Hey Careen,

Yes, the decisions we make really aren't easy, are they. Here we are with a long history with our other halves and yet we find ourselves in the position of having to decide whether or not it is them or us that need counselling (or even both, either together or seperately). You may indeed find that he will not accept counselling as a condition to reconciliation so brace yourself for that one. Have just read your blog and it interests me that you have lost twice the amount of weight that I did recently (I lost 20 kilos over the six month period before leaving my husband). Was it a conscious choice or did it 'just happen'? If the latter, then please take notice of my advice because you will make yourself ill if you keep losing it at that rate - and I'm one to talk ... it's taken me three months to put four kilos on ... Remember, no matter what happens in the near and not so far future, your relationship will have its' ups and downs and be quite tumultuous - don't let it get to you. Support your kids. It seems they have definite personal goals so you may have to find it in yourself to put your own goals to one side (whilst looking after yourself on a personal level) so that they can get through the hurt that will no doubt be happening to them at this point in their lives. Feel free to email me at any time and we can have a chat if you need to vent ... I certainly needed to vent for a while there but I have just started seeing my own psychologist so I am hoping to keep it to that forum for the meantime. The Minti community have been a great support to me and I have met a few people here who I would like to take the time to get to know once I have 'settled' a little more. Kseers and llmunchkin, you know who I mean, especially. I don't know your specific situation but it sounds like your husband has some 'issues', perhaps with trust, perhaps with other things. I'm currently reading a book by Susan Jeffers called 'I'm Okay you're a brat!' that outlines what happens to a relationship after we bring children into the equation. It sounds like very many of us, especially those of us who have accepted our single status, would agree with a lot of what she has to say on the subject of relationship issues. Perhaps worth a read? Anyway, keep happy lady and good luck - I hope things work out for the better in your family situation. Keep in touch, Kelly

That book sounds really good I will have to look it up!  I made the decision to lose weight because I was sick of being an obese women so I set out to lose weight - I thought losing weight would make me look sexier but it has seemed to repluse my husband!  I have counselling organsied for me next Tuesday!  I love to eat so I have been emotionally eating but realised that I have put some weight on so now I am watching what I eat because I don't want to end up big again!

Careen

Hi Anita,

I hope things are going alright with you and your ex at the moment. I was a little concerned about your comment that he is 'trying to make it very hard' and I sincerely hope that he is not the emotionally abusive kind. If he is, you may have to accept that your life would be better off without him in the picture. Many men do not even know that they are doing this, they are simply unable to accept or understand that you can possibly manage without them in your life. Relationships after children are very different to before children come into the picture and if he made the decision to leave before your daughter was even born, well, it was his choice to start with ... anyway, all the best and do what you think is right for you and your littlie.

Love, Kelly

Thanks darlin,

I needed to write it to remind myself of what I needed to do for myself. I'm having enormous difficulties but hope to find some relief in the not too distant future. I hope I have given someone else a helping hand in an extremely hard to cope with situation ... I wish life was perfect but, unfortunately, it never seems to turn out that way.

Love, Kelly

Hey there,

I'm so glad you've managed to get yourself the help you needed to get through your crisis. An abusive ex is the absolutely worst thing that can happen, and unfortunately probably the hardest situation to get oneself out of. Congratulations and please give BIG HUGS to all your angels from me. They sound like they love you heaps and it must have made it all worth it for you to see the big picture and get yourself 'the hell out of there'. Funny though, having seen the recent news in both Aust and the US with regards to the situations to do with paramedics and emergency services personnel, it doesn't surprise me a whole lot that your ex is one of 'them' ...

Good luck for the future honey, Kelly

Hi Josie,

Your blog entry of 23 April hit a chord with me - I agree, there's only so much emotional energy that one can channel into a partner when they are supposed to be your equal in life, not your child. Life is just not fair and it's a fact that we have to learn to live with. I wish you all the best in the future and hope that you are able to keep your children in a stable situation whilst your 'husband' finds more suitable accommodation. I also hope that he has the strength of character to stay in your childrens lives and be a supportive parent and not revert to his previous depressive history, especially in light of your current situation. Please feel free to keep in touch and let me know how you're going as it would be supportive for both of us, I feel, to have someone to talk to, someone with whom they can empathise rather than just be an outsider who has no idea of the emotional upheaval that comes from years and years of negatitivity.

Love and hugs, Kelly

Hi Lui,

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your post earlier. I have much to learn about the etiquette of the Minti site. I am about to add you to my friends list, as per your invite (I thought we'd already done that bit) and just wanted to say thank you for all your advice and support over the last few weeks. I'm regularly having my ups and downs - some nights I sleep very early (like tonight, I'm doing to bed asap after writing this) and others, like last night, I find myself up until three or four in the morning because I simply cannot get my mind to quieten down enough to allow me to sleep. Does me in the next day but I manage to keep it together for Jasmine's sake. I'm not losing my temper as much these days as I've not been receiving as many silly phone calls lately - I think he got the hint a few nights ago when I simply said he'd caught me at a bad time to talk about relationships (it was after nine at night and he'd obviously had a bottle or so of wine before he rang, wanting to know if I still felt anything for him - goodness, what do you say? No, fifteen years means absolutely nothing?). Anyway, I don't know about brave as this is the second time I have chickened out of a relationship after the birth of a child. Last time was because of domestic violence, this time was more like emotional abuse though I'm sure he didn't/doesn't see it that way. You are right - any rocky, personal situation takes the same degree of self care to get through. I simply hope that I am able to follow through on my own advice. Love to get to you know you better, take care and BIG HUGS.

Love, Kelly

Hi to all single mums,

About 6 years ago my now ex husband decided I was too fat to be with and we drifted apart, which looking back I knew I no longer loved him as he turn into a completly different person to the one I had married and on the eve of what would have been our 5th wedding anniversary we seperated. My daughter was 2 and my son 6 months and we moved into a townhouse and  started our new lives. My weight was an issue for me to and I lost 40 kilos very quickly but hid it from my ex so he wouldn't think I did it for him but having amazing friends around me made me realise I was doing it all for me and my kids and I stopped worring about what he thought and began to see the old me again, don't get me wrong it took over a year for me to get me to stop talking about him all the time (he was an emotional abuser and still is) but after all my freinds and family telling me how strong I am and seeing I was a much better mum single. My sister gave me somre great advice (she found out her ex was gay) " don't be a marter to yourself " and I took that on and started to do things for me not just for my kids and after a few guilty moments I found I was a happier person and mum.

It is now 6 years on and I am in a realtionship with an amazing man who loves me for me and also my kids as his own (he has a 3 year old girl who I love just as much), we are palnning to marry soon and we do have a bub on the way (29 weeks today) but this is such a different realtionship, I am honest with him and don't hide how I feel to spare his feelings, I never push him away and I love him like i have never loved before. My ex was in a realtionship after we broke up very quickly and when I found out I really didn't care but I was in no rush to meet anyone and 3.5 years later I meet my partner. My ex is in a realtionship were she is possesive of him (like he was with me for 8 years) and doesn't let him do anything on his own which I find very funny. We were doing shared care early last year but my daughter came home on Saturday witha bright red welt on her bottom from a wooden spoon and when I rang my ex to yell at him for hurting our little girl he told him it was his girlfriend and he then tried to tell me why but I so RED and she has never seen them since and after I found out how much crap my daughter had to deal with at her dads I couldn't bare it and rang all the authorties I had to and stopped shared care and told my ex he wouldn't be seeing the kids while he was with her (my son was treated like a king at his dads and turned into a real pain, he is now back to a great liitle boy who loves his sister) and they didn't see him for over 5 months. It is now over a year since all this happened and he rarely see his kids cause he chose her over them and I am so angry at that but he will be the biggest loser in the end cause my partner has happily taken on the role has their father figure and he is fantastic with all the kids. My two still miss their dad and I never say anything bad about him infront of them or when I know they can hear (really hard to do might I add) but I know it's all about them and they have nothing to do with what happened but my ex has no clue.

Long story short, a lot more has happened in the last 6 years and I still have a lot of anger towards my ex cause of how he treated the kids but I don't let it or him have power over me anymore and I try not to dwell on it, I just hope my kids turn out ok cause of him and his girlfriend, but they are back to being kids, my daughter is no longer having bad dreams and is happy and no longer clings to my partner and my son no longer treats his sister like crap, he did at his dads cause thats how they treated her, and he is a great little man who loves spending time with my partner. My ex barely pays child support and to be honest I feel sorry for him cause he has lost so much, he treats his mum and sister like crap who I am very close with too and no one respects him and he had lost them too atleast until he breaks up with his girlfriend. I never thought when we broke up I would be were I am now and my advice is be angry when you need to be, cry and do what feels right for you but don't let the bad feelings rule your life forever, when you are ready see how far you have come on your own and take a step back and see what kind of mum you are now. Do not be a marter to yourself and if you feel guilty for any reason that guilt will go away. Everyone has bad days and no that you are not alone and your kids love you. Get help and advice when you need to and no feeling you are feeling is too small. There is a bright light at the end of the tunnel and you are worth all the good things in the world. Hope my story helps and I am always here if anyone wants to talk.

Jodie xxxooo