Some conflicts can become quite difficult to manage, while others remain simple. This piece of advice is to help parents identify which type of conflict is occurring so you can become confident in managing it. The following categories are broad, however, many conflicts fall in to one of the following:

Pseudoconflict - A pseudoconflict is a conflict that is apparent but not real. It can occur between partners when there is some incompatibility. Commonly, forms of pseudoconflicts can be types of:

• Badgering (harassing someone)
• Light teasing
• Taunting (attempting to aggravate someone or criticize them)
• Mocking (vocally abusive)

Sometimes the aforementioned actions can become a part of a couple's normal interaction - in which case it generally is not troublesome. These actions can leave people feeling hurt and can be destructive. The second form of pseudoconflict occurs when two people are confronted with activities they believe cannot be achieved at the same time.

For example Sam says "Oh great! The Crows are playing tonight in footy! I've gotta watch it!" "Lisa might reply back "What? I thought you said you were going to take me to the movies!"

Tips for resolution:

• Realize when a pseudoconflict is about to take place and quickly de-escalate the situation.
• Sam could choose to video tape the football game
• Lisa could look up later movie times so Sam can watch the game.
• The truth is they can both have what they want if they collaborate.

Fact conflict - A fact conflict is also known sometimes as a "simple conflict." This type of conflict occurs when two people dispute the information they're presented with. The reason why this kind of conflict is called a "simple conflict" is because the accuracy of the information in the dispute can easily become verified with sources.

Tips for resolution:

• Walk away from the conflict and disengage until you have access to sources that can verify the topic.
• Double check dates!

Value conflict - Value conflicts occur when there are disagreements over:

• Our deepest beliefs
• What people believe is good or bad
• Worthwhile or worthless
• Desirable or undesirable
• Moral and immoral
• etc

Tips for resolution:

• Many times value conflicts cannot be resolved
• Agree to disagree
• Respectfully listen to the other person's opinions
• Ask them why they feel attached to their beliefs
• Have a respectful discussion of what needs to take place so both people are happy

Policy conflict - These types of conflicts occur between two people in a relationship. There is a disagreement about what should be the appropriate course of action or planning/behaviour with a perceived problem.

For example Ben comes from a family where he was given plenty of freedom. Celine comes from a family where there was constant supervision and so they have both entered a policy conflict on what their daughter should be allowed to do and how much freedom to give her.

Tips for resolution:

• There is no "right" or "wrong" way to resolve policy conflicts because they are concerned with what "should" be done
• Consider a plan
• Consider a course of action
• Consider each each person's feelings about it all

Ego conflict - Ego conflicts occur when one or all people involved view "winning" the argument more important than maintaining their positive self-image. When people view the conflict as a measure of who they are or how much they know etc ego conflicts will usually occur. In these types of conflicts "winning" the conflict satisfied their needs. The more of an expert you believe yourself to be, the easier it is to become involved in this type of conflict. Sometimes people involved may believe their self-worth is being threatened and so it can turn quite nasty.

Tips for resolution:

• De-escalate the conflict by turning it from a personal level to a content level

For example Bob might say to Sally "Why the hell are you giving me a hard time about this?? We're talking about my brother here, I know him better than you ever could!" Sally can de-escalate this conflict by saying something like "I've only seen your brother 3 times, I know you would know him better than I do. The point I was trying to make is that your brother hasn't returned our lawn mower that he borrowed over 3 months ago."

So next time you find yourself in one of these very common conflicts - Ask yourself "How can I resolve this?" - You choose how to feel and how to respond to every conflict. Big thank you to Blue-Raven who inspired me to write this piece.

Inter-Act: Interpersonal Communications Concepts, Skills, And Contents. 11th ed. Oxford University Press, 2007 p. 287-290