Is your family life peppered with upset? Are you falling into the tyrant trap? Look inside to find out how to stop finger-pointing and become a rational loving person.
Successful marriages “Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” Leo Buscaglia.
Tyrants smother their spouse and kids with unkind words, threats, and shouts. Tyrants, like ill-tempered children, demand their own way. If you or your partner is a tyrant, changes must be made. Why? Your children are watching.
When Tucker, age 9, was asked, “How can a stranger tell if two people are married?” he answered, "See if they’re yelling at the same kids."
Your kids hear your words. They see anger in your eyes. They feel the upset within you. You are their teacher. You teach them how to live, deal with problems, and get your way.
Watch out! They’ll copy your words, your anger, and your upset. They’ll become you. Tyrants create miserable families. When parents and kids become tyrants, uproar rules the home. Neighbors whisper.
“What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow.” ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Practical problem:
Let’s say, your spouse promised to cut the grass and didn’t. Your boss and staff are coming for dinner. You wanted everything to look perfect, even the grass. “What will they think? Will you become the subject of tomorrow’s office gossip?”
You shout. You swear. You threaten your partner.
He’s just returned from your brother’s house. You lent your brother the lawn mower a week ago. He wrecked it. Your boss and fellow office workers will be here any moment.
How Can You Think Rationally?
Get rid of “awful” and “terrible” thinking. Realize that life always presents tough challenges. It’s how you respond to those challenges that count.
- Apologize to your spouse for your angry outburst
- Focus on making your company feel comfortable
Listen to them. Look them in the eye. Get them to talk. Ask them questions to show your interest. Laugh with them.
Can you see how you’ve changed your thoughts from your fear of their opinions to genuine interest in them? You can be rational. You have the power.
Taming wild thoughts is the best way to become rational. Remind yourself, “I’m not disturbed by my spouse, my children, or other people. I’m disturbed by how I think. My thoughts cause my problems.”
5 Tips for Staying Rational:
Ask yourself –
- Why do things have to be perfect for me?
Nothing in this life is perfect for anyone.
- Why is this situation awful?
“Awfuls” and “terribles” aren’t real. I use them to describe how I feel but they don’t really exist. I could just as easily view situations with less emotion.
- Why should everything go my way?
I’m a fallible person who makes mistakes, not the ruler of the universe.
- Why am I still worthwhile when things go wrong?
Situations can’t make me less valuable. Like everyone, I’m priceless.
- Why is it better to be reasonable, respectful, and loving with my family?
Each family member is priceless too. Demanding my way smothers them, models irrational behavior, and loses me their love and respect.
Conclusion for a Better Marriage, Children, and Family:
To become a better person, be rational. Tame your “awful” and “terrible” thoughts.
To create a better marriage, lift the pillow from your partner’s face. Turn from being a tyrant to becoming a lover. Apologize for angry outbursts.
To raise better children, show them respect and loving behavior. Teach them to challenge their thoughts just like you challenge yours. Teach them to be rational.
Resource Box_______________________________________________
Jean Tracy, MSS, publishes a Free Parenting Newsletter at www.KidsDiscuss.com Subscribe and receive 80 fun activities to share with your children.
Pick up Jean's Free Marriage E-Course, "Parents, Stop Fighting! Save Your Marriage Now!"
(April 2009) (
