Thanks Clay for your recent message.  I have been so run off my feet I just have not had time to update info but am taking time out now because it is important. My situation is really very hectic at the moment, there are so many factors involved and the main court case is on 11th March where certain factors will be sorted out, but not all.  There is a docket opened for the case against my son of sexual abuse and this has affected the case generally and the finalization of certain aspect of my divorce case.

In the meantime our monthly Maintenance Money we were receiving was just cut by my husband to less that half which just covers rent for our cottage and 2 stop orders for the school fees for the children and nothing was provided for food for my children or any other needs they might have.  This was a Court Order, but it seems he just takes the law into his own hands and their isn't much we can do right now, I have to be in court rooms though on the 5th March to discuss monthly finances, so hopefully those involved will fight for my children and myself. If he says he has no funds and moves money somewhere else we cannot take any action.   I am doing everything I can to bring in finances in the really busy schedule of transporting children to therapy and visitations in the week as well. I even work in the car sitting for 2 hours, while my children are in therapy  It will all be worth it in the end, I have to believe it!! 

The Medical Aid option was also cut option changed to basic Hosp care and so no doctor bills or medication will be paid by medical Aid, but I was not informed at all until faced with several accounts to pay and only then being informed by the Pharmacies that nothing was covered.  My children needed to go for their check-up at the Dentist and I had taken them. At the time I had no knowledge of the changes and of course the bill was directed to me by my husband because he says he did not contract with the dentist for treatment for the children I did, so I am responsible for the account unless I can prove it was necessary treatment. Needless to say they  both needed a filling done.

 It makes such a difference if one knows what is coming so that there can be a plan of action. 

I am still counting on my children spontaneously speaking about what they have experienced, they do remember, it is just the constant visitations of course have an influence on a child who knows of something in the past he needs to talk about. Just pray they talk at the right time!

What is the only hope?  I believe only God can bring the truth to the surface and ask for your thoughts and prayers at this time where there is so much to have to think about and plan and still live through one's daily routine Mon-Fri. 

Will update info when there are more developments. Thanks and there is always HOPE!!!

 Dear Hope4u - thanks for the update - we wish you all the best.

Just a response to your comment:  proving sexual abuse occurred and proving specifically who did it is a very very difficult thing especially if it is a direct family member that is the alleged abuser.  It is the most difficult when it is the child's father that the alleged allegations are made because of the many, many 'mother's ' out there that lie about sexual abuse and when someone comes that is really telling the truth, they are often not believed. I am referring to the mother.  The statistics of 'mother's who lie about sexual abuse is very high and has been used as a weapon against a spouse.

So when you are telling the truth, because so many lie, you are almost automatically seen as suspect and treated that way. 

I have nothing to gain by even thinking of doing something like that, but when your child tells you something has been done to hurt them and they identify who did it, how can a true mother ignore that.  This is the biggest tug or war in one's heart I could describe because the mixture of shock and disbelief, yet fact that has been said to you by your child is there all the time and it does not just disappear one sunny morning. 

There is a decision to act or not to act.  The only way to prove this is if the child speaks themselves to a professional person and identifies exactly who hurt them.  For my daughter that is now 2 years ago, but she still remembers a lot and holds it deep inside. I have to believe she will speak up at the right time.  

To conclude:  As a mother in this situation, one has to be really careful to take one day at a time and stick to the truth that was told you and remain absolutely consistant in what was said, and hope and pray that at the end of the day the truth will prevail above all the accusing voices and the people that have treated you as the guilty party, having so called made it all up.  Standing firm to the end, for the most precious little children, it's worth it to the End.

Hi, in reply to your questions, firstly how have I coped through this situation?  I think 2 reasons mainly, 1.  Sticking to the TRUTH, when you are telling the truth about something you have nothing to hide, but are totally transparent and can persevere because the truth is backing you and their is no need for any pretence because you stock with the basics.

2.  I believe the Support of friends praying us through this situation has made a difference, and in the end I believe justice must come.

3.  Another thing that keeps you going is the memory of what your child has said they have experienced and thinking about their life ahead, 6months, 1 year, 3 years.  That is just such a motivating factor to keep acting for them.

Your 2nd question: what has worked and what has not?  I have had to fight on every front, even for maintenance.  This month he has only paid less than half and nothing more has been paid, leaving only enough for school fees and rent, not even food.  It seems when dealing with the law and someone within the legal system it is tougher. I really take one day at a time and keep strong in speaking the truth at all costs.

Question 3:  Which steps one should take when suspicions of abuse might be there.

1.  Very important:  If / when a child says something about abuse to themselves, do not ask 'leading questions'  As parents we don't get training in this and when suddenly faced with a child telling you some horror story, you are not sure what is meant by leading question.  A leading question is one that pre-determines the alleged perpetrator of the abuse in a negative light. e.g did ______do this, or touch you, did they _______also do this, or maybe this?  

2.Report the incident to the police who will either direct you to or adivse you to go and see a professional person, either Social Services or Child Psychologist that is trained in this type of  thing and tell them the statement the child made and let them take it from there.  They will compile a report that will speak for your child, and protects you as a mother as well.  There are , as I found out along the way 'mothers' who lay false allegations of sexual abuse against their husbands for some selfish gain. I think this is too terrible to think of and I felt so angry inside against those mothers because when you do stand for the truth, you are almost automatically looked at in a suspicious manner!  Mothers out there stick to the truth, and only what you know and go to someone who will support you through.

Wow, thanks for the detailed response... It is all so hard to imagine, it must be an absolute nightmare for you!  I think the added information is great and as Clay suggested it would be brilliant to add it to your article too.  I feel sure that this will help anyone who finds themselves suspecious of/or in the same situation. Thanks for sharing and best wishes for you and your kids for the future.

this is great information. you can add it into your article if you want by clicking the edit link near the article (top right from memory)

Thanks for the article, Hope4u, ... and for the further information here, which is invaluable.