“Oh, I’d love to have twins”: Reality Check

Being a mum to twins, I have often heard the statement “I wish I had twins”, usually from those who are yet to be parents to just one baby, let alone 2.  Although I am very

proud of my twins and wouldn’t swap my situation for anything, twins do have certain challenges that single babies do not, it’s not as straightforward as just having 2 babies.  I was fortunate in that I had lots of experience with the basics of caring for babies before I had my own.  I can’t imagine what it would be like for parents of twins with no experience whatsoever.  Now that I have had a singleton after my twins, I can reflect on what those challenges actually are specific to multiples.

The pros and cons of twins

CONS

Pregnancy- It starts with the pregnancy.  There will be many ultrasounds (although this can be a good thing, I missed the multiple ultrasounds and reassurance it gave me when I was pregnant with my singleton).  Frequent check-ups, higher risk of complications such as prematurity, gestational diabetes, twin to twin transfusion (identical twins), more severe symptoms, hyperemesis gravidarum, the list goes on.  Then there’s the discomfort of carrying such a heavy load- you think 8 months pregnant is bad with one baby on board!  At least when observers say “your huge” you have a good reason.

Task oriented- Forget bonding, forget long drawn out moments of eye contact to treasure forever.  There’s too much to do, there’s another baby needing your attention.  There has to be a conscious decision to make time to be an attentive mum in between the other priorities- with 2 babies it doesn’t just happen.  I didn’t realize how much I had missed when it came to that bonding experience until I had my ‘one’ baby.  Then I felt guilty that my singleton would be getting a more positive experience than my twins due to our attachment experience being so different.

Developmental delay- speech delays are more common in multiples.  If you consider that one baby has mum and dads attention to themselves, and then by the time a second sibling has arrived that youngest child can start learning from the older child.  Right from the start, twins have to share attention, and given the task oriented nature of raising twins, it’s not surprising that they may take longer to pick things up.  Add to that the prematurity factor and twins may fall even further behind.

Difficult outings- Need bread and milk? No, you can’t just carry the baby in to the shops, pick up your grocery items and go home. Pack bag, load 2 babies into car, unfold pram, get 2 babies out of car and buckle into pram, THEN get bread and milk, then do all that other stuff in reverse.  Pram goes everywhere!!  Even though its possible to carry 2 babies at once and a couple of grocery items (if you’re really clever), have you thought about how you are going to safely buckle and unbuckle a baby into the car seat when holding another baby? 

Then there’s the frustration of seeing some childless woman strolling around the supermarket with the only twin trolley (MY twin trolley) just because she want the extra trolley space for her shopping!

I hadn’t visited certain shops for years, for the simple fact that they just don’t have the room to accommodate a twin pram.

Oh, and if you need to pee when you are out- you’d better hope there’s a disabled toilet nearby.

Babysitters limited- Good luck trying to find a babysitter confident enough to care for 2 small babies.  You need to list your babies in childcare early if you plan on returning to work, as it’s harder to get 2 spaces in a centre than just 1.

Everything costs more- everything you do costs twice as much.  If you're lucky you might get a multiple birth discount some places as long as it’s not government related (the government does not categorize twins as a multiple birth).  You need 2 of almost everything.

Guilt- One of me, 2 of them.  Splitting attention between twins is a major source of parenting guilt.  I would subconsciously deprive myself of sleep to spend extra time with my babies at night because there weren’t enough hours in the day.

Night settling- This can be THE MOST DIFFICULT thing about twins.  You need to teach good sleep habits from the start.  I learned this the hard way.  With one baby it’s not a problem to teach your baby to go to sleep in your arms and not in the cot, with 2 babies this is a huge problem.  Then there’s the guilt factor, and don’t even mention if they both have reflux (been there, done that).  The battery operated swing was my saviour.

Eyes in the back of your head- just wait until they start moving.  Either they go in opposite directions or they team up to create the most destruction together.

Are they identical?- dealing with stupid people- One of my twins is a boy, one is a girl, they have different sets of chromosomes because of this, or more obviously, my boy has something my girl has not: how can this be identical, people?  I have had to suppress my frustration many a time with this stupid question.  Also “who was born first?”, “were they natural?” (like its any business of your anyway. In my opinion all babies are natural, no matter how they were conceived), “did you have a ‘natural’ birth or c-sec?” and "are there twins in the family?".

Toys and gifts- same or different- Do you buy the same toy and risk the spoiled surprise when one opens the present before the other, or do you buy different presents and risk 2 kids fighting over the same toy?

PROS

Playmate- Sometimes you can have more time because your babies are entertained by each other- with one baby they may demand more time from you.  But again, there has to be a conscious decision to engage otherwise quality time will be missed out on.

Self blame parenting- You may be less likely to blame yourself or feel guilty if one twin displays an undesirable behaviour if the other twin is behaving well (“surely if it were my fault they would both be doing it?”).  I found it easy to avoid the question: “what am I doing wrong?” (which seems to be such a common question with new mums) because I had the other baby to compare my parenting practices to.

Same level of play- I didn’t realize how advantageous this was until I had my 3rd baby that was obviously at a much different level of play.  With twins, they can usually do very similar activities at the same time which makes sibling play a lot easier.  You don’t have to stress too much that they will hurt each other because they are about the same size and strength and can give back what they get.

Independence- Twins may learn to do things for themselves a lot quicker than singletons because they don’t have that one-on-one parental assistance all the time.  With one child it’s often easier just to do things for that child, with 2 its easier if they can do things for themselves while you are attending to the other.

Twice as much love-Us mums of twins get to experience double the milestones, double the first smiles, group hugs and more love.  It’s so precious to watch 2 babies grow together and have special loving moments.

Pride- I am really proud of the fact that I have twins.  I survived.  Multiples are special and there is a certain ‘status’ feeling about having 2 babies at the same time.

A BIT OF BOTH

Everything takes longer- 2 nappies, 2 baths, 2 burps, 2  etc etc……….twice as long.  Although with so much practice, you can get pretty quick at doing things.  I took my twins for a weigh in at the local CYH and another mum got back to her car at the same time as me- I had both my bubs strapped in and ready to go before her ‘one’ baby was ready.  You become efficient super-mum.

Routine vs demand- Most parents will have some sort of an idea what style of parent they are- ie. Pick up with every cry versus cry it out, demand feeding versus routine.  Twins take away some of the choice factor when it comes to what sort of parent you are.  Unless you want to be feeding non-stop, a routine must be put in place.  Let sleeping babies lie, yeah right- if one wakes for a feed, you’re going to wake the other.  Sometimes, as hard as it is, one baby has to be left to cry- there are times when you just can’t attend to both babies needs at once.  If you don’t like the sound of crying babies (and who does?), then twins can be very stressful.

Stares and interest- People in the shops don’t care that you might be shy, tired, or just busy.  Complete strangers feel obliged to come up and talk to you and try to touch your babies just because there are 2 of them.  You either need to get used to this attention or find a way to cope with it.  If you are a very social person and enjoy the attention, this can be a good thing- but as a mum of twins you are probably sleep deprived and don’t want to talk to everyone who makes a comment about your beautiful babies, no matter how much you agree with them.

Sleeping arrangements-  Keep them in the same room? They’ve been together since birth.  Keep them in the same cot? Separate them so they don’t disturb each other, or let them get used to each others cries? So many questions……only answered through trial and error.  I like that my twins still sleep in the same room together, it makes our bedtime routine so much easier.

Breastfeeding and expressing- I love relaxing back into a comfy chair and breastfeeding my singleton.  It’s so easy.  Compared to twin breastfeeding: first you have to build the supply, expressing after every feed, top up bottles if they are still hungry, proper twin breastfeeding pillow in a spot where you can reach one handed whist holding 2 babies in the other arm; and you have to sit up (not relaxed back into that comfy chair)….its complicated, uncomfortable but with some effort its also do-able and well worth it.  I have never felt engorgement such as that when my twins started sleeping through the night- I have small breasts and after 7 hours of no feeds, I could pump half a litre.

Comparing development differences- Twins are still individuals and develop at different rates, as do all children. Other siblings will be compared by when they do what, but it’s much more obvious with children of the same age.  Even though these multiples may be developing well within the normal range, they still need to be protected from being called ‘slow’ or ‘advanced’ because their twin is developing quicker or slower.  There is no mistaking my twins as individuals, they are good at very different things and are very different people….but for some twins, finding their individuality is a major hurdle of being a twin.

So in conclusion, having two babies at the same time is not just about the ability to care for 2 babies at once, its full of sleep deprivation, guilt, difficult questions and busy, complicated days.  But I wouldn’t swap it for the earth.  Now you know the truth- would you still want twins?

Be careful what you wish for!

**P.S- if you are reading this and you are pregnant with twins, don’t worry, you’ll be fine.  Destiny only dishes out what it knows we can cope with….even though there is more of the bad listed here- the quality of the good far outweighs the bad in the end**