Saying Goodbye to Ripley: Helping kids Cope with the Death of a Pet

We recently had to say goodbye to our much loved dog, Ripley.  She had been in our family for nearly 9 years and had been around for the entire lives of our 3 children.  One

How to explain the death of a pet to children

  I understand child development and the child’s concept and understanding of death having worked a lot in paediatric palliative care.  I knew my kids were not old enough to fully comprehend death and although I have experience with death, I was at a loss to know what to tell my 4 year olds.  I got onto the Minti ‘Q and A’ then rang the kindy to ask advice and find out if there were any books relating to the topic that might help.

  After seeking some very good advice from Minti members, this is what I  told my kids (or something to this effect, the actual conversation was quite difficult and I can’t remember word for word):  “Remember how Ripley had been to the vet because of her sore leg, well the vet tried very hard but he couldn’t fix it.  Ripley is very sick and she is in a lot of pain and because the vet is a very nice man, he doesn’t want Ripley to be in pain any more.  The nice vet is going to give Ripley some special needles that are just for dogs, that will make her go to sleep, her pain will go away and then she will die.  When you get a sore leg, you get better don’t you? And the doctor can fix you, but Ripley’s leg can’t be fixed and it wont get better and eventually it will make her die anyway, but we don’t want her to be in pain any longer so the vet is going to look after her.  This is something that only happens to dogs, it can’t happen to you.  We will get to say goodbye, but when she goes back to the vet she wont come home again, the vet is going to keep her at the vet clinic and look after her.”

The important points of that conversation were:

~The vet is a nice man: if we get another pet I don’t want them being afraid that something bad will happen everytime the pet goes for its annual checkup.  He is not making her die to be mean, he is doing it to be kind.

~ The dog can’t be fixed but the vet tried very hard: I didn’t want them thinking we gave up and were killing her for no reason.

~ This can’t happen to you, the needles are only for dogs: I didn’t want them freaking out with every immunization thinking they would die from it.

~ The dog wont be coming home:  Its difficult for children to understand that a dog walking into a vet clinic can’t walk back out again.

Helping kids understand death

  We were lucky.  We got to take our pet home for as long as we wanted before sending her back for the last time.  I thought it would be good for the kids to have her one last night to say goodbye, but any longer would have been prolonging her pain and our anticipatory grief.  She got lots of pats and attention that night.  We took lots of photos and a plaster of paris footprint cast.

The next morning the whole family (and my sister to help) took the dog back to the vet.  I made sure that the kids understood why we were returning and repeated that the dog would not be coming home with us.  My sister and I waited in the waiting room whilst my husband took Ripley into the consulting room.  It was done, and my husband came out in tears to ask me to go in and say goodbye.  This made the kids upset, because they wanted to come to.  I said a quick goodbye but I was aware of the kids getting distressed in the waiting room and returned to them quickly.  My son then became adamant that he wanted to see her too.  This was not in my plan and I had to think quick.  I decided that maybe it would be a good idea after all and explained that she would look like she was asleep, but she had already died and she would stay with the vet and the vet would look after her. So in we all went.  Ripley was lifeless on the floor and I encouraged the kids to pat her and say goodbye.  In hindsight, I was glad they had the opportunity to see her after the needles were given, because they then better understood that she was not capable of getting up and walking out to return home.

  We read some books together, both before and after the event.  One I got from the kindy, the others I found in the “issues” section of the children’s part of the local library.  We went to the library together and the kids picked out some other “non pet death” related books as well.

Making memories

 That afternoon I sat at the kitchen table with the kids and we made scrapbooking pages with pictures of them and Ripley. I had lots of doggy stickers they could decorate their page with and we made them very personal.  When their pages were finished they were stuck on the bookcase next to their beds where they could see it at night.  On Monday they took their pages to show and tell at kindy where they had an opportunity to talk about their loss with the guidance of the kindy teacher.

I am still in the process of making my own scrapbooking page and a frame with the plaster cast footprint.  We have also put up some special photos around the house.

Closure

  I let the kids watch me as I packed away the kennel and the bedding, the food bowls and the food.  This allowed them to ask questions, and they did……and also see that she really wasn’t coming home.  My son reminded me that Ripley was not coming home because Ripley had died, as I was pulling apart the kennel-  I knew to some extent that my efforts had worked and he understood.

How the kids coped

For a few days both the older kids were quiet and cuddly, but not talking much about it.  I took the initiative and asked the kids how they were feeling when they looked sad, because I don’t think they are at an age to articulate their feelings without prompting.  This started conversations that allowed them to express their feelings and I was able to tell them that I missed Ripley too and that it was OK to feel sad.  They haven’t asked where she is yet, and I am hoping this is because they understand now, all that has been explained to them.

Important points in summary

1-     Choose you words wisely.  Young children do not have the same level of comprehension as we do and will frequently misinterpret explanations to thoughts that may be scary.  Kids take words literally.  The words they don’t understand, they will make up meanings for. Be open and honest.  Don’t skirt around the words death/die/died and dead.  Telling a child that a pet is just asleep may cause fears that the child may die in his sleep.

2-     Allow for time and opportunity to say goodbye if possible.  If the child cannot say goodbye to the pet directly, then prepare a memorial ceremony with items that are symbolic of the pet, such as a collar, photo and light candles in the pets’ memory.

3-     Find helpful resources such as books, teachers, childcare workers to assist in explanations and reinforcing understanding

4-     Make memories that last forever, something special that is theirs to keep.

5-     Assess the understanding, have lots of cuddles, conversations and listen to thoughts fears and feelings.

Helpful Books

Beginning and Endings and Lifetimes in Between by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr

Goodbye, Mousie by Robert H Harris

Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss by Michaelene Mundy

Saying Goodbye to A Pet: How to Understand and Cope When Someone You Love Dies by Nicola Edwards/ The Child Bereavement Trust.

I would just like to say a special thankyou to those who offered their advice and kind words through this very sad time for our family.  I hope our experience can help others to explain the death of a pet to their children and cope with the loss a little better.