“I’m 16 and I want to have a baby – do you think it’s a good idea?”
I’ve seen this question come up a few times, and I thought I’d share my thoughts. This advice is more than just ‘you’re just
a baby yourself – don’t have a baby’. I will treat you, the want-to-be-teenage-mum, as a mature, responsible person who wants the best for her future children, as that’s what I feel you are. (And I mean ‘you’ collectively here, I’m not talking to one person in particular.)
Ok, so ‘you’ are 15 or 16, and you want a baby. You see family friends with babies, or maybe cousins with small children and you are really clucky. You think you would make a great mum, and you can’t wait to get started. I would present you with a scenario – Pick a date, perhaps the day three years from now, or maybe your 20th birthday. A date which is a few years away so that no one can say that you rushed your decision, but that you can still ‘see’ in your plan. (If planning for something three years away is too far away for you to wrap your head around, then I think you know the answer to the question ‘should I bring another life into the world?’)
Decide that on this date, if you still want to and are ready, that you will start trying for a baby. Give yourself full permission to think about having a baby after this date, and preparing for that date. If, when it comes around in three years or so and you still want to have a baby and that think you are ready – great. You will have spent three years preparing, and you will know that you have truly given your child the best start, and you will still be young. If you get to that date and you decide that you don’t want a baby yet (or ever) – then you will know that you made the right choice by waiting. So – how do you prepare over the next three years or so?
Prepare your relationship. If you want to be a great mum, one of the best gifts you can give to your children is a strong relationship with their father. Grow with your boyfriend. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your lives together? Would you want to be together, even if kids weren't a part of the picture? Where does marriage fit in? Talk about lots of 'what ifs' - for example, 'what if a close friend of ours was in a bad car accident - what would we do?' 'Do you think it's a good idea when people do ***** - how else would you deal with that situation?' When you watch TV shows, movies or read blogs etc, talk about them with each other. ‘What do you think about when **** did **** in the movie?’ ‘What would you do if you were in the same situation as *****’. Work out what things you agree on – and what you don’t. How do you sort things out when you don’t agree? Do you listen to each other's opinions, and why they feel that way - or do you just try to convince the other person you're right? How do you deal with conflicts?
Do you have similar ideas about what a family 'should' look like? What do you think a mother/ wife 'should' do? What about what a father/ husband should do? Are your ideas the same as his? How are they different, and how will you sort out these differences?
Over time, watch parenting TV shows with your boyfriend (like SuperNanny or whatever) and talk about what happens. Do you and your boyfriend agree with how the parents on the show dealt with that particular issue? Or how SuperNanny dealt with it?
Prepare yourself for the reality of children - at all ages. The challenges of a newborn are different to those of a toddler, a preschooler, a primary school aged child, a young teenager, a young adult etc. Can you get some babysitting/nanny work after school or on weekends? Have you got any family friends with children who you can visit? How easily can you manage looking after the kids? What about looking after the kids, while doing something else like laundry or making dinner? What about when you are tired, or you’re having a bad day - how do you cope then? What about when the kids are cranky and upset?
Talk to the parents of the kids you are babysitting - what's their advice about raising children? How did they feel in the sleepless haze with having a newborn? How did they cope when their children were sick and they were worried out of their minds? What are their biggest challenges as parents? And yes, what are their biggest joys? Are you someone who can do what needs to be done, even when you are tired, sick, or you don’t feel like it?Read through some of the Q and As and advice on Minti – how do they make you feel? Would you be able to cope if you were in that parent’s situation?
Consider practical things. You know you will need baby things like a cot, nappies, stroller, car seat etc, but what about other things, like do you have a driver’s license? Do you own a car? Do you have somewhere to live with room for the children? Do you own ‘non baby’ furniture and whitegoods like a couch, table, chairs, fridge and a washing machine? Think about how you will deal with the day to day life of babies and older children. How will you get the kids to school and after school activities? What will you do if they are sick and you have to take the day off work? What will you do when your eight-year-old wants a mobile phone because ‘everybody else has one’? What will you do when your six-year-old forgets his lunch at school and you have to go to work and don’t have time to drop it off? What will you do when your 11-year-old’s teacher tells you that she wants to talk to you because she has concerns about your child? What will you do when your two-year-old gets in to a box of your special things like birthday cards and letters and rips them and chews them all up? Or when the two year old gets into your handbag and eats your lipstick, and opens a packet of Panadol – and you don’t know if she’s eaten any tablets or not?
Prepare yourself financially. Firstly – this means your own education and training. What work would you like to do, and what do you need to do to get there? If you want to work in childcare, look up what TAFE options are available to you (many of these can be completed while you are at school). Have a look on a job website at what jobs are available, and how much money you would make.
Make a list of expenses. Some off the top of my head – rent or mortgage payments, car (purchase), car maintence, fuel for car, childcare, food, bathroom items (eg shampoo, tooth paste), cleaning supplies, car insurance, home/ contents insurance, electricity bill, mobile phone bill, home phone bill, internet access, computer and printer purchases, printer ink, furniture, home repairs, council rates (if you own your home), nappies, clothing for your child, clothing for you and your partner, regular medications, doctor’s fees, one-off medications eg cold and flu tablets, antibiotics etc.
I’m not finished yet with the list of things you will need to pay for – birthday present for your child, your boyfriend, your friends and family. Christmas presents. Wedding presents, new baby presents, going away presents, anniversary presents. Holidays New cars. A trip to a theme park for your child, an ice cream at the beach. Toys for your child. School supplies – uniform, proper school shoes, school hat, lunchbox, stationary, excursions. Health insurance, life insurance, income protection insurance. Someone to look after your child when she is too sick to go to child care. Dance lessons, swimming lessons, music lessons. Soccer uniforms, gymnastics leotards, ballet tights, footy boots, cricket bat. School camp, Guides camp, and anything else you can think of.
Have a look at how much these things cost. Ask your parents how much they spend on these things. If there are some things that they don’t know the cost of, look them up, or go to the shop to see. Do some maths, and see how much money you will need to be making each week to cover these costs. Can you make that much money? What will you need to do to make that much?
So what now? If you spend the next three years or so addressing these issues, then you know that you have given your child, your partner and yourself the best possible start on the journey of parenthood. So that’s my advice – set a date, give yourself full permission to daydream about your baby to your heart’s content while you do all these things I suggested to prepare. When that date comes, you and your partner can make your decision. If you decide to have a baby in three years or so - congratulations for being mature, responsible, well prepared young parents. If you decide not to, then you know that waiting was the right thing to do, and you won’t have a toddler running around!
Best of luck on your journey!
(July 19th) (
