Separation and divorce: looking after yourself.

 

Going through a separation and marriage breakdown can be one of the most stressful times in your life.  There are so many things to consider, living situations to organize, emotional distress and fear of the future.  You are no longer

in your comfort zone.  It is essential that you take the time and thought to look after yourself through all of this.  It is well known that stress has a major impact on health and wellbeing- and when you are going through the process of separation and suddenly find yourself a single mother with increased responsibilities, the last thing you need is to be battling illness.

 

Aim to look after all aspects of yourself:

 

Physical-

Exercise is so important.  Yes, it takes time out of your day, but I found that on days where I have a decent walk or a netball game, it help me feel energized enough to see through the rest of the day and deal with the kids and life in general. 

Exercise releases all those feel-good chemicals that will help you to heal those emotional demons.

Exercise also helps to burn off some of that anger in a positive way so that you don’t end up taking it out on your kids and yelling more than you need to.

Walking in the fresh air will help you work though some of the things on your mind while it is getting a good dose of oxygen (through increased circulation via exercise and the actual fresh air itself) and help you to process those thoughts more clearly.

 

Eat well.  Yes, its hard to find the time to put the right things on your plate, especially when you have other mouths to feed, but you are important too.  A healthy diet full of nutritious foods will help prevent you from getting sick and give you the energy to cope with life.  Some people may lose weight at this time (myself included) and you may need to consciously have more calories.  Aim for healthy fats, such as avocado, olive oil etc, rather than junk food.  Others may be prone to emotional eating and fill up on foods that have very little nutritional value.  Gaining weight is going to do nothing for your already faltering self esteem and the poor food choices will make you feel worse physically.

 

Try supplements.  In the first few weeks I decided to take multi-vitamins and berocca to make sure my body had everything it needed to keep going and stay well.

 

Drink enough water.  So easy to forget, but your body depends on water for basic functioning.  Getting enough water during the day will see it work at optimal functioning- just what you need at this time.

 

Avoid the bad stuff.  Don’t depend on caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes to get you through the day-  all unhealthy, all will make you sick and less able to cope with your life.

 

Emotional-

Support systems.  Make sure you have adequate support systems available to you.  A friend or family member to talk to is critical at this time.  A big thankyou goes out to all the Minti members still helping me through my issues!! Express you feelings to appropriate people and do not bottle them up.

 

Understand yourself.  Acknowledge the feelings that you have.  These may be anger, fear, resentment, lack of self worth, depression, low self esteem, betrayal, sadness, grief, loss…the list goes on.  Separation is a very emotional process.  Only once you acknowledge your feelings can you begin to move through them. 

Acknowledge, focus, strategize, then let go!  Make sure you have a plan to release these negative feelings, otherwise they will burden you for a very long time and you will not be able to move on.

 

Psychological-

Spring clean.  Its amazing the impact a good clean out can have on the way you feel.  When I separated I felt the need to clean every room from top to bottom, clean out all his things.  It was not just a physical act or a need to remove his belongings, it was a cleansing of the home of his negative energies and so important to the way I felt about remaining there with the kids.

 

 An unsent letter. write letter containing all the hurt, anger, resentment, betrayal….all those negative feelings.  Tell him everything in this letter that you ever wanted to tell him, or that you have told him and he never listened.  Then burn it.  Watch all those feelings burn away and know that you never need to feel them again.  It’s a very symbolic thing to watch your negative feeling float away as smoke.

 

Boost the self esteem.  I started wearing makeup and nicer clothes.  No, not because I was on the lookout for a new man, hahaha, but because I felt aweful about myself and just the simple act of getting out of my trackiedaks into a skirt and putting on a bit of lippie, made me feel so much better about myself.  Make a conscious effort to use simple ways to boost the self esteem.

 

live life like you want to.  My home is full of music, fun and laughter.  I make a conscious effort to set aside time to relax.  There is no more sound of gunfire and screaming (ex’s favourite x box games) every evening, instead there is candlelight and hot baths.  Remember what you used to enjoy doing.  Start or restart hobbies and interests.  Yes, you have been hurt but you need to make a decision and a conscious effort to make sure that you live better than he does.  Find all the positives to the separation and focus on those.  Don’t dwell and feel sorry for yourself.

 

Journal. I have a journal.  All my demons are hidden in there.  They come out of my head, onto the paper and that is where they stay, until the next incident.

 

Counselling.  If you can’t work through your grief on your own there is no shame in seeking counseling.  I am! Even though I am doing really well considering all, I still want to make sure that I am rid of ALL the emotional baggage, that I quickly move on and that I have acknowledged all my feeling and am honest with myself.

 

I wish you well through your journey to recovery.  It takes effort and time but you will heal, never forget, but you will heal.  Look after yourself- because you ARE important!