Re: Desperately wanting
Asked by lyndj

Question:

Hi, we are desperately wanting to have a baby and I have been off the pill for 5 months but nothing yet... The doctors tell me it will take time and logically I know this but

I have spoken to so many women who say they fell pregnant almost immediately after stopping the pill. So as you can imagine, feeling a little down at the moment and alone in this situation as my friends can't understand because it happened quickly with them. Would just like to hear from others on how to cope with the disappointment everytime we take a test and it is negative and the waiting....

My Advice:

It is very hard.  We started trying for a baby in the June of 2000.  During the first six months I had two miscarriages and then just month after month of negative tests.  My son was finally born in June 2003.

It takes a huge toll on you.  I suffered weight gain and depression, at some points I hated my body and it's "failure" to work.  It affected our marriage too.

Some things I would like to say to you.

Make sure you keep time for you as a couple, make sure you have times you enjoy and that you laugh together.  Don't let your intimate time together become all about making a baby.  In the times that come - whether baby comes quickly or takes its time - you will need each other and so you need to make sure that there is something there between you to come back to.

Make sure you look after yourself and your body.  Keeping your body healthy is soo important - feed it, nourish it with good food and exercise.  Don't do as I did and punish it and hate it for not making a baby.  It can take time and despising your body will not help it do the amazing job of creating a new life.

Remind yourself that you are a beautiful woman.  Whether your body conceives quickly or painfully, you are still a worthy and lovely woman who deserves to be loved and appreciated.  Talk positively to yourself and to your body at all times.  Pyschology affects our physical wellbeing in a very definite way.

Not everyone falls pregnant immediately.  Everyone is different.  And it can change.  For our first child it took years, for our second it took a couple of months.  Hold out hope.

Talk to your doctor and make sure there is nothing in your lifestyle or health that may be affecting your chances.  Make sure that you are taking all the right supplements - folate and a good antenatal vitamin.  Most doctors will tell you to wait 6-12 months of trying before they will intervene (depending upon your age).  For me it was longer, because of the weight situation and the depression.  Ironically once we decided to stop "trying for a baby" and concentrate on my health and our relationship, it happened naturally almost immediately.

Become aware of how your body works and your cycles.  There are ovulation tests you can buy that help - or you can track from your temperature and ways your body is behaving.  If you look online there will be sites that give you advice on these things.  Knowing what and when your body is doing things will help you greatly to work out when the best time to be trying is.

If you are someone who likes to explore different options, talk to a naturopath about ways they may be able to help.  I read some fantastic books on boosting your bodies fertility naturally and followed their suggestions.  These included supplements, removing chemicals from your environment, healthy, organic food, gentle exercise and other things I can't remember right now.

Find yourself friends to support you.  I had a great support group online that I 'chatted' to daily (through Yahoo).  There are similar groups on here.  Finding people who have been through what you have is so helpful and they can offer more advice on things that have helped them.

Above all, don't torture yourself with "why can others and I can't?"  Every woman is different.

I came to feel so angry and cheated that every time I saw a pregnant woman it plunged me into the depths of despair - it seemed so unfair.  Yet some of those women have probably struggled, some may have other struggles, you never know.  It is unfair that people who desparately want children and would love them unconditionally can't always have them.  But it doesn't help you dwelling on the unfairness of it.  Try to think positively and find stories of women who have had children after struggles and often having been told they can't.  Miracles do happen.

You are still really in the early days and I hope that the line on the pregnancy test appears for you soon.  Until then, hang in there, knowing that not everyone falls pregnant immediately and you are not alone.  Try and keep positive and look after yourself and one day I hope you'll share your pregnancy joy with us.