(I am a child protection worker, in western Canada, so I write this from my own professional experience and knowledge. Although exact details of laws, policies, and procedures vary differently country to country, in most countries, especially commonwealth countries and the United States, the basic premise is the same.

There are many articles about domestic violence here on Minti, and I suggest you read them. Many of those articles talk about how to escape the violence, that you don’t deserve it, and to address your self esteem/self image in your situation. This will not be a touchy-feely advice piece- I am writing this to share some cold hard facts about the consequences of remaining in a violent situation.

Exposure to domestic violence is harmful to children. That’s a fact, and is recognized in the laws of many nations. Parents often tell me “But it’s okay, the children were sleeping- they didn’t know about it, it couldn’t’ve hurt them”. That is not true. Children have sharp little ears, and just because they were sleeping it doesn’t mean they still are when there has been yelling in the house. And just because they didn’t come out of their rooms, that doesn’t mean they didn’t wake up. Hearing one parent treating the other like that is harmful, and hearing their parents yelling at each other is harmful too, on top of that harm. Seeing the repercussions of the abuse afterwards- the abused parent dealing with the emotions from it, the injuries, etc, is harmful to the child. Each of these things intensifies the harm to the children. But it is true that witnessing the violence directly is even more harmful.

When a child witnesses domestic violence, regardless of how young or old they are, it causes serious harm. It teaches children that it’s okay to hit. It teaches children that that’s how you deal with your anger. It teaches children that this is what relationships are supposed to be like. Children will model this behavior. These children often become either more violent or more submissive. Children are very fearful in these situations, and react strongly to this in one way or another- and that is very harmful to them. And that’s not to mention the scariest thing that can happen.

The thing that scares me the most about children witnessing domestic violence, is the potential for them to be physically harmed. It is not uncommon for children to attempt to protect the parent who is being abused. This may be with their words, which can result in the abuser lashing out at them. But many children, from toddlers to teenagers, will actually try to physically stop the abuser. And these children can be severely hurt when they do so. From holding onto an abuser’s legs to getting between the abuser and the abused, they are trying to protect their parent. And that is so dangerous for those little children. I’ve dealt with situations where children were backhanded into walls, slapped, hit, etc as a result of trying to protect a parent. And many parents will tell me, “oh, my spouse would never do that!”. It can only take once. And really, with how your spouse treats you now, can you really say that? You didn’t think they’d treat you like this in the first place, most likely, because really, would you have chosen them if you knew this? So, do you really know what they may or may not do? And even if your child has not tried to intervene before, there is no way to know if they will the next time. So please, don’t underestimate the potential of physical harm to come to your children as a result of the violence between you and your spouse. And that’s not even talking about direct, intentional, harm to the children by your spouse.

Direct physical harm to children by abusive partners does occur. If he can treat you that way, why wouldn’t he treat the children that way too? Now, this does seem to be less common than the children being hurt by accident. But if he tends to use physical discipline, or to discipline in anger, then there is the potential for escalation in this area. It seems to be less common, but it is still serious. Don’t underestimate the potential of harm in this area.

I hope this has helped you to see clearly the harm the situation you are in is doing to your children. It is tearing them apart- in these ways, and so many others. If your kids are talking to you about it, that alone should show you how it hurts them. If they’re asking you about it, know it’s because their trying to process and understand something their minds can not handle. And it is changing the very structures of their minds, of their world view and their outlook on life. This is happening even if their not asking- but if they are that just shows you how severe the harm is. And it is your responsibility to protect your children from this.

As a parent to your children, you are responsible, not just personally but also legally, to protect your children and keep them safe. You are responsible for their safety, and for protecting them from the harm you are experiencing. You are responsible for your own safety, and the choices you make around that are your choice. But you are also responsible for the safety of your children, and you are responsible for protecting them from the harm you are experiencing.

And here is where this article gets even colder, harder, and down to what you need the most to hear. Because you are not protecting your children from this harm, there is the potential for Child Protective Services to get involved in your life and your home. There is even the potential that your children could be taken away. It can happen during an incident, or it can happen if you are planning to go back into a situation where harm is likely to occur. You are putting your children in harms way. The law, and child protection workers don’t care about you- we care about your children. If you don’t leave, you are making a choice that puts your safety at risk, and that’s your choice. But if you don’t get your kids out, you are endangering your children. And if it is serious enough, we’ll get them out with or without you.  If you go back, you’re an adult making a choice that may endanger yourself- and that’s your choice. But if you take your children back in there, you are endangering your children and that’s not a choice we can let you make. Now many times, most times, it doesn’t come down to this. But you need to know it is possible.

I say these things to motivate you to get out, not to make you hide. You need to know the reality of how serious it can be, and how serious it can become without any warning. You know how volatile and unpredictable your abuser is. You need help to get out, but they can’t help you unless you want it and know that you need it. You do need it. These same services will help you in anyway they can to help you protect your children yourself. In some places child protective services can help you, in other places they refer you to other agencies that do. But there is help for you! That will help you to protect your children so that it doesn’t come to someone having to protect them for you.

Now, don’t take me to be saying that it is always unsafe to go back. There are times when people genuinely wake up and change. I do believe that anyone can change. But get an outside, neutral opinion. If his counselors think it’s safe, and your counselor thinks it’s safe, you can go back. But if you make a hasty decision, or choose wrong, you could be risking Child Protection involvement. So choose carefully, err on the side of caution, and know that it is safe before you go back. Sometimes leaving early will allow you to be able to salvage the relationship, and go back. Sometimes that’s the wake up the abuser needs. But if you’ve left before and it didn’t wake him up, or didn’t wake him up enough, look at it really carefully and objectively with outside help, because it may be best to just get out.

Some people talk to me about the harm of a child being raised without their dad. And I ask them which is worse- all of the above we discussed, or being without their dad? The answer is usually clear- they are better off without their dad! This is really a sign that you need support. There are agencies that will help you. It is less harm to leave than to stay.

So, that’s the cold hard facts. What you are experiencing is hurting your children, even if you don’t think it is. If your spouse is controlling you, hitting you, or yelling matches occur, there is serious potential for harm to your children. And it is your responsibility to protect them. There are agencies that will help you to do this. If you fail to protect your children yourself, Child Protective Services will do so for you. You and your children deserve to be safe, need to be safe. And it’s up to you to protect your children and your self. Your children and their safety must come first.

There are other Minti articles that will tell you how to get out, and will talk to you about where to get help. I’ve linked some of them. But it is up to you to make the choice to leave. To protect your babies and go. And now that you know the cold hard facts, make an educated decision, knowing the possible consequences. Put your children before yourself, and make the choices you need to to protect them.

If you to talk to me, I’m here, and I will support you. There is also a group on Minti called We Love Our Children Too, where we support those who are dealing with abuse issues or with child protective services. I pray for safety for you and your children.

I Am’s child.