Tips for Difficult Conversations with Other Parents

Have you ever had to have a difficult conversation with another parent about their child's behavior?  Maybe her child was seen pushing another child down or took a toy away from your child at a playgroup?  Or perhaps you are noticing that their child appears to be a

As someone who has had to have MANY difficult conversations with parents over the years (e.g., telling parents that their children were being removed from their care due to abuse or neglect, telling parents that their child shows signs of autism, etc.), I've learned some things about discussing tough topics.  Thought I'd pass on what I've learned in the hopes that maybe you might find one or more things helpful the next time you are have to talk to a parent about a difficult issue:

• Pick and choose your battles.  Is the child doing something that impacts yours?  Is the child hurting other children?  Or is this a problem that can easily be solved by removing yourself and your child from the situation, such as a playgroup or play area at the mall?  I think we all have a responsibility to address dangerous behaviors that impact the safety of any child so if you see that a child is hurting others, I encourage you to address the issue. 
• Be clear about your own values and expectations as a parent.  It is sometimes helpful to ask yourself "Is this issue a REAL problem for me or my child or is this just a difference in personal values or parenting style?"
• Put yourself in that parents shoes.  Think about how you would want to be approached if your child was hitting or pushing others.
• Choose your words carefully.  Use non-judgmental statements.  For example, "Wow, he sure has a lot of energy!" for a child who is very active.  Maybe a follow up of "Does he wear you out or what?"  Sometimes this can open the door for parents to share their frustrations or concerns about behaviors, e.g., "He sure does.  I get so frustrated with him.  I don't know what to do sometimes."
• Share something about yourself.  If you have a relevant personal experience and depending on your comfort, consider sharing it with the parent.  For example, "I remember when Tommy was little.  He was a terror at playgroups!  He always pushed the other kids out of his way to get to the slide.  It was so frustrating!  Anyhow, it took a lot of hard work, but we eventually got him to understand that pushing isn't nice."
• Use empathy.  Empathy can take you a long way in difficult situations.  Statements such as "parenting is so hard" or "you sound overwhelmed" or "that has to be hard for you" and the like let the other parent know that you are listening and that you understand.
• Look closely at their facial expression and body language.  Many times people fail to notice changes in facial expression or body language.  I often can see a softening in peoples eyes and facial expressions indicating sadness or anxiety.  When I do observe this, I follow up with an empathetic statement, eg, "Are you OK?" or "You look sad."  This often leads to the parent opening up and sharing their own concerns.
• Ask the parent for his or her take on the situation.  We may notice something that bothers us, e.g., a child who is not walking well or speaking well, but it may not bother the parent.  Ask them for their feelings on the matter before sharing yours, e.g., "I notice that Tommy seems to fall down a lot when he is walking.  Does that ever concern you?"  They may respond "no."  A follow up could be something like "Oh, OK.  I was just going to say, I know someone who's three year old did the same thing and she talked to her doctor about it.  He referred her son to see a physical therapist and he is doing great now."  This may open up more dialog on the subject or not.  If the parent drops it, so should you.
• Always stand up for your child and his or her safety.  If you have a standing play date with a parent whose child pushes and hits, you need to stand up for your child's safety.  If your child is older, you can talk to him about how to keep himself safe.  Perhaps you stop the play dates until your child is older and is able to better defend himself.  Or maybe you address your concern with the parent using some of the above tips.  It may have a negative impact on your friendship, but your child's safety is more important. 

I hope you find these tips helpful.  This is a hard topic.  I would love to field any questions about situations you have encountered or to hear from you a situation and how you ultimately handled it.  Best of luck!

Originally posted on http://thementormom.com on 8/16/06.