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ADVICE RATING

4.17 (Worth a try) from 16 votes (298 Visits)

Avoiding Parental Conflict in front of the Kids

by irateblacksheep

(August 2006) (rank 500+)

My husband and I are going through a rough time right now, and it's not the first rough patch we've experienced, but no matter how angry I get at him, I know that if I express any negative feelings toward him while my kids are awake, they'll pick up on it.

My parents fought a lot when my sisters and I were growing up, and it made me feel really insecure. I want my kids to have a much better childhood than I had, and I know they're smarter than I think they are, even my 8 month old. Right now, I can't look my husband in the eye, but it's not fair to put my beautiful girls in the middle of our grown up conflict. My step-children ARE caught in the middle of my husband's conflict with their mother , which she has made very ugly, and I see the damage it's doing to those kids. When I'm really angry with my husband, I write a letter or an email to express myself without showing any negativity in front of my kids. It doesn't matter how I feel, it's how the kids feel, and I want them to have respect for both of us no matter what happens between us. I've always found writing a therapeutic way to express my feelings, and I recommend it to everyone, especially those with children.

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ADVICE RATING

4.17 (Worth a try) from 16 votes

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	December 2006 \| lightbee

Fighting in front of the kids

I know kids don't like it when they see their parents fighting, but I really believe the more damaging part is if they don't see their parents working things out. It's all well and good not to want your kids to suffer when you're mad at each other, but the other side of the coin is, if they don't see you sorting out your problems and making up, they don't have a role model to learn those skills from.

I guess the biggest challenge is learning to sort through problems and make up in a way that you'd want your kids to copy!!!

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| December 2006 \| Izzy

Fighting in front of the kids

I agree with you. Argument between loved ones is very normal, and I think children can benefit from seeing their parents in a disagreement and work things out. But if the argument is getting heated and the parents are exchanging hateful words and/or becoming violent, these kids of fight is best done behind closed doors.

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	October 2006 \| Jessgore

And if you do...

Try to explain the situation as best you can... Just because you can't see them does not mean they are not there hiding in the shadows or able to hear you from where they might be in the house.

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	4.00 (Good) \| October 2006 \| JadieLady

Arguing in front of kids

Well, someone will probably crucify my hubby and i for this, but we DO argue in front of LIam and make no effort to hide it. Why? BEcause when Bria and I argue and it gets heated we leave eachother aloe and then come back in a few mintues when we have cooled down and explain how we were feeling and talk it out rationally. And that is somethign we want our child/ren to see and learn from. I don't want my child having arguements and screaming at people. i want him to be able to say ok, i said something that didnt explain what i was trying to say and i think you misunderstood what i really meant because of it, and this is the point i was trying to make, and you don't have to agree. I felt frustraed because you couldn't understand what i was trying to say and were cutting me off mid sentance so it made it harder for me to express my thoughts.

well... thats what we want for our children anyway.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| August 2006 \| mommyofWHA

parental conflict

Fighting in front of the kids can be tough, I wasnt raised in a "yelling" family, my parents fought away from me, so it was a shock for me when they got divorced when I was 9. My husband however was raised totally different, in a VERY vocal family, so he finds it dificult not to try to solve conflict by yelling , especially not in front of the kids, but we have noticed that our 5 yr old picks up on that and has gone to the point of asking us not to yell, he is very affected by this, and well it hurts me to see him hurt .. its just not worth the pain for our children for them to see us like that .. so we are trying to change!

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	August 2006 \| rkcrtbrown

Parental Conflict

My husband and i both grew up with parents that scream and yell at each other. My husband and I have tried to make a real effort not to fight in front of the kids. It is not easy!! We are the kind of people that deal with it and its over.

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	August 2006 \| missjoy

arguing when kids in bed

It is great that you are trying not to argue in front of your kids no matter how frustrating it is, just remember that even though the kids can't hear us they are always quick to feel if something is wrong or bothering you. Supernanny(isn't she great) suggests that we each (both partners) write down how we feel then at the end of the day when the kids are in bed we go to a quiet spot (bedroom, lounge room) and tell each other how we are feeling and why. You are NOT there to argue but to talk and come up with a solution/compromise on how to fix it. Take it in turns and try to get out once a fortnight/month get someone to watch the kids so we can spend time with our spouses. Remember all work and no play makes us cranky and bored. (can't remember how that saying goes lol)

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	August 2006 \| samantha

i do my best

when it comes to arguments we do our best to try not to do it in front of the kids, it usually only lasts about 30 seconds anyway lol

but i could never right a letter, that seems very strange to me, that would involve me finding a pen and peice of paper then i'd have to remember what i was shitty about, by the time i would have found a pen i would have forgoten hehe

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| August 2006 \| samantha

i do my best

okey well i'll be serious now, i found if there was something really bugging me, i would wait till hubby was in a good mood, and the kids were in bed, then i would smile, do something funny to make him laugh and tell him i love him then tell him very gently what was bugging me (i wouldn't blame him)and i would alway's make it out in a way that it would benifit him and that has alway's worked, i'm left feeling better cause he has listened to me(and i've got my way hehe) and hubby feels better cause he got a cuddle lol

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	August 2006 \| ollie71

Make a date to go through the things we hate about our partner

I was told by my counsellor to set aside a time where children are not around.

Try to only talk about one problem and solve it not go into your did not do the dishwasher then start you did not put your shoes outside.

Stick with it and no horrible remarks about the other person.

My hubby would need pictures with the letter. He hates reading. But I will give it a go thanks

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| August 2006 \| tinker79

Fighting in front of the kids

Yeah, I agree. Fighting in front of the kids is not a great idea. They pick up on it and if they are old enough feel the same way you do agaisnt the other parent. I am like you I write it all down and let the better half read it, and try to resolve the problem, that way

Been there , done that, I don't want to go there again.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| August 2006 \| mcm

Writing helps me.

It is important that kids don't see their parents fight as they do take it personally.
I find writing down the way I am feeling helps me.

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	August 2006 \| wildrose

Discussion behind close door

I grew up where my parent could fight infront of us. I didn't like it. That's why my husband and I have a great discussion and agreed not to show any fight infront of our children. If we found any conflict we would discuss behing closed door at the time our children already sleep in their bedroom. Or let the grandparent take the kid and we have the discussion. Luckily till today we never have a big fight, we might have a little disagreement but we solved them with cool head.
I did sometime write on my diary when I felt sad, but I'm not a person that like to hold a grudge. So we always solve any problem wisely.

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