This is pretty rude on behalf of the parents.  Why would you need to serve peanuts at a birthday party, anyway?  When I was growing up, we usually just had pizza and cake (or ice cream, or ice cream cake).

those 2 party parents who did make an effort deserve gold stars!  i hope when I am planning the next birthday parties, i can be the same thoughtful mum.

thanks for writing about your situation. unfortunately it is a difficult one. i have a 7 year old son who is anaphylactic to peanuts and am sure that he has been excluded at times due to his allergy. this saddens me a great deal. other times i have stayed the whole time at the party so that he can actually go. some parents are willing to flex a little (not too much in my experience though) and others leave it all up to me to figure out for myself. i don't know what you can do to help society understand that this isn't a criminal offence it is a medical condition which can be life threatening. whenever i host a party it is nut free (of course) but i am also aware that their are other needs there - my brother, his wife and 2 kids are vegetarian and dont' eat anything with geletin in it either, as well as other needs that people have.  so, it is possible to cater for everyone it's just some people can't be bothered - don't worry about those ones but hang on to the ones you find will be open to your situation as they are the keepers. good luck!

My peanut allergic daughter went to her first birthday party, last year. The parents of the b'day boy were fantastic. They did everything possible to make her apart of the celebration. They were happy for my hubby to stay and watch her and even took time to ask him about her life threatening allergy. If only all parents tried to be educated about different conditions.

I have a cousin with Nut allergies and a heap of kids at my kids school are all nut free kids, So we are used to the whole no nut thing at our place. I also babysit on occasions and always ask what children can and cant have. One of my closest friends daughters can not have OJ, makes her very ill. My son can not have things with certian preservitives etc.

I do feel sorry that your son has had to miss out on birthdays from lack of caring parents.

When doing a birthday I normally make my own food so it is all nut free.

I can understand what you are going thru but my problem is with family. i have offered to make food and take it there tol make it easier for them and be told that it is ok they have checked everyhting and made sure it was all safe for him to turn up and there is nothing he can eat and then be asked if they can make a peanut butter sandwich for a child at the party because that is all he eats. Then i end up being the worst person in the world and told i am over reacting and too over protective because we leave.

It must be very frustrating for you, and it is sad that you have found some people less than caring... It always shocks me that some people offer my son food without asking me first - I would never offer another persons child (or pet for that matter) food of any sort without checking that it was ok.  It doesn't take a lot to accommodate a child with allergies, and it is a good education for the kids who don't have them to eat differently for a change at a party etc. 

i have to agree with you my oldest is alergic to alot of diary stuff and i have to watch her . but i rememeber on my 18 th i had a girl that was a diffrent race and didnt eat meat so my mum catered for her aswell but she wasnt gratefully still very rude to my mum

love belxxx

This is a really good article and I hadnt actually thought of asking parents if their children had allergies -especially peanut ones. But in saying that I have always tried to have party food that would be suitable for everyone. I think having kids going to school and not being able to have peanut butter/hazelnut spread sandwiches and any nut products in their lunchboxes has contributed to that, making me more aware.  

When we start the party rollercoaster, I will be putting on the invites to advise me of any allergies or nutritional requirements the attendees may have so that I can cater for them.

I think the way you were treated was actually quite rude, and your son was probably looking forward to going too, which makes it even worse.

I can't believe it!  When my son had his birthday party, we had nut free and egg free food as his cousin is anaphylactic, but we also had food for his vegetarian friend and for his friend with coeliacs.  Hard work, but worth it for ALL the kids being able to enjoy themselves.  Largely we stuck to fresh fruit and veges with home made dips, but I also bought things with safe ingredients for cake etc....  I went to a birthday recently with a nut free, egg free and soy free cake - to cover all the allergies.  The parents really appreciated it.

One friend I know takes her son to the party, providing the parents have no nut based foods and she advises them she will bring her own snacks and cakes for her son.  But even then she has found things like chocolates in the pass the parcel etc....  because people don't understand it is a risk.

I can't believe you would just accept that the person can't come - must make you so mad!

Anyone that has a child with a nut reaction will have a epi pen in their possesion at all times. How many people know how to use these pens, how many people know that if the pen is used on a child that is not having a reaction you can send them into a cardiac arrest, if the child is having a reaction when do you give it and how long do you hold the pen in place. Many people don't know the procedure, and if you don't know , don't have the child over or have the parent attend the party to take the liability off the home owner. Epinepherine is the same drug paramedics give cardiac arrest patients to help set the heart back to a normal beat or to assist with defib. If 1mg of epi can send you into a tachacardic beat, a epi pen can kill a child if not used correctly. Take this into consideration and have the parents attend the party just in case something does happen and the pen has to be used, if you dont know how to use the pen you can cause more harm than good. 

I wonder if you can get a minti badge for scolding a grown woman so viciously?

Listen, I was simply trying to share my thoughts from the non-allergy side of the coin... that's my perspective.  Reading my comment again, I can see now that it can come across a bit abrasive; which I truly regret.  It wasn't my intention.  I have never fully considered this before, so as I said, I am greatful that it is brought to our attention because obviously it is a more prevalent issue in the world today and we need to be educated.

Tell me, do you think you are doing a good job of educating us by your explosive, immature and  abusive reprisal?  You are forgetting that not everyone knows first-hand what it is like to deal with allergies, and therefore will not likely please you with any comment other than one that validates your cause and pats you on the back supportively.  Are you so insecure in your conviction that you can't handle a little opposition?  I'm just learning about this and trying to add my thoughts to an open discussion... isn't that what this is?  If I am in the "Validate Tammy Forum", let me know - I'm in the wrong place!

If you want compliance (but not compassion?!) for your son's allergy, you should at least be willing to try and see things from the other side.  Consider what you are asking of people (short from reading your mind) and clarify what peanut-free means to your family because obviously allergies have a range of varying degrees.  To me a peanut-free home suggests that I not only avoid the obvious foods, but that if I tread on a candy wrapper that has traces of nuts on it and then accidentally tread it on my carpet, I could essentially be putting someone in mortal danger! Think this sounds dramatic?  Well maybe that's why I'd be reluctant to have someone with a severe allergy in my home.  We are told by the media that allergies are a edemic to fear, yet told by parents to treat their children like any other (except for all the precautionary measures of course).  Think this sounds confusing?  Me too!

On the topic of my home though, I did give myself a terrible representation because in fact; I do ask about allergies (and dislikes) when having people over for the first time.  I haven't encountered any allergies yet (only a few accomodated vegetarians) so I can say that I would do my best to provide a meal according to my guests "strengths and weaknesses".  If that means going to a reastaurant instead, well, we could do that too.

As for your emotional dissection of my previous comment, I see that I did contradict myself somewhat - as anyone might do if they are only newly considering the implications of any given subject.  Please cut me some slack - I never said I was an authority on the issue, only someone from from a non-allergy prespective.  As for decontaminating my home for a friend-of-a-friend or someone that I don't regularily see - no, I wouldn't do that.  Any considerate person would not expect that I do.  If we became close friends with someone with allergies who came over often, I would absolutley make changes.  If your child was allergic to dogs, would you expect the parents to put their pets in a kennel and disinfect their homes?  Seems to me that you would consider it a terrible injustice suffered by your family if they didn't comply. 

I do stand by my sentiments regarding the dissatvantages put on other children at school, as I believe that those with allergies need to learn to live in a world that will prevoke them detrimentally.  Obviously that includes myself or my children should one of us develop an allergy.  I trust that those children and their parents know how to best handle those situations as well as the school board.  I think that the key to all of this is in education and compromise.

I will sympathize with your son because it must be difficult for him.  I never suggested that his condition was criminal nor have I likened him to a leper.  Further, I don't think he (or anyone else) should feel like an alien, but do you realise that your approach to lecturing us alienates him even further?  Perhaps a more positive education from you would help us to understand that inclusion in our schools and homes is possible, and not all that difficult.  Try more facts and less emotionally driven angst, and I'm sure you will be recieved much more graciously.

And yes, if my child develops allergies, I'm gonna send them packing!  For pete's sake, are you serious?!  What a ludicrous suggestion.  Grow up!

I think that your advice will make us think about this more.  As allergies are much more common with the younger generations, most of us probably don't realise the extent of the problem (and are not just knowingly inconsiderate).

In my sister's kindie class this year will be a boy who is severley allergic to peanuts.  My sister has to alter her cirriculum and omit quite a few of her regular feild-trips and activities because of his allergy... not only that, but the kids in her class (both am & pm) will have to be peanut free so that he dosen't come into contact.  Now, I truly empathise with this child and his parents; but I would never invite him to my house.  The liability is too great; and I cannot create a 100% peanut free home.  What about the class who is now unable to do all of the wonderful field-trips?  If my child was in that class, I'd be furious.  One child's allergies should not put 30 kids out of those enriching experiences. 

If my children became best friends with a child with severe allergies, I would absolutley try my best to ensure their safety in my home; but not without the constant worry about having to administer an eppi-pen (sp?) and taking a trip to the ER!

So I suppose it all comes down to the severity of the allergy?  With your son, it sounds managable; and I hope that whenever possible, people are gracious and accomodating.  The poor little guy having to miss birthday parties is awful!

Quite often we had played with a girl across the road.  I would simply say to her mum look I have nothing ot offer when you come over would you mind bringing something.

As a parent of a child with a food allergy it would not be an issue to bring your own. 

When I could I would provided gluten free biscuits as these are inexpensive. 

I  even had a go at making a cake for her daughter once.  So if they are true friends they would at least meet you half way.

My son is active and I always am carefull the amount of sugar he eats.  People offer him cordial or soft drink and I say thanks but he can have water.  As a parent we have to be active in our children diet until they are capable to speak for themselves.

O

People can be so inconsiderate. One of my daughter's friends is a celiac. Her mother was having a similar problem. She decided to take a different approach. When she accepted an invitation she would say that her daughter would LOVE to come but she would have to provide food for her. She found that most parents would provide some wheat and gluten free food, but the mother of this girl would always bring the party food for her daughter,including a mini birthday cake. She found that over the years parents have addapted the food the serve at parties. The mother is still very careful though.

I know that peanut allergies are a little more serious, but maybe by taking this approach, it will be easier for you to spread the message within your community. Most people, when they hear peanut allergies, become frightened at the possible outcomes if a mistake is made. This way, your boy can go to the parties he wants to, and you can relax knowing he will be safe. My daughter's friends mother has found that over the years, there has been a shift in the way parents and the kids think. Even the kids will tell this particular girl if the snack they have is suitable for sharing or not. Keep up the good work Tammy!

I haven't yet come across this situation as none of my family are allergic, nor any friends. We have a vegan, lactose intollerant friend who came to stay and I must confess I had to do a whole heap of brain scratching to think of what to buy for breakfast.

What would be really helpful, if it is easy, would be an article with ideas of what food could be done for a peanut allergy party.  Obviously peanut butter is out, but I know lots of food over here (uk) is slapped with the "traces of peanut" label to cover the manufacturer's backs rather than the possibility that there is actually a risk of nut contamination. Are there particular brands or foods that are suitable? Anything you can suggets might be really helpful and make parents think twice, especially if you can direct us on what to buy now - saves some panicking nearer the time!

That is awful for you and your son.  I am always the first to ask anyone new who is coming to our house if they are have an allergies or if there is anything they just don't eat.  There is no point taking the time to prepare something that will go to waste.

I am not sure but this could also come from my best friend whoes husband is gravely allergic so it is always on my mind.

Good advice all parents should be aware of things like this and make allowances for them.