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  4.14 (Worth a try) from 44 votes (2688 Visits) |
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Stop Sibling Fighting |
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by TheMentorMom  (August 2006) (rank 2nd) |
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Does anyone no how to stop siblings from fighting 24/7? I have a 10 year old boy and an eight year old girl. They are constantly fighting and bickering. It is getting a little hard on the nerves anyone know how to make this stop.
An age old problem with no one, clear cut solution. When discussing sibling arguing, there are some things one must consider. First, it is important that as parents we give our kids the opportunity to try to work things out themselves. Sibling relationships offer children practice for learning how to negotiate with others in the real world. When we as parents constantly step in to referee and provide a resolution, we take away valuable learning experiences. Second, by stepping in each and every time, you are setting yourself up to be the mediator for the long haul. Who wants that!!
Having said that, we as parents don't need the hassle of listening to constant bickering. Sibling bickering is very rare in our home (that is not to say it is nonexistent!). We have used the following technique and found it to be invaluable. This is not to say that it is going to work for everyone or that all parents will want to do this. That is a matter of personal parenting style. If you think it might work, give it a whirl. If not, put it in your parenting toolbox for safe keeping. Here's how to do it:
- When your kids start arguing or bickering, tell them "Either you guys work this out, or I will."
- They will, of course, keep bickering at which point you step in and say "Looks like you weren't able to work this out on your own, so I will. Go to your rooms and don't come out until you can play or interact nicely with each other." Make sure you tell them to stomp their feet as hard as they can and slam their doors loudly on the way (they HATE doing what we ask of them...my kids go quiet as church mice to their rooms. They aren't going to give me the satisfaction of slamming their door!).
- If and when they come out, DO NOT DISCUSS THE MATTER FURTHER! The consequence is having to go to their room. If they get involved in reading or playing in their rooms, yipee! You don't have to listen to any more arguing! By allowing them to come out when they can play nicely or talk nicely to each other, you are giving them complete control as to how long they remain in their rooms. I don't know about you, but I don't care if they are there three seconds or three minutes as long as the fighting stops.
- If the fighting resumes, back to their rooms and so on.
- If they are fighting over a toy, the tv or the computer, solve the problem by taking away the desire object. That way they learn that they both lose when they don't work it out on their own.
- Keep your cool! When you have to step in, keep your cool. When we get angry, they start focusing their anger on us instead of thinking about the poor choice they have made.
- Be consistent in using this technique.
- Mean what you say and say what you mean. Your kids have to know that without question you will follow through with the consequence EACH AND EVERY TIME. If there is any wiggle room, the likelihood of success on your part is minimal.
This technique uses natural consequences, i.e., can't work out sharing a toy or object and it is gone, or you continue to bicker and fight and you get separated from the rest of us so we don't have to listen to it. It gets them thinking "if we don't figure out how to work this out, mom or dad will and that means I lose." When bickering begins to flair up in our home and I tell them to work it out, I often hear hushed phrases such as "stop yelling or mom's gonna come take this toy away" or "stop it because she's gonna send us to our room." Heaven to a parents ears!
It took a lot of work and patience in the beginning, but this technique has been a life saver. to helping us achieve a relatively scream free home environment. Let's hope it continues to work with them when they hit the teen years!
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4.14 (Worth a try) from 44 votes |
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Re: Stop Sibling Fighting
Good question, Angie. We don't allow televisions, computers, etc., in the kids rooms in our household, so that is not an issue for us. I can only speak to how this works in our home. For my kids, the consequence is really being separated from each other -- not so much being sent to their room. They want to play together and dislike being separated despite the fact that they are bickering. Keeping in mind that my kids are 6 and 9, I want them to learn that if they can't work it out, I will by eliminating the hassle to my ears by sending them to their rooms. I suppose one could send them to other areas of the house. For mine, however, the time in their room seems to allow them to "re-group" or cool down since in most instances one of them is upset. Sometimes they are only in there a few minutes, sometimes they get involved with something and stay longer. My goal is that when they come out 1) they play together nicely and 2) they are in better moods. I hope that answered your question!
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sibling fighting and bickering
I think your advise shows how to end the bickering, but I don't think it solves the relationship issues between the children nor does it teach them HOW to resolve an issue.
Telling them to "sort it out, or you will" - have you ever sat down and shown them how to resolve a disagreement ?
I was shown how to drive once but I found one explanation wasn't enough, I needed practice and encouragement. BUT I needed this practice and encouragement from a trained profesional. Imagine if i was just left to practise driving on the the roads all alone with the one lecture from my driving instructor to keep me going for the months ahead?
Perhaps one could ask what they are disagreeing on. Each person to take a turn and they only have 20 words so would they should please take the time to think about what they perceive to be the problem.
Ask them each - what THEY think would be a fair solution. make constructive empowering comments to help guide their reasoning.
Encouraging them to put their view forward but then asking them to tell you what they think the other sibling thinks and feels encourages them to think of the other person's feelings.
Of course you cant have these sessions every few minutes but bickering becomes a habit when children feel that in general they are in competition with each other.
You say:
"This technique uses natural consequences, i.e., can't work out sharing a toy or object and it is gone, or you continue to bicker and fight and you get separated from the rest of us so we don't have to listen to it. "
So in real life are you saying that you never disagree with anyone? and if you do you just stop and leave the room quietly and drop the topic?
If a divorce matter goes to court, the judge does not say "right, you two cant agree just both go to your rooms and I'm confiscating all your things" your matter is not important - have some consideration for me the judge who has to come and listen to it.
Is it not the judges job to listen to it and help resolve? is it not the parent's job to listen and help resolve fairly and lovingly?
Children's issues may seem trivial to an adult but we don't have to treat them that way.
Being told to "sort it out" often results in
1)the more assertive child getting his way at the expense of the child who wanted peace. i.e one kid saying "yes, so you better give it to me or mum will take it we both loose out and it will be YOUR fault."
2.) the children learn that it is pointless taking their issues to anyone in authority because they don't care and they have more important things to worry about. So if a child is being bullied or borderline abuse : how can they be sure it wont be interpreted as one of the things they should just sort out themselves. Telling them they can come to you with important issues only ,will not sink in half as well as the constant re-enforcement of "go and sort it out yourself" they will remember that "sort it out" was said far more than "come and talk to me about it" they wont remember which things go under which category
message : their mum's right to quiet is more important than whatever is upsetting them.
If you try this method and they shout you down and wont co-operate with the discussing of their problem then I agree it is a good idea to send them to their rooms to think about a better way to resolve their issues (not as punishment!) and then after 10minutes they can present their cases.
Opportunities for bickering can also be minimised by sitting down with the children before something becomes an issue and together drawing up a roster for the playstation, tv etc that they all believe is fair. Also, ask them to agree to ask permission from each other to use each others things and if someone violates that they should be able to say to the other sibling that is not what we agreed please don't etc. If the other sibling ignores them and continues they should be able to come to you for help.
:)
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The way this issue of sibling rivalry is handled can change who your child becomes as an adult!
Excellent points BlueSilver!! I believe that one of the skills many people lack as adults is how to solve disagreements with others. If children are taught HOW to solve their disagreements, with help from their parents, they will develop skills that will serve them well as adults.
Having been one of three children, all very close in age (I was the eldest by just one year) I remember very clearly, the frustration and feelings of unfairness and outrage at being punished because of disagreements between us - and I know my brother and sister felt the same.
Please bear in mind, one child cannot force another to behave. Please don't hold one child responsible for another's behaviour - regardless of their ages.
I agree whole-heartedly with what BlueSilver says about the more assertive child getting his way at the expense of the child who wants peace (also add to this, the child who is more sensitive to upsetting his parents) this is:
1. outrageously unfair and can create many future problems for both children
2. giving the message to the assertive one that you can get your own way by bullying and/or manipulation
3. developing feelings in the other child of injustice, lowering self-esteem, inferiority, and creating the foundation of a doormat adult ... or an adult who is resentful and passively-agressive ... or... any number of other possible issues.
Our aim, as parents, is to give our children tools and skills that will prepare them for successful intergration into society as adults - enabling them to be happy, secure and confident, with good people skills. Siblings have a great opportunity to learn positive problem solving and communication, but it is not a built in feature they arrive with - and they will not learn it by trial and error, and they certainly will not learn it by being sent to their rooms. They will learn it from their parents - in two main ways:
1. Observing how their parents resolve disagreements
2. Being given the tools and skills by their parents at the time of the disagreement.
We need to be very careful of telling our children to do things, and expecting them to do them, without making sure they have a) the tools with which to accomplish these things; b) the understanding of those tools and exactly what is expected of them, and c) control over the situation.
It's incredibly damaging to punish a child for something he has no control over (including someone else's behaviour).
Everyone has a need (and a right!) to be heard - to have their say and to put their point forward. And children deserve to be heard just as much as anyone else. Imagine your frustration if you were in the middle of a disagreement with someone - a disagreement you felt very strongly about - and you felt you were in the right and that the other person had wronged you and was treating you unfairly, and in the middle of that argument, someone walked in, and instead of mediating and allowing you each to have your say and put forward your point, this person told you to separate from the one who you feel had hurt you, until you could "get along nicely".
It's not really a practical way to resolve disagreements, and it certainly will not be useful to them as adults in society.
I think it's important that we, as parents, take more time to look through our children's eyes. When siblings are bickering, the parent hears "noise" and "squabling" - and I understand that. But if the parent were to change their perspective for a moment, look at that particular situation through each child's eyes, they might have more compassion for them. They might understand them more. And they might even find their own stress level drops as they put the child's feeling at that time before their own.... and they might then feel able to walk their children through a diplomatic and effective resolution, giving them invaluable skills and tools to use for the rest of their lives.
The way this issue of sibling rivalry is handled can change who your child becomes as an adult!
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Another Positive Method of Dealing with Sibling Fighting...
I’d like to add another suggestion to BlueSilver’s:
One of the tools you can give your children is a “dispute hat” (or stone or ball or whatever) and when they disagree, they can take it in turns to hold the “dispute hat” – at this time, only the person holding the dispute hat may talk, and the other has to listen. But the dispute hat only lasts for a certain period of time (two minutes for example – get them a timer  )
There are three rounds with the dispute hat:
Round One: Each person has two minutes to explain his side without being interrupted. The other one has to listen carefully – he’s going to need the information in round two.
When the time is up, the other person gets to do the same.
Round Two: After they’ve each had their two minute’s explanation, they again take it in turns to hold the dispute hat, but this time, two minutes speaking as if they are the other person, saying what they understand that person’s point of view is, and what they think that person means.
Round Three: Last round with the “dispute hat” – this time putting forward what they think would be a fair and reasonable solution.
The most important thing about this method is, you will need to walk them through it the first few times. Help them as many times as needed. It’s not easy – even for adults – to resolve disagreements without someone feeling cheated in some way, so it’s important not to expect too much too fast.
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sibling fighting and bickering
I must address the sibling rivalry issue here.... I have a sister with 10 wonderful children who handled the sibling rivalry like The Mentor Mom, you have to have more than 1 child to KNOW what sibling rivalry is like in your immediate household. This does NOT apply to babysitting, being a nanny, it has to involve more than one biological child, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I know with all of the blended families, it is so difficult for the stepchildren, on both sides, to please the non-biological parent. Its a no-win situation for these kids. I recently read a book dealing young childrens' problems with bed wetting, soiling, and most agreed that if it was not a medical problem, most likely it was due to family stress problems in the home. Something to think about.
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Related keywords: bickering, fighting, parenting, siblings
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