I initially wrote this as a blog, but I have been encouraged to put it here, so I hope it makes sense and reads OK to you all....

I just read Marg's advice to parents of teen girls here  and it followed a train of thought I have

been thinking about for a few days.  Bruciegee suggested we talk to our kids about picking partners long before the issue is an issue, before they fall in love.  It got me thinking back to my teens.

When I was a teenager I went to a Christian youth group and with the Christian emphasis on abstinence before marriage, we had some quite healthy discussions on picking a "boyfriend".  I remember a youth leader telling me that you should always go into a relationship aware of where it may lead.  So, if at 15 you meet a boy you like, it could be at 21 that you marry them, and so before you start that relationship at 15 you need to look at your partner and think "is this someone I want to end up with?"

As teens we thought that was really funny and we used to look at the boys we dated and think "is he the marrying one or the fun for a fling one?" - kind of missing the point really....  That sometimes the one that we think will be fun for a fling we get attached to and, whether good or bad, your lives end up entwined together.  This can be wonderful and this can also be very painful if they are not a healthy person to be tied to.

Even at school I remember one particular teacher talking about how the rollercoaster of hormones and emotions can take us places we don't intend going.  A bit like a waterfall that starts off slow and builds up and up until it is out of your control and you are carried along somewhere that you may have had no intention of going.  Once you are aware of it, she figured, you might be able to stop the "ride" at some point and say "No, this is not a healthy relationship" or "No, this is not a place I want to go".  She suggested that setting up boundaries beforehand - of things that are OK and things that are not - you are more prepared to say NO when when something you don't agree with  happens.

Of course having good examples of healthy relationships to look up to is important.  I knew from my parents that people can stay married and be happy together and respect and love another over many years.  I had some ideas of what to look out for, and what characeristics help make someone a good partner.  i also had good ideas about negotiation, discussion and respecting each other within a partnership - and what behaviours are not acceptable.  I hope I provide the same type of example to my kids.

My husband and I had been friends for a few years and friends of ours were dating, when someone asked why we didn't "go out" together as we make such a good couple.  I remember saying and knowing in my heart "there is no rush because once we start 'going out' that will be it for us, we'll be together forever."  I knew somehow that he was a good match, the marrying kind - we were friends and we got on well, we have similar backgrounds, similar world views and goals and it just felt "right".  That doesn't mean we weren't "in love" but we went in with our "thinking caps" on so to speak.

Once we became a couple it affected our choices - I weighed up how decisions would affect both of us, not just me.  This is not a bad thing, just a reality and at 17-18 that is a lot of responsibility to bear.  We wanted to give it plenty of time.  I had a year overseas, that didn't affect our relationship at all, then I went to uni and moved out of home and the relationship was stronger than ever.  At 19 we got engaged, at 21 we were married.  I had never planned on marrying early and it was frowned upon by various people, but we knew it was right for us.

I finished uni, got a job, we moved a few times, including our move to the country, we suffered various ills together - miscarriages, job crises, infertility, car accidents, depression.  Now, thirteen years on with two children we are still happy together.  It has taken work, and when we are struggling we have sought help and worked on it and here we are!  So our story has been happy - and sad at times, but overall it has been good and a joy and a blessing.

So I am very thankful for the good example we both got in our parents, in friends, teachers and youth leaders and for the people who took the time out to give us advice so that decision I made when I was 15 didn't carry me to a bad situation.  At almost 35 I don't regret it in the slightest and am still thankful for all we have - because it was a good decision in the first place and has taken us to wonderful places. 

Somehow I pray that, knowing that, I can help guide our children to make their own "good decisions" - about relationships that are healthy, satisfying, fulfiling, loving and respectful.  Relationships that build them up and make them better people (as mine has been) - not ones that destroy and leave them empty.  So I appreciate advice from more "experienced" mums like Marglr and I appreciate the reminder to think back on what helped me at that age, because i believe that though (i hope) it may be decades away, I can be mindful that the examples and advice I give my kids now provide the grounding for good advice and help when it is needed later on. 

And, yes, I will be having the same chat with my kids as teens that other people had with me, so that they have the same basis on which to make good decisions as they traverse the tricky field of relationships.