I a agee. Forgiveness means give a second chance .... to change the future....

I agree. Forgiveness is a choice and it should be done regardless of whether the party who did you wrong knows that he/she has been forgiven.

Great article, don't know why I haven't read it sooner... Forgiveness is a choice.  It actually the person forgiving who benefits from choosing to forgive someone for their actions. 

By forgiving you stop the fear and anger from festering from growing inside of you and you free yourself to move on and grow as a person.  This can be a very scary step and for some people the very concept would seem inconceivable, however they could start by practicing forgiving smaller things and see how it feels.

Forgiving is certainly not forgetting and we can live and learn from the past; however there is no point letting the past dictate our future; thanks for sharing this poignant piece of advice ; )

I feel that something that has been done that is unforgivable will never be able to truly be forgiven.

People never forget the bad things that happen, because they use these memories to guide them in later life. I believe that you can forgive the person who did the unforgivable act, but not forgive the act itself. People can learn, can alter the ways they do things, so when the person who did the act makes the relevant changes to their attitude and actions, they themselves may eventually be forgiven.

However the act that was committed will never be forgiven, but in turn can be used to help others avoid it happening to them.

Well done Raven. You have opened talk for a lot of people and that's when healing can happen.

I see it as placing blame where it is due and releasing ourselves from guilt. The energy it takes to hate steals from our own energy, it creates a negative aura.  To come to terms that wrong was done to you, that you had no power to prevent it and that the wrong doer is not released from responsiblity of their act gives you the power to place the blame.  But to allow yourself to release that from your aura places it on the wrong doer and allows you to become positive and actually pro active against the wrong.  Wrong takes power but by regaining vocus and power you create the positive forces that allow positive light back to your life.  Therefore negating the power that the wrong had over you.  I see you doing this and I rejoice that you are healing.  We all need to heal and by allowing it we make our lives fuller and stronger.

Wow!!!  My children and I were just discussing this very issue.  My advise to them was, until you forgive a person that person retains power over you.  We were discussing my M-I-L who suffered various abuses through out her childhood and is the ABSOLUTE most unhappy person I have ever met. She has no joy.  Her abusers even though passed on now still have an incredible amount of power over her life.  It is most heartbreaking to watch.

Forgiveness is freedom for you not approval of others actions.

It is literally impossible to forgive the unforgiveable.  If we declare the action, etc unforgiveable,  then it stands to reason there is no reason or room for forgiveness.

I am happy to not forgive the unforgiveable. The decision to declare something unforgiveable is driven by personal and societal morals. We each choose where to draw the line in the sand, what is unforgiveable and what is not. It is not for others to judge. We have to be answerable to our own consciences, and to our own concept of God.

I would rather work through the pain and hurt and focus on forgiving and nurturing myself. Understanding why I am so wounded and working out how to empower myself and not feel trapped by the pain forever. I can never understand why some things happen or why people do what they: too much in this world simply does not make any sense. But I can do something about how I feel about myself and how I choose to relate to others. 

Bottom line for me is, if it is unforgiveable, we aren't ever going to forgive it. Doesn't make sense to.

Thankyou for sharing.

I am having a hard time 'forgiving' things/people from my past, as to me forgiveness has always meant the same as 'what you did was ok', and I can never ever excuse the things I have been through. But I guess in the other sense of 'forgiveness' - I have done really well. I refuse to let it affect me today - I have moved on, and no longer have my heart filled with hatred. (Though when I think about the perpetrators I am filled with pure repulsion and disgust). I don't feel forgiveness is an instant thing - for me it's a work in progress that took many years for me to get to.

I have learnt to take what I can from my experiences and turn them into positives. I have learnt to trust my own judgement. I have learnt how strong I really am. I have learnt I will do anything to protect my children and I have learnt that abuse should not be swept under the rug, we should shout it fromteh rooftops if it means one more child will speak out.

Well put - I think forgiving the unforgivable is something any person on Earth can do, regardless of their religious views. It's a very powerful healing process and helps you to grow as a person xx

I found this really great quote by Anon. They're pretty popular and smart......LOL

"When we show grace to someone who has wronged us, we help show them the error of their way"

Anon.

I thought it was really cool and thought I'd share with everyone!

too often we go through life holding in the hurt from yesteryear.i am the eldest of 9,and learnt to be mother and housekeeper at a very early age ( 7 years),i bore the brunt of a lot of wrong doing,whatever the younger ones did or didn't do i was always to blame.i only have HATRED for 2 of the younger ones but the rest i have pity for them.i have tried many times to heal the rift bought about by my parents but only a few want to try and mend their ways.i have an open door for them should they wish to make contact.my dad has passed over now,and i thought that would be the end of the HATRED, but it has esculated,but some good has come my way ,one of my brothers,whom i had not had any contact with for over 36 years,actually rang me and spoke,and then sent me a lovely present for my 6oth last year.of lot of anger still lingers because of our mum.she always played us off against each other,she was like that when my granparents were alive ,she did the same to her in'law's and her own brothers and sister's.i found the love and security i craved for from my mum's youngest sister.she taught me everything i know about my culture,sadly she passed over and now i am alone again.because of the upbringing i had with my parents,continual verbal abuse,beatings ,being hospitalised,i have no forgiveness for either of them.my mum is now a vegtable wheelchair bound,cannot speak,only look at you.i have no sympathy for her condition,i believe in karma, what goes around comes around,i believe she will live for a few more years yet,i also believe this is gods way of punishing her for what she done too all of us when were young.i have forgiven some of my brothers and  as for the others,i can only wish them the pain they inflicted on me,through their lies and deciet when we were young.it is sad that one should go through life like this but to forgive would be like agreeing to everything that happened,i did not like it then,and i sure as heck will not allow this to carry on for my granchildren,who are my treasures.i am raising 2 of them and they treated like royalty, they are never spoken to the way i was spoken too.too say they are spoilt is a lie,they are loved beyond what i recieved.so i guess some us will carry the chip for the rest of our days.it is very hard to forgive someone,for what the teacher taught.(my parents were not very loving people)i only have one daughter and she means the world to me.i have taken in a young girl same age as my daughter and she says,livin' here is really choice,i treat her as my own daughter.she refers to me as nan,which i think is sweet.if everyone else finds forgiveness then , their then could not have been so bad. cheers

 Well done Raven this is an excellent article.

Usually mental and physical scars from abuse are never forgotten but  finding forgiveness is letting go the hurt, pain and anger, which in turn gives you and loved ones around you a better life.

Thanks for sharing.

Cheers Janice

This really had a big impact on me. I am having a lot of trouble with forgiving and not having hatred toward some people who have abused me. It affects my everyday life because I am nervous that everyone else will do the same. The guy I am with now and have been for almost 2 years has never given me any reason whatsoever to believe that he would hurt me but I keep picking at everything he does because I think that if I find it first then I won't get hurt even though I have no reason to think I will be hurt. I am trying everything I have been told to do because it is eating me up to hold on to the hatred but I just don't seem to be able to get past it. Maybe it will just come to me one day, Thanks for the kind words.

I wish I was as forgiving as you are, but....... I'm getting better!  It's a great help for me to say (just to myself) "I forgive you" (& name the wrong doer). I find it gets it out of my mind more quickly than to just stew on it.

I know exactly where you are coming from. Not only did I have issues with my own parents from when I was growing up but then four years ago my daughter who was 6 at the time disclosed that she had been sexually assaulted by my then 16 year old son's best friend, another 16 year old. To make matters worse, all this occurred in our home, which this young man had been visiting, staying overnight etc for a couple of years. I had health problems at the time and so my sons who were 19, 16, 14 at the time would help me by doing housework etc as I was so tired. This young man attended our Church and Youth group, of which I am a Deacon and church Secretary. I also lead worship, so I really needed to attend Church most weeks. The young man had moved away from the area but had resumed regularly attending Church around the time my daughter disclosed. It took the Police/DoCS three months to charge him. as he was an excellent story teller, we chose not to let him know that we knew what had happened. My Pastor and the Church Leadership Team knew what had happened. I gave my kids the option of not attending Church if he was there but they elected to come. It was difficult for everyone but I encouraged the boys and my daughter to consider that something terrible must have happened to him, for him to have done this. The ironic thing is that two weeks before my daughters disclosure, I gave the message in Church on "Forgiving the Unforgiveable"! I believe that this was God's way of preparing me and my family and Church Leadership for the events that would ensue over the next two years while the Court case lingered on. Fortunately he plead guilty to the charges concerning my daughter and she didn't have to testify but as he was charged with another similar matter, sentencing on our case was delayed considerably. Forgiving is not easy but it is the only way that you can move forward!

Thanks for your article on forgiveness.  Yes it is hard to forgive especially when one sees the abuse still going on, but forgiveness releases yourself and your children from being held in a situation.  I look forward to going on with our lives, with my small children, looking ahead and starting anew.  There is always hope. Thank You

Thankyou for all your kind words, it wasn't easy to write, it's a hard concept to write about without going all religious or all wishy washy. There is a book that describes the many meanings of forgiveness. It's called WHATS SO AMAZING ABOUT GRACE? by PHILLIP YANCY. He taught me through his book the importantance of forgiveness and how it makes my life and the life of my family better. It's also comes in a study that challenged me to live or at the very least attempt to live a life of forgiveness. It certainly ain't easy thats for sure.

Cheers Raven

What a lovely article

I had a lot to forgive too, but when I did, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, I can still get angry sometimes, but I no longer hate. The hatred I had was eating away at me, forgiving does not mean giving people another chance to hurt you, its about moving on and leaving the hurt behind

xxx

forgiving is hard but a necessary process so that healing can begin . The biblical meaning certainly is powerful .

it certainly is a choice . when one forgives  one is released from a strong hold that the other holds. playing the victim achieves nothing. in fact it reinforces the damage that has been done and the power is still there from the perpetrator

annie xxx.

This is great. Forgiveness is a hard concept for anyone, so I agree that it must be modeled. I've  had to forgive a few people in my life. There was a time that when I talked about my experience regarding these people, that I would be reduced to tears and feel hurt as if I was in the same situation all over again (when in actually it had been many many years past). Nowadays, I find myself talking about the same experiences without so much as a teary eye. I talk about it without breaking down because it's in the past and could no longer hurt me. I am in a better place in the present and the past is in the past. This doesn't mean that I can face the people involved without anger, or that I would really not face them at all, but I have released the emotions and I am no longer dwelling on them.

Great advice

Thanks for sharing xx

(: I like this a lot. I know just how hard it is to not feel like a prisoner of a situation, or even a person who has done really wrong and hurtful things to me. I like you was sexually abused not once but twice. Once by one of my dad's drug buddies and the second time by my older cousin. I have moved on from it, and now me and my cousin are starting to patch things up. I will never have the same relationship with him again, but atleast we are talking. I think that this great advice and I think I will use it one day when I have children of my own (: