I know that this is a private thing that most people choose not to discuss.  My hope is that by sharing my story that it may inspire someone else.

My husband and I have been having a lot of trouble in our marriage.  I had reached the point

where I was ready to divorce.  I could not take the thought that staying with him was going to mean that the rest of my life was going to be like this.  We married a year after we met.  A year after that it was baby time.  During the first 2 years we were completely remodeling our home that was built in 1870.  We tore this place down to the frame.  At the same time I was working about 60 hours a week.  I guess we were too busy to get to know eachother.  The reason we rushed into marriage was because of my husband's age.  He is much older then I am and we wanted children.  If we did not start a family right away then we weren't going to because he did not want to be raising toddlers while he was retired.

My children were suffering because I was miserable.  I was always tired and I was finding that I was not having the patience with them that they deserve.  I also wanted to set a better example for my children.  I did not want them to see our marriage the way it was and to that that it was normal.

The issues I took to the counselor were the following:

• My husband told me he no longer found me attractive.
• His mother - a long story involving her treating me horribly and ignoring her grandchildren.
• I desperately miss work (if I go back to work I would be paying more in child care then what I make)
• Ahem - Let's just say bedroom issues
• .......It goes on would other things.  Basicly my husband has maintained every aspect of his life since pre children  days while I have given up so much.

Please allow me to add that yes, I get that I am lucky to have a man come home every night and he provides financially for the children and I.  Yes, I get that having a home to live in and a man that does not physically abuse the children or I is more then many woman have.    At the same time I have been completely isolated in this marriage.  Our counselor asked us at one session if I had any girlfriends I could spend an afternoon with.  My answer was simply, "no".  I dropped all my friends because I did not have the time and my husband did not want to do what people of my age did.  Being isolated with a man that tells you that he is no longer attracted to you is tough.  Watching him head off to a rewarding career every day while I stay home with 2 children and his 2 hunting dogs (so he can have his hobby too) is not exactly thrilling.  I only wanted 1 child but I gave in to my husbands desires for a second.  I love her without a doubt.  It is just another point that he has gotten his way.

After many arguments and many sessions of me pleading with my husband to see that I needed a change nothing was happening for me.  After we had a "talk" my husband would be a bit more aware of things but after a few days it would go right back to normal.  My husband did not ever deny that what I was saying was true.  He saw that I was not happy.  The thing is he did not care enough to put in any effort.  He was happy and to him that is all that mattered.

Session #1 - We got there and sat in the office of a pretty blond counselor.  Did I mention that my husband got to decide which counselor we went to?  As long as we were there that is all that mattered, it was just ironic when he was telling me he was no longer attracted to me.  We went over our background together in the short 45 minute session.  It is real hard to sneak in that much history in the 45 minute session.  My husbands only complaint was that I was not happy.  Apparently he expected me to walk through life with a big smile on my face like nothing was wrong!  As we walked out to our car after the appointment I asked my hubby what he felt about the session.  He said he was happy with it!  He then made a comment about the fact that he did not realize that this one specific thing was bothering me so much.  I wanted to scream.  I had been telling him for years that this was an issue for me but it only took one mention from a counselor to have him get it.

Session #2 - We go into depth with some of the topics.  We left with homework assignments.  My assignment was to start doing things for myself that I enjoy.  The counselor suggested I take a night out without the husband or children.  Sounded good to me!  My husbands assignment was to plan a romantic evening for the 2 of us.  Again. it sounded good to me!

Session #3 - We were talking about the issues with my mother-in-law.  This isn't typical mother-in-law and daughter-in-law stuff.  She has some serious problems and was abusive to her children when they were young.  This woman has serious problems.  I wanted to set some basic ground rules in order to protect my children and I.  I requested that she be told she needs to call before she visits and that my husband confront her and ask her why she was treating me so horribly, why she disliked me.  The counselor replied that she thought that was a very reasonable request and looked to my husband for his reply.  The look on his face was priceless.  He wanted to disagree but for once he stopped himself because when hearing the counselor make the statement he knew that it was not unreasonable.  For some reason he stopped to think about any statement that she made while he always ignores me or argues the point.

.....The story goes on.  Things are not perfect with my husband but I am not seeking perfection.  I only want a little effort.  I have seen the effort and I have told my husband that.  I am happy with it and he is quite proud of himself for trying.

Counseling is not as horrible as it sounds.  It is great to have someone with an unbiased opinion to go over some issues with.  We went for the sake of our children and I am glad that we did.  I hope that my story helps someone to understand what counseling is like and to know that it is not something to fear.  It is a lot like adding a referee to the marriage. 

It is expensive.  $110 USD for a 45 minute session.  Some insurance companies will reimburse part of it.  Some employers have a program to help too.  Check into what is available to you.  We are going to have a hard time paying for these sessions but in my opinion the is a necessity and we need to find the money to do this.  Our children deserve it.