In no particular order, these three links refer to very important information in the development of happy, well behaved and responsible children.  These are the basics of what I try to do (and constantly remind myself because I forget) in the day-to-day raising of my children.  I hope it

is useful to you.

Positive Reinforcement

All children, to a greater or lesser degree, seek attention.

 

            Good Attention – most desirable

Bad Attention – less desirable

No Attention – least desirable

 

Looking at the list above, it is possible to see that a child will prefer Bad Attention to No Attention.  If a child learns that his usual behaviour gets minimal attention, but if he is naughty, he will get negative attention, then he may act badly, just to get attention.

So what to do?  If we watch closely as our child goes about his day, and note when he is gentle, or quiet, or neat or kind, and then give a smile, or a positive comment for each act of good behaviour, we can notice our child’s reaction.  The praise of a parent can be a very powerful thing.

I’d bet that eventually, with persistence, a difficult child’s behaviour will alter to be more aimed to please.

I should also mention that sometimes kids need some time to themselves, so be careful not to mob them every moment of the day with compliments.

This is not to say that you should stop chastising or punishing where necessary.  There needs to be balance, and children need to have a reason to be good.  They couldn’t care less if they should do something “because it is the right thing to do”.  They do care if their actions make Mummy and Daddy happy.  That is enough for them while they are young.  Detailed consequences can wait until they are older.

Physical brain development

By the time a child is five years old, 95% of their brain structure has been formed.  The last area to develop is the prefrontal cortex, which has a period of intense development around ages 11-12, and is still developing in the teen years.  It is suggested that this is the reason that teenagers will engage in careless or reckless behaviour.  The article refers to this area of the brain as "the area of sober second thought".

Based on this information, we can see that young children don't have the capacity to fully figure out the consequences of their actions, and will need the guidance of an adult to help them to determine right and wrong.  After age 12, their ability to determine consequences will be better, but not complete.  More responsibility for their own actions can be taken by them, but their brains are not yet fully developed.

Even teenagers, who can sound reasonable and very mature (and can put forward a very convincing argument), can have deficiencies in reasoning, because this area of the brain is not yet completed.  It would be a wonderful thing if we could convince our children that we, their parents, are useful and necessary until they are really mature enough to make decisions for themselves.

One other area of this article is important enough to highlight, in my opinion:  Dr. Giedd speaks about the pruning of areas at the same time as the growth of other areas during the teen years.  His theory is that the brain is removing parts that are unnecessary, or unused.  He says "If a teen is doing music or sports or academics, those are the cells and connections that will be hardwired. If they're lying on the couch or playing video games or MTV, those are the cells and connections that are going to survive."

 

The magic Ratio of Positive and Negative Moments  

The above link is to a fascinating article about increasing the ratio of positive to negative comments made.  It’s aimed towards workers, but the concepts can easily be used for children as well.  In addition to praise for good behaviour, our language should be kept optimistic as much as possible, to teach our kids to be optimistic thinkers, and ultimately to give them their best chance of succeeding in whatever they try to do.
The article suggests that we should aim, for our own sake as well as our family's, to have five positive comments for every one negative comment.  Please read this article, as there is too much that I would love to quote from it.