Writing my book has made me think

Did I do the right thing by my children?

Would I change anything?

Will I have any regrets?

Will they blame me for some of their hurts one day?

Questions,

  questions,  questions,
But truthfully, I don't have the answers.

Whilst writing the story, I wasn't affected at all by the things that happened to me as I wrote them all down, but what I am struggling with is writing about the things my children went through when I was not well enough to fully protect them

I guess, its going to be many years if I will ever have the answers to my questions. Actually I don't think I would change anything of my own actions. Although I would have loved to have stopped some of the things happening to them.

How I wish that I had had the strength to call their father on many many occasions and make demands like
Stop frightening them by hurting me
Stop badmouthing me to them in public
Stop messing them around
Stop failing to turn up as arranged
Stop driving away as they cried because he chose to cut short their time together
Stop asking them to deliver hurtful messages to me
amongst just a few things!!!!

But I didn't and that is something I have to find a way of mentally working through. I was so scared of doing the wrong thing by my sons and robbing them of a father, that just maybe I gave him the opportunity to keep hurting them

The facts are that since they stopped seeing their dad, which was the choice they made entirely on their own, with no pressure from anyone. The transformation is amazing and wonderful to all of us who really love them
They are relaxed, happy, content, fun loving, confident and self assured.

Do I make myself feel better by soaking up their pleasure in life now, or do I hold myself back and that way, once again put them under pressure by pleading with them to assure me that I did the right thing?

I believe how I feel, is my problem to work out
I know with no doubt whatsoever, that my children know the depth, width and height of my love for them, they know it is endless and unconditional.

Maybe one day, I will have to answer to them as to why I let them continually stay with a father who had no time for them........who knows????
Or just maybe they will one day thank me for trusting them to make that most difficult decision for themselves........again who knows???

I wish with all my heart that my children had had a father, who loves them as much as I know my father loves me, but the facts are, their father didn't know how to show love or how to give love.

I can't change genetics, but I can cherish, nurture and support them into being the mighty fine young men that I believe they will be.

They have moulded into young boys that are the most sweet, gentle and kind hearted young men that I could have dreamed of. They show respect to all (apart from each other every now and then LOL......brothers !!!!!) They are polite and well mannered.

They are loving and demonstrative with that love,  so I guess that maybe after all I did do the right thing by them.

My heart goes out to anyone who is trying to work through these very same emotions, I wouldn't wish it on any loving parent.

Just follow your heart, listen to your children and act in their interests not your own