Pushy Preschoolers

I was going through my handouts that I share with parents the other day and found one of my favorites:  Pushy Preschoolers by Vicky Mlyniec (Parents, September 2004).  Why is this one of my favorites?  Because preschool aged children can be particularly challenging for parents.  They

First, it is normal for preschoolers to be sassy and bossy, e.g., pretend fighting during play, bossing friends around, and even name calling.  These assertive acts allow kids to vent negative feelings and get a taste of power, control and independence which they seek at this age.  It is also normal, however, for parents to worry about these behaviors because they are not so pleasant!

Without intervention by parents, playful aggression can turn into more destructive behaviors such as teasing, bullying, threatening, and hitting.  Preschoolers who get used to using physical aggression are as a result more likely to grab or push when a conflict arises.  As parents, we often have a difficult time understanding why they revert to this, but we must keep in mind that while a preschoolers verbal skills are improving quickly, their impulse control is not.

So how do you keep your preschoolers pushy behaviors from becoming problematic?  Here are some tips:

• Let boys be boys.  Most rough housing between preschool aged boys is fine.  Keep a close eye on it, however, as in the potential to get out of control is there.  Talk to your child about the different between playful wrestling and intentional hurting.
• Point out their bad behavior.  Ignoring nasty behavior sends the message that it is OK.  If your child is rude to a friend, explain the consequences of the behavior.  For example, my son was losing a game of baseball with a friend and started getting bossy and nasty.  I called him over and pointed out that if he continued, his friend would likely want to quit and go home.  He then returned to the game with a much improved demeanor because he didn't want his friend to leave.
• Control the triggers.  If you know what causes your child to go off, you can try to to avoid the triggers or better prepare them.  For example, if your know your child is not going to want to leave a playdate, give him a warning that you will be leaving in 10 minutes so he can wrap things up or plan an activity or event following the playdate that you know your child will want to do. 
• Promote problem-solving.  Talk with your child about their responses so they can make better choices next time.  Let's say your daughter has a friend over for a playdate and her friend is playing with a toy that your daughter wants.  Your daughter says something like "you better give me that doll or you can't come to my birthday party."  Talk to your daughter about different ways to ask for a turn.
• Work on emotion control.  Help your child learn the difference between emotions and actions, e.g., it is OK to be mad at your sister, but it is not OK to hit.  Label emotion such as anger, jealousy, etc., so your child can start to identify when he is upset which will make it easier in the end for him to control his impulses.

When can aggressive behaviors become problematic?  Here are some signs that your child might have a more serious problem with aggression:

• If it occurs on a daily basis.
• If it takes place in a variety of different settings, e.g., home, school, daycare, etc.
• If it is directed at a number of different children.
• If it leads to frequent fights with other children.
• If it includes cruelty to animals.

If your child's aggression meets the criteria above, you should discuss your concerns with his teacher and/or his pediatrician to see if a mental health evaluation is necessary.

I hope you found this recap of the article Pushy Preschoolers as helpful as I did when my kids were preschool aged.  Do you have a preschooler?  How do you address the negative behaviors associated with this age group?