The OTHER side of depression
I am writing this whilst going through the lowest period of my life, more as advice for myself to follow, a self-affirmation and a therapeutic outlet than anything else. I don’t know if this will help anyone, but I felt the need
to express my experiences as the person on the other side of depression and mental illness.
Many people can relate to either having depression or knowing someone with depression. In my case, I married someone with depression. Why? I was tolerant, I made allowances and excuses and I had a need to fix people. At the time I did not know it was depression, and neither did he.
When I first started dating my partner, he had recently lost his mother to cancer. The first year of our relationship was just like any other new relationship- flowers, chocolates, movies and dinners. When the mood changed, I put it down to suppressed and delayed grief and a non-emotionally supportive relationship between my partner and his family. So again, I made allowances and I was supportive.
I had visions of a happy family- marriage, house, children. It’s what my predecessors had done. Isn’t that the path I should take too? I had found someone and thought I might never again have someone interested in me. So I clung to this relationship and tried to make it work. I had old fashioned values: once you are with someone, you stay with them. I tried to fix him and put everything I had into engaging his mood.
Pre-kids, my partner was moody, had a short fuse but was never violent toward me- usually inanimate objects suffered the consequences, was selfish and self absorbed, apathetic, unmotivated and lazy. Everything was my fault. He took no responsibility for anything. He had no respect for anything or anyone. I thought I could fix this with some quality time together, communication and exercise. I was extremely tolerant, but at the same time young and foolish (I know that now). Still, I thought our path was to marry and have children. So we did. The children did not come easily. We suffered through infertility and we both ended up with psychological problems due to this. Again, another excuse and more allowances. We went on a big overseas holiday to aid in our pregnancy attempts. There were some great memories, but I remember thinking it would have been more fun with someone else- someone less negative and more adventurous. Someone who would not have a tantrum because we had to drive around one town 3 times to find our accommodation. I thought the experience should be exciting, he just found it stressful and something else to complain about.
Finally our twins were born. Then he became scary. He was extremely withdrawn, snapped every time I made a simple request, he was not coping at all and became highly dependent on me for emotional support. He had no friends, no close family to confide in and his work colleagues lived an hour away. I was left to deal with newborn twins on my own and on top of that, be the sole emotional support for my demanding husband. I made sure that he was protected from any stressor- I got up to them at night, they were bathed during the day by me alone, I had to have the house clean and dinner cooked so that he had nothing to worry about when he got home from work. Hanging washing at 6am, doing dishes at 10pm, getting about 4 hours sleep every night. Work was ALL that he could cope with at that stage. I could never share my worries or negative feeling with him, he could not even cope with his own.
I had unsupportive comments from him about breastfeeding and routines. Looking back, I am surprised that I managed to breastfeed for as long as I did. When my twins were about 4 months old, I tried to leave the house whilst they were awake for the first time, and left them in the care of their father (up until then I had to get them to sleep before I left them alone with him, because he would not cope). I was terrified when I had just arrived at the shopping centre car park, been gone for 10 minutes, and received a phone call from him saying “how dare you leave me alone with them while they are awake”. I sped all the way home, worried about what he would do to them if they did not stop crying.
I could have left him then. But I didn’t. No, instead I had a mature, rational and calm conversation with him, all the while being supportive, but expressing my concerns over his anger management issues and the safety of our babies. I encouraged him to seek counseling, which he did. He was better for a while but deteriorated again.
This time, I could see that the negativity he was radiating was affecting the children. I was an adult, I could cope with it, but he would not do that to our kids. My first ever ultimatum- get help or get out. So he went through the counseling process again and started on medication.
The medication did help. In fact, it helped to the extent that we decided to have another baby. Problem was, as soon as I was pregnant, he went off the meds. YET ANOTHER DETERIORATION. Well, I couldn’t leave him now……I was in too deep. New house, big mortgage, 2 kids and one on the way. No, I had to keep trying. I had to keep my family together. Relationship counseling! This time I would make sure my concerns were heard and that he was telling the truth about how he was really feeling, and not pretending everything was fine, just so that he didn’t have to attend any more. I also had to make sure that he would cope with a baby much better than the first time around- I could not go through that again. He went back on the meds and we had counseling together for most of my pregnancy. I still felt like I was the only one putting in the effort. I had to drag him off his computer games just to do our counseling homework- 10 minutes of talking, how hard should that be?!
Our third baby was born and things were going just fine, for a while at least. Then more bad stuff- in fact 4 pages of typed concern, emotion and suggestions and a laughable separation (a week off work and a 4 day fishing trip!!! Not really the reality check I had intended). The final decision: My efforts have not worked, I will step back and see where your priorities lie and if I am worth the effort, you will try.
He did get better, he now has friends, a good job, a social life, is attentive to the kids, controls his moods and has very few outbursts these days…….but for all my years of effort in making him the person he is today, I still get put second best (or third or forth). I was naïve to think that once he had the emotional ability to put back into this relationship, that after all these years of being supported and protected and not being held responsible or accountable for anything, that he would actually put some effort back into me. But he was so self absorbed that he was oblivious to my years and years of effort and didn’t even realize that there was something to be appreciated for. He is starting to acknowledge this now, but for me, it is too late.
So, as you can see, I really did try. I was as supportive as I could be for as long as I could be. The problem is, I have given too much. I have nothing left to give. When you receive nothing for your efforts, there is even less to give.
So the advice in all of this:
1- Be supportive and direct the person to professional help, but never be so protective of hurting someone that you can’t share your own feelings.
2- Never give so much of yourself that you have nothing left to give to yourself.
3- You can’t be the partner/lover and the therapist in a relationship- leave it to the experts.
4- There is only so much you can do for someone. They will only change if they want to change once they have the ability to do so.
5- Nothing is more important than protecting yourself and your children.
6- Always be honest with yourself and your partner.
7- Never take on full responsibility for making a relationship work- both partners should have equal give and take throughout the overall course of the relationship.
8- Partners of people suffering from depression should also seek professional help. There can be a lot to offload and deal with when your partner is not only not able to help with your concerns but also making extra demands on your energies.
9- Actions speak louder than words. There is only so many times you can express something before change should occur. If change does not occur after the first couple of attempts, then its obviously not that persons priority.
10- Depression is a factor, not a long term excuse!
11- I was put in this situation for a reason. Rather than letting it drag me down, I am trying my hardest to let this experience make me a stronger person. Life sometimes takes effort to be happy- for that I now need to focus a little on me!
I have learned many things about myself through this journey. Now after 11 years of putting my life and soul into someone else, I have to deal with my own lack of self worth, low self esteem, anger, resentment, grief for what should have been, fear for the future and worry over the outcome for my 3 kids. I am now going through my own acute depressive state and dealing with the stress of a separation and seeking counseling myself. I am hurting. I am left to pick up the pieces of my life because this one person who I had put so much into, never cared enough to return the favour by even a fraction. I am not the same person I was 11 years ago, my experiences have changed me. But only I can determine if that change is for the better or worse in the long term. Live and learn.
This is the other side of depression.
(May 3rd) (
. Thanks for reading bruciegee!
