Re: What to say/do to help with loss
anonymous

Question:
 

Hi, 2 dyas ago my friend gave birth to 2 very premature (29 weeks) twin boys, they went into the NICU, but one has very sadly died, the other is doing ok for

what can be expected.  what can i say/do to try and be supportive and helpful?? what should i avoid and not do or say?? i feel so sad and awkward, i just want to be there for her and her husband but haven't been exposed to this before and don't know how to handle it??

My Advice:

Hi. I am so sorry to hear of your friends loss. I have given birth to three premature babies ( 33wks, 32wks and my little boy 29wks). In every case the reasons for the prematurity is different and the health of the baby at birth is different so the chances vary from bub to bub. In my instance  all three pulled through even though we had some very close calls with our little boy. During the time in ICU, I became close knit with the mothers experiencing a similar journey...the up moments of hope....so quickly followed by the heartbreak of a setback or the devastation of worse. I have felt powerless on the sideline and that was when I was right in the snake pit alongside them. So I can only imagine how hard it must be for those outside that are trying to communicate they care.

There are no words. Nothing that can ease the pain. And I guess in part it depends on how private your friend is, how they cope with displays of emotion, whether they need space or companionship. The biggest mistake I think is to avoid it altogether. Many people stay clear feeling incompetant to assist.....and it can give a sense of being very alone with the loss. I have a few suggestions that helped me both as a  Mum fearing the death of her baby and as a friend watching as someone else experienced it ..... you would need to decide if any of them sound like they would suit your friend:

If your friend has older children : Help! Make specific offers of assistance:  to organise dinner rosters so that dinner is covered for the next two-three months at least , to enable Mum and Dad to spend as much time with the baby in NICU.  To enquire if the school has a carpooling system etc. To organise someone to take over the housecleaning, and others to take any older children to the park/keep them occupied and their lives as normal as possible. Ask the husband if there is any shopping that needs to be done for the home or either of them. The goal being that everything on the homefront is in taken care of and they can concentrate on what can be done to support the bubby that is still in NICU.

Acknowledge the bubby that died. He existed in the body and heart of Mum and will continue to do so. Many think by mentioning the baby it will cause pain....but in my experience with many friends,,,,,it hurts more that people seem to forget they once were, even if for so very little amount of time. Remember the significant dates for both babies. Acknowledge both. She may be very raw at times and seem to be coping fine at others. It will no doubt be a rollercoaster ride for sometime .Her feelings may not be clear cut either...often confused and/or ambigous.  She may have moments when the grief of losing one of her babies overshadows the appreciation for the one remaining,,,,,she may have moments when enjoying the one remaining that she feels guilty for the one she has lost . However she feels, it must be treated as valid and absolutely understandable. Avoid at all costs cliches and best intentioned dismissals of "you shouldn't feel that way" ... "but focus on the one you have" etc, etc....Leave any coping advice for professional counsellors who are expereinced in dealing with the depth of pain in this instance. Just being present to listen and have compassion can make a big difference. A squeeze of a hand can communicate more than words. You don't have to have any 'answers'. In most cases - there simply aren't any.

Make/buy a gift signifying the birth of both babies. Perhaps a baby blanket for both (each with their individual names, weights embroidered on it.).  Things she can keep in memory  - of both. I have seen phtotgraphs of the sunset/sunrise in the area on the day of the birth or death of a baby for sale. That framed can be a beautiful presence in their home without a feeling of an altar of some kind. I have also known a star to be name after the baby. Many ways to acnowledge the existance of the baby whose presence was so brief.

Read up as much as you can about prematurity, the complications, the proceedures, the terms etc....so that if you friend wants to talk you have some idea what she is talking about wihtout her having to explain. Take her lead with regards to what she when she wants to talk and how much she wants to talk about. Some days you want to share,,,,,and others are so heartbreaking you just don't want to relive them.

Everyone seems to crowd around with the shock of the instance....but as time goes by....less so. It may be all very overwhelming right now and perhaps she and her husband may just need well wishes sent from a distance to begin with. Also, some couples pull together during times of crisis and are a wonderful support to each other....and others can experience the grief differently and it can cause division. Both Mum and Dad have endured that loss. Dads sometimes get overlooked or in their role as support person to Mum, feel they must soldier on. The prolonged pressures are great and tension can be normal . Even being mindful of the pressures can mean you are able to see alternate ways of helping in their particular instance.

In a few weeks when the hype of everything can slow down, it can feel like it is "business as usual" and people fade away. Now is not the only needed time of support. The entire next year is. It is such a long, day by day road....and ideally you would have someone (or many tag teaming!) on that road alongside to make it through. Whether the need is practical or emotional or a combination of both. The journey in NICU is bumpy .....celebrate the small steps forward with her on the good days, listen on the bad days to her worst fears, the ramifications of what a test may mean.. Help her take care of herself....that she eats and rests.. ... for her and also for the baby that will need her even moreso as time goes by.

Nothing can make it better.....just a little easier to cope with and to get through the next day....and the next......and the next....

 Encourage, love, listen.....

I hope ANY of this helps.

All the best,

Tania Mullan