I love my chidren dearly as all loving parents do

I believed I would do anything for them

But sometimes I fear I failed mine too

They needed me to "Get them Out"

Instead I

The genes I didn't want them to inherit to start taking root anyway

I have four children, I love them all even though I experience daily pain so terrible and so raw that I have to disconnect myself just to survive the rejection of my oldest son.

The three that are with me are simply awesome, their love and support  leave me humbled at times, its not possible to have three children that love their mother more than my three. Naturally there are several millions of children that love their mother as much as mine love me, but in my eyes I know I could not be loved more.

But along with every golden moment we share, there are those black moments too and last night was a very dark night !!!!!

My youngest, the most insecure of the three, has his own baggage of problems, still young when I left the abusive marriage to his father, he has very deep scars, he spent the whole of his childhood before his diagnosis of ADHD being called Stupid and Clumsy by his father, he also grew up hearing regularly how his dad would take his brothers and sister out but not him because apparently "He was a pain and too hard work!!!" Yes he heard that very sentence over and over.

My youngest also has anger related problems and harming himself issues all linked to his self esteem ADHD related state of mind. When my youngest has a rage, its quite scary!!! In a complete copy of how he saw his father when angry, my son will throw things, punch things, kick things and slam things, I must stress though that he never hurts others when in a rage, he only hurts himself.

Last night he came home from school sad and quiet, another bad day!! Over the next few hours, I saw so many character changes I couldn't keep up. Relief once he got home, Resentment that he had to change from his uniform before being allowed on the Wii, Delight in some great news for him in the post, Pleasure at playing on the Wii, Anger at losing on the Wii, Sulking as he stamped upstairs, Temper as he throws things around, Sullen as he comes down for tea, Sulking again as he is not allowed to sit at computer during meal, Sulking again as he goes back upstairs, Termper as things thrown...........Quiet as he apologises, resentment as he seeks to apportion blame on someone else, More sulking as he heads back upstairs, more temper............................Get the picture???????

The first time my son came down to apologise as I was literally speechless as the apoogy went along the lines of:
"I'm sorry I lost my temper, but its you, you pushed me too far, you wouldn't listen, I was angry............"
II had a bad day at school and just snapped"

Oh No!!!!    Deja Vu !!!!!!!!
Where had he learnt to apologise like that??????
Living in a home of an abuser, this is characteristic abuser apologies!!!!!!
I lost my temper but its all your fault, you push me.........................

Its not my son's fault!!!!!!!!!!!
He is only copying behaviour he was brought up with
Just as our children learn good manners and good habits from home, quite obviously they also pick up the bad things too.

I told him he needed to go upstairs, get ready for bed, if he felt he could apologise properly he could come back down, but if he was still sure he was right, to go to bed and I would come and check on him in a few minutes.

Yet again I spent time wincing downstairs as I heard more doors slamming, more things being thrown and my 15 year old scowling and muttering "What is his problem!!!"

Now, by comparison my 15 year old is the most gentle lad you could ever hope to come across, lets hope it lasts when he turns 16 in a few weeks!!!!!! The worst behaviour I get from him is his habit of mumbling under his breath when in trouble. I spoke to him about this recently and it came to me why he does this, he is a strong independent lad, who will stand up for himself, he has no trouble raising his voice to his brother and his mates but just not me!!  He confirmed my opinion, he talks under his breath to me not out of rudeness but simply because he can't stay silent but can't hurt me either!!!!!!

A few minutes later I heard the whispers of my youngest, saying
"Mum, why does this happen to me?"
I quietly asked him where he had learnt that an apology and passing the buck for your mistake went together.
He didn't say a word, just a look of horror came across his face
I asked him where he had learnt that it was ok to bite your tongue all day at school then come home and be nasty to your family
More Horror!!!!!
The sobs were audible now as he cried and said "But Mum I don't want to be like him!!!!!!!!!"

Thankfully I was able to tell him the good news..............
He is NOTHING like his dad!!!
His dad still won't admit even now that he was ever wrong
I told my son it wasn't his fault he had learnt some bad habits from a bad role model, but he was young enough to change his way of thinking and turn this all around.
I asked him how he would feel if in years to come his wife and children dreaded seeing him come home from work, wondering what mood he would be in, would they get hurt, should they be scared...........My son, immediately said he would hate that!!!

(For the record, I don't agree with bad mouthing my childrens father in front of them, but then again I don't need to either, they saw him warts and all and have no contact with him out of their own choice. They say their dad hates them, I say he just doesn't know how to love. My children know that if they ever wanted to start contact again with him they have my blessing, so No,  I don't run him down, in fact he rarely features in any of our conversations.)

I gave him a huge hug and assured him that it wouldn't happen then because he was a lovely lad who cared for others and respected others, he just had to learn to recognise the early signs of his anger and step away.

So our new technique starts today.............
If I spot early signs or he feels beginnings of anger, either I will go to him or he will go to me and we will find a distraction, either change of scene or if he wants to talk about what is upsetting him.

Be watchful and cautious of the atmosphere you raise your child in because they learn from ALL they see not just the bits you want them to see.!!!!!

Saddest moment of the night...............
My son wanted me to promise I will never die!!!!!!!!!!