I have come to realise that many families have at least one of these lurking. This is an article on my experience with the monster in law (aka mother in law).

There I stood dressed in sweat pants, old sneakers and a tank top bearing my shoulder tattoo. I

was standing in a multi million dollar house staring at two early 40 year old retired bank managers wearing suits to eat their breakfast and read the morning newspaper. I had failed the first impression. I quietly and nervously said hello as they glanced up from their reading material, only for them to completely ignore me and continue reading. I already felt terribly uncomfortable and unwelcome. How did these two snobs give birth to such a wonderful, non judgemental and caring individual whom I loved from the first moment I laid eyes on?

They dropped me off home as they were on their way out to the city and I was feeling quite embarrassed. I already knew they thought their son was too good for me. Now they had dropped me off in front of my parents house; a small brick frame, dead lawn, broken letter box and slum suburb of the neighbourhood.

He was 18 years of age and his mother warned that I was just using him because of their wealth, that he should find someone more successful, dressed nicer, who came from an upper class family. Brent was leaving to become a member of the Australian Defense Force so I guess you could say they just believed I was a booty call and that he would find someone much nicer than me when he returned from training. I loved their son before I even knew about his family life as he kept it a secret from me, he actually told me he lived in a shoebox house which I didn't care about. I financially supported him while he was trying out for the army and even helped him write a resume and apply for it as his parents gave him no help at all.

He suffered a neck injury while in training and I was always waiting by the phone for when we were allowed to talk. I wrote him letters, sent him photos and our love for each other never faded even when he was sent away for 6 months.

When he returned home and his mother found that we were still very much together she threatened to take him out of the will and cancel any trust funds they had set up for him. They even attempted to track his where abouts. My partner tried to make both of us happy, he lied to his parents and said he was at his aunties house while continuing to see me and wouldn’t man up and tell his mother to get lost.

After several months of the lies he finally grew the courage (or gave in to my constant nagging) and told her to keep her money that he didn’t want it and that they had made 0 effort to get to know me and that they didn’t know the same person that he did. So they invited me around for dinner and barely talked to me. They asked what my parents did for a living (work in regular retail) which wasn't a good enough response so went silent and continued eating. I actually have a lot more motivation than my parents to succeed in life but they had already tried to guess my future from my parents. I am nothing like them.  After I went home they told Brent that they thought I was rude, arrogant, ignorant and a bad influence. When I was just too nervous to be myself as I knew they were judging my every move and word.

She banned me from coming to the house as she accused me of treating her house as a hotel stay (I stayed 1 night – cleaned my own dishes, made my bed, folded the towels I used for crying out loud). Which I can honestly say is more than what some people would do (leave the bed unmade, leave their towels on the floor and not offer to wash up). And she told Brent that he was no longer allowed to stay overnight at my house and to be home before dinner or not bother coming home. She tried everything to get to me and make me leave him and it honestly nearly worked. Especially when he kept ying-yanging between trying to make his mother happy as well as me.

Eventually he rebelled against them and told them to get stuffed that he was with me and that was that. They told him he had a week to move out and so he did. Then they felt guilty and bought new furniture for the room he was leasing, trying to win him back. That didn’t last very long as soon afterward I fell pregnant with our son. As you could imagine my partner was too scared to tell them and I literally had to demand that he tell them the truth. And as you could have probably for-told – They expressed how unhappy they were with our circumstances.

A few weeks passed and his mother invited us to come stay. I thought that maybe they would accept me now and try to get to know me as it was quite obvious that I was staying for good and they weren’t getting rid of me. She took me out shopping, bought all my baby furniture, custom made baby bag, top of the range pram, almost a thousand dollars in maternity clothes and then turned her back on me and started ignoring me again. It was almost as if she was saying “well I’ve done my part, I helped you now go away.” I was really upset as had I known this, I would have refused her help. I wanted to talk to her and at least attempt to get along.

They did take me in for a couple of weeks before and after my birth but I was completely ignored the whole time. Brent’s father had made the effort to get to know me and I found myself talking to him most nights and found that we actually had a lot in common and we made each other laugh as we had a similar sense of humor. The only time his mother spoke to me was when she was complaining how someone couldn't put her pool in on the day she wanted. Oh dear... didn't hear me complaining when I had nothing but a box to put my son's clothes in - just made do with what I already had lol

We moved out – they got all nice towards us bought us most of our furniture and then disappeared off the face of the Earth again. I got to know his mother’s game: Use her money to make her feel like she has contributed and so doesn’t need to put any effort for a while. We now refuse any financial help from her, she sent us a couple of boxes of nappies and we sent them back to her saying they were the wrong size and that their grandson had actually grown a lot since they last saw him. We are trying to get the point across that we would like her to show that she cares for her grandson, not that she can help us provide for him. We're financially stable enough to do that on our own without their help.

When she invited us over they didn’t even say hello they sat in their theater room watching movies and completely ignored us and their grandson. They wouldn’t look after him, hold him, hug him, kiss him or play with him. We were up there for 2 days and they spent  most of the 2 days fixing one of their houses. Why on Earth would you invite your son and grandson up to spend time with them and then not make any effort to communicate?? When I went to lay down she decided she wanted to make a fuss over him so I think she either didn't want me around or for some reason felt intimidated to interact with him in front of me. If the latter I have no idea why I think I'm pretty easy going but it is unfair to my son that she ignores him in my presence.

It’s now been  3 years and I honestly have given up. We had to ring them all the time and make all the effort to see them, they never made any effort to come see us or even make a phone call to ask how their grandson is. Raiden is now 8 months old and his dead beat grandparents haven’t even asked to spend one lousy day with him.

How we have managed the situation: We wrote them a letter explaining how hurt we are about their lack of involvement in Raiden's life and gave them an overview of what we expect from them as active grandparents. I know his mother and I will never get along so at family functions I just talk to the people who I do get along with. I have come to understand that I can't "make" them do anything but I can choose how I let it affect me. We are in their bad books at the moment but according to his grandmother his mum is having a good think about her behaviour but is too anxious to spend time with our son as when both of her son's were younger she was in and out of the psych ward with her bipolar so doesn't have much experience with kids. We honestly wish she could have just told us that sooner, it would make life so much easier if she would communicate with us.

My advice for anyone who finds themselves in a situation where their partner is trying to please you both:

• If your partner is serious about you and wants to spend their life with you, you need to come first always. Let your partner know that the way their parents treat     you or talk to you is unacceptable and they need to address this and stand their ground.

• Don’t let a monster in law disrespect you. Every person deserves to be treated with respect and it is important that you and your partner stick together.

• If it’s your house then they’re your rules. Don’t let a monster in law tell you how to raise your children, how to run your home or talk to you in a rude manner under your roof. Ask them to cease their behaviour or leave. Don’t be passive or they will continue to treat you this way. If they want to play victim then let them sulk and come around when they have lifted the chip off their shoulder.

• Don’t let monster in laws mistreat your children. In particular don’t let them play favourites with their grandchildren, kids will often blame themselves for being treated unfairly and feel that they aren’t worthy of that grandparent’s love or even feel that there is something wrong with them. Every grandchild should share a unique bond with their grandparents but be treated the same as the rest of the grandchildren.

• Ask your partner to not allow any derogatory comments. Quite often monster in laws will down talk you behind your back to them. They need to be told that it’s not on, that it’s not acceptable and isn’t being listened to nor welcomed.

• Partner’s who stick together stay together. If your partner is more interested in pleasing their parents it can cause many strains on your relationship, may put holes in your relationship and may even end your relationship. Nip it in the bud before you get too serious.

Thanks for reading and feel free to post your own advice/experiences for other’s to read on monster in laws (mother in law & father in law). It seems to be a pretty popular Q&A.