My daughter had a cry about her grandma whom passed away over 1 year ago today. How do I make it easier on her? I asked her if she wanted me to take down the pictures of grandma but she said no. I don't know what else to do. My daughter wanted to keep some of my mom's things such as her housecoat, slippers, a rug and a blanket. I have tried hiding them on her, but she always notices these items are missing. I don't know what brought this cry on. I just found her crying and started asking what's was wrong. She said she misses her. I told her I do too and it was ok to cry about it, but grandma would want us to remember her smiling and all the good times we have had with her. HELP ME!!
A child’s first experience with the death of a friend or a family member is very difficult as they have no comparison to make with previous grief. While the death of a pet may help them initially, the intensity of the loss is quite different. Children’s grief is often underestimated because they cannot easily talk about their feelings, and are often confused even with the concept of death.
Children, like anyone, need to understand that death is about forever and that the person is never coming back. These concepts take time and experience. Children often do not fully understand what the death of a loved one means to them, and as a result talking about death is not always the way that children will learn about these experiences.
Oftentimes, children will grieve through their behaviour, acting out their feelings rather than talking about them. Grief counsellor Alan D. Wolfelt writes, “a child who is feeling confused might get easily upset. A child who is angry about the death might misbehave or pick fights with other kids. Children also mourn through their play. Watch for their feelings to come out in the ways they pretend, relate to other kids, physically move, create artwork, etc.”
It is important for children to remember the person who died in order for them to be able to honour the life that they lived. One of my favourite videos as a child was Sarah, Plain and Tall. The story is set around the turn of the century, where Jacob, a widowed farmer with two small children, places a want ad in a paper for a new wife, The advertisement is answered Sarah, a spinster in Maine who writes letters to them and takes a trip to Jacob's farm to see if she can make a difference. One of the first things she does after she arrives is remove his wife’s belongings from the steamer trunk where he has kept them – a quilt, a picture and some other personal items. Jacob is infuriated that she would do such a thing, feeling that it wasn’t her place to touch his wife’s personal possessions. Sarah reminds him that his children are also grieving the loss of their mother, and need to see her around the house in order to heal.
Never take a child’s memories away in attempt to save them from hurt and pain. It is good for children to continue to look at photos and videotapes of their loved one, and to share stories of their life. It is important for them to hear other people talk about the person who died. Remembering the past is important, as it enables them to hope for the future. They recognize that collecting memories is a way to deal with grief. Helping the grieving child to make a memory book or a memory box, a scrapbook or box filled with photos, art work, poems, thoughts and memories of their loved one, will allow them to have something to look at and think about whenever they like.
A bereaved child should be encouraged to cry. Younger children will naturally cry when they are feeling any physical or emotional pain. However, by the time they are of school age, they have learned that society sees crying as a sign of weakness. It is important to allow children to cry in the presence of a trusted adult whenever they feel the need. Children need the assurance that tears are normal and necessary to heal. Children may also have temporary periods of needing to hold onto their parents or another adult they love and trust for comfort. If a parent has died, they may worry about being abandoned, and need reassurance that they will always be cared for.
Children may appear to have forgotten that their loved one has died, and will laugh or play shortly after the death or the funeral. They haven’t forgotten, they are just being children. They will come back to their feelings and questions over the weeks and months, even years to come. It is important to be caring, loving and understanding of their different ways of coping with grief.
Here are some books that might be helpful for the grieving child:
Boelts, Maribeth & Cheri Bladholm. (2004). Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven: A Book About Grief. Grand Rapids: Zonderkidz/Zondervan Publishing.
Boulden, Jim. (1992). Saying Goodbye. Weaverville: Boulden Publishing.
Buscaglia, Leo. (2002). The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. New Jersey: Slack Incorporated.
Dickerson, Julie & Patricia Brant. (1995). Grandpa's Berries: A Story to Help Children Understand Grief and Loss. New York: Cherubic Press.
Howard, Susie & Karen Carpenter. (1993). Something Happened in My House: A Journey of Children's Grief. Byte Size Graphics.
Mundy, Michaelene & Robert W. Alley. (1998). Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss. Illinois: Abbey Press.
Ryan, Victoria & Robert W. Alley. (2002). When Your Grandparent Dies: A Child's Guide to Good Grief. Illinois: Abbey Press.
Winsch, Jane Loretta & Pamela T. Keating. (1995). After the Funeral. New Jersey: Paulist Press.
Viorst, Judy. (1971). The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. New York: Alladin Publishing.
Vogel, Robin Helene & Caroline Christian. (1994). The Snowman: A Book About Children and Grief. Omaha: Centering Corporation.
(August 2006) (
