But don't start with this. You may find it easier that you expect.