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For some reason people don’t like to invite peanut allergy kids to their children’s birthday party… |
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by Tammy13  (August 2006) (rank 87th) |
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I have no choice but to start this advice with a question: how much do parents really care if the child that was invited to their child’s birthday party – would come?
Here’s how it goes: I get the invitation. I call back to the RSVP no provided. On the other side answers the mother (I never got a father to talk to…) who invited. “…Thank you so much for inviting Gilad (my son)” I say, “ we would love to come, but there’s a small problem - Gilad has peanut allergy and that’s a bit of a problem with the food, you’re going to have in your daughter/son’s party.” I pause, waiting for a reply.
It takes some time and then the mother says, “oh, that’s too bad! That must be really difficult on you!” I answer, “no not really, we got used to buy foods that have no peanuts traces, and they cost the same, so it’s really nothing to worry about”. I pause, waiting for an answer… “Oh” says the mother “my son/daughter would be so much disappointed! They wanted so much Gilad to come to their party! That’s too bad! Well thanks any way for calling back to me!”
So I’ll ask again - do parents really care if the child that was invited to their child’s birthday party – would come?
My son, Gilad, is 4 years old. Up until now he was invited to 6 birthday parties. 4 he couldn’t go to. Why? Because he’s got peanut allergy. The other 2 we went to, were peanuts and peanuts traces free. Why? Not because the birthday kids have allergy as well. Oh no. The reason we could go is because the parents of these kids said to me – well can you advice me what to buy so Gilad can come? One of them even asked me to go shopping with her for the party, because I have more experience in reading the “small label” of allergy warnings.
I’m writing this after reading Educational Birthday Parties For All The Family written by a Minti member. In her article, one of the things I liked most was the following: “One of the best pieces of advice that I ever received when I was planning one of my children’s parties, was to take time to speak to the parents of each of the invitees in order to identify their child’s strengths and weaknesses…. Whether you are hosting the party yourself or using a venue where food is provided, find out in advance whether any of the children who have been invited have any specific allergies. The worst thing that could happen would be to have peanut butter sandwiches if one of the children had a severe nut allergy.”
For the first time – I saw that there are people that care. And for that I’m thankful. Unfortunately, in my experience – they are few. And as time goes by, it sometimes feels like a peanut allergy (or any other allergy for that matter) is like being a leper.
Let me ask you another question – suppose that your favourite family member or your best friend is coming over to dinner at your place. And suppose that they ring you and say: “listen, I’ve just been at the Dr, and I was told I can’t eat sprouts any more because it is really bad for my stomach. You know how much I love sprouts, but I just have to stop eating that. And I know how much your family love sprouts – so I just can’t come to have dinner with you.” Would you say, “oh, that’s too bad… bye” or would you say “well, no worries – we’ll just cook something else tonight! That’s no big deal!”
Peanut allergy, or any other allergy, is not a crime. It can be controlled. And you can LIVE with it happily – unless other people make you sad about it.
Please – when you invite children to your child’s party – be considerate about the “child’s strengths and weaknesses” – other wise don’t invite. I know this whole advice sounds somewhat demanding, somewhat accusing – well, it is. Maybe because we’ve been treated like criminals due to the peanut allergy. And we haven’t done anything wrong.
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4.20 (Worth a try) from 30 votes |
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Ouch! The fury of a parent...
I wonder if you can get a minti badge for scolding a grown woman so viciously?
Listen, I was simply trying to share my thoughts from the non-allergy side of the coin... that's my perspective. Reading my comment again, I can see now that it can come across a bit abrasive; which I truly regret. It wasn't my intention. I have never fully considered this before, so as I said, I am greatful that it is brought to our attention because obviously it is a more prevalent issue in the world today and we need to be educated.
Tell me, do you think you are doing a good job of educating us by your explosive, immature and abusive reprisal? You are forgetting that not everyone knows first-hand what it is like to deal with allergies, and therefore will not likely please you with any comment other than one that validates your cause and pats you on the back supportively. Are you so insecure in your conviction that you can't handle a little opposition? I'm just learning about this and trying to add my thoughts to an open discussion... isn't that what this is? If I am in the "Validate Tammy Forum", let me know - I'm in the wrong place!
If you want compliance (but not compassion?!) for your son's allergy, you should at least be willing to try and see things from the other side. Consider what you are asking of people (short from reading your mind) and clarify what peanut-free means to your family because obviously allergies have a range of varying degrees. To me a peanut-free home suggests that I not only avoid the obvious foods, but that if I tread on a candy wrapper that has traces of nuts on it and then accidentally tread it on my carpet, I could essentially be putting someone in mortal danger! Think this sounds dramatic? Well maybe that's why I'd be reluctant to have someone with a severe allergy in my home. We are told by the media that allergies are a edemic to fear, yet told by parents to treat their children like any other (except for all the precautionary measures of course). Think this sounds confusing? Me too!
On the topic of my home though, I did give myself a terrible representation because in fact; I do ask about allergies (and dislikes) when having people over for the first time. I haven't encountered any allergies yet (only a few accomodated vegetarians) so I can say that I would do my best to provide a meal according to my guests "strengths and weaknesses". If that means going to a reastaurant instead, well, we could do that too.
As for your emotional dissection of my previous comment, I see that I did contradict myself somewhat - as anyone might do if they are only newly considering the implications of any given subject. Please cut me some slack - I never said I was an authority on the issue, only someone from from a non-allergy prespective. As for decontaminating my home for a friend-of-a-friend or someone that I don't regularily see - no, I wouldn't do that. Any considerate person would not expect that I do. If we became close friends with someone with allergies who came over often, I would absolutley make changes. If your child was allergic to dogs, would you expect the parents to put their pets in a kennel and disinfect their homes? Seems to me that you would consider it a terrible injustice suffered by your family if they didn't comply.
I do stand by my sentiments regarding the dissatvantages put on other children at school, as I believe that those with allergies need to learn to live in a world that will prevoke them detrimentally. Obviously that includes myself or my children should one of us develop an allergy. I trust that those children and their parents know how to best handle those situations as well as the school board. I think that the key to all of this is in education and compromise.
I will sympathize with your son because it must be difficult for him. I never suggested that his condition was criminal nor have I likened him to a leper. Further, I don't think he (or anyone else) should feel like an alien, but do you realise that your approach to lecturing us alienates him even further? Perhaps a more positive education from you would help us to understand that inclusion in our schools and homes is possible, and not all that difficult. Try more facts and less emotionally driven angst, and I'm sure you will be recieved much more graciously.
And yes, if my child develops allergies, I'm gonna send them packing! For pete's sake, are you serious?! What a ludicrous suggestion. Grow up!
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Ouch! The fury of a parent...But of course!
Lets do – again – some order in your comments, because you, again – continue contradict yourself:
You wrote: Reading my comment again, I can see now that it can come across a bit abrasive; which I truly regret. It wasn't my intention. I have never fully considered this before, so as I said, I am greatful that it is brought to our attention because obviously it is a more prevalent issue in the world today and we need to be educated.
Thank you. I could have said: “I appreciate your regret and the fact that realized certain things and so on”. BUT – you didn’t really regret and understood because you went on:
Tell me, do you think you are doing a good job of educating us by your explosive, immature and abusive reprisal?
So you don’t really regret and you’re abusing me. You’re actually attacking me.
You also wrote: “…Well maybe that's why I'd be reluctant to have someone with a severe allergy in my home.” And then you wrote: “ I do ask about allergies (and dislikes) when having people over for the first time. I haven't encountered any allergies yet…” – so what you’re saying is that you are asking people, but up until now no one that came to your home had allergies. And on the same breath you’re saying that you’d be reluctant to have someone with allergies at your home. So – again, if and when that time will come, and you’ll make friends with someone that has allergies – would you say to them: don’t come to my home? Or if your child will develop allergy – would you say to him or her – get out of my home?
You wrote: “you should at least be willing to try and see things from the other side.”.
Well I have. And that’s why I have written that article ( For some reason people don’t like to invite peanut allergy kids to their children’s birthday party… ) and the second one ( Preparing a birthday party that include peanut allergy children (or any other food allergy/sensitivity children). I have tried to understand why people don’t invite us to birthday parties, and since I can't – I wrote what I wrote. Because I still can’t understand why someone with peanuts allergy (or any other allergy), cannot have social life. It is not contagious.
You wrote: “ As for decontaminating my home for a friend-of-a-friend or someone that I don't regularily see - no, I wouldn't do that.”
So, again, what you’re saying is that if your child comes to you and say he/she would like to have their best friend over but that this friend have peanut allergy – you would say no, because your child’s friend is actually not your friend. Right? So you’re raising your children to be, in a way, racist. You’re raising your children to choose their friends by their health issues. I’m sure you’re aware of the saying “… regardless to skin color, sex and religious”. Maybe we should expand this saying and from now on say: “…regardless to their skin color, sex, religious and… allergies”.
And by the way – I do not expect any one to decontaminate their home when we come. I have a very good friend that her children (ages 12 and 4) LOVE peanut butter. But when we come she “decontaminate” her home like that: all the peanut/nut foods are placed on the top shelves, and she wipes the chairs and table incase her son stained them with peanut-butter sticky fingers. Oh yes, and of course she makes sure the food she makes us is peanuts free. And let me tell you something – she doesn’t call her shrink after every visit of us to complain how hard it is and her kids don’t throw themselves on the floor for not being able to have peanut butter.
You wrote: “… as I believe that those with allergies need to learn to live in a world that will prevoke them detrimentally.”
I must tell you – I didn’t really understand the English in that sentence of yours and I asked a friend of mine (who has a MUCH BETTER knowledge in English than me) and she didn’t really understand you also. We did, however, came to the conclusion that you were trying to say that those with allergies should get used to live in this world. Well – If that’s what you meant (and forgive me if WE misunderstood you), then – THEY DO. People with allergies ARE learning to live in a world that the majority (so far) have no allergies. And they are doing fine… up until the point were they meat people that have no tolerance, understanding and acceptance towards them.
And then you wrote, “I think that the key to all of this is in education and compromise.”. REALLY? Wow! I’m so happy to hear you say that! So – will you compromise – I.E. let an allergy person come to your home even if he/she is not your friend? Or by using the word compromising you actually mean that THEY (the allergic people) should compromise and not have a fully normal social life?
You wrote: “ I will sympathize with your son because it must be difficult for him.”. I have a question to ask you: lets say your child asks you for ice cream just before dinnertime. You say “no” because dinner is coming soon. Do you realize this is VERY DIFFICULT for your child, to hear the “no” and not getting that ice cream?
It is difficult for every child not having the food at the time he/she wants it. So peanut-allergy or no peanut allergy – every child goes through this ordeal. What IS DIFFICULT for my son, being a 4-year-old, is having to see other people eat in front of him something he can’t have, especially when it’s something that looks sooooo good like a birthday cake. That makes him feel like an alien. And it’s not because he is. It’s because other people treat him as such. So no – I will not take my 4 yo to a birthday party that is not peanut free, not just because of the risk, but also because of his age – he will find it DIFFICULT to accept the world he lives in, and he will cry. And I will fully support his “decision” to cry. Because he is 4 years old. Let me refer you to something a Minti member ( MumtobeKim) wrote in my second article “ My brother had food allergies as a child (but fortunately not the life threatening ones). For one party he went to the mother made normal food and allergy free food that looked like the real thing. She showed him which plates he could eat from and which he couldn't. then later they caught my brother eating the 'normal stuff' because he didn't want to be different.”
That’s exactly what I’m talking about – making allergy kids feel like aliens. THEY ARE KIDS! They are not adults who understand if I’ll eat a mouthful of peanut cake in front of them, and they can’t. Kids are not mature like adults and cannot be expected to be. So why do the adults behave like children sometime? Why do some adults don’t grow up and?
You wrote: “I wonder if you can get a Minti badge for scolding a grown woman so viciously?”
1. Grown woman? Ammmm…
2. Minti badge? I’m not a child. I’m not looking for a reward. That’s not why I’m here. And I really don’t think I need to explain why I’m here. Grown-up people will understand by themselves.
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Ouch! The fury of a parent... just one more thing:
Well Tammy, I think that maybe a more than a few words are getting mixed up, and we are clearly not agreeing. That's ok. I am learning, and I'm am always open to discussion... but you never actually answered any of my questions. So this is not a discussion, but a cat fight, and I've got more constructive things to do.
We are not communicating very well, so I'm not going to follow up on this anymore. But I will tell you what I have learned:
1. That allergies need alot more attention; and I'm going to continue to increase my knowledge and awarness.
2. To be more sensitive when discussing issues, especially through written word, because it's imposssible to convey thoughts without being misunderstood (and misquoted).
I'm over it, man. No cheap jabs, no character assumptions and no spitefull words.
I still think that a softer approach to teaching others would be a positive move on your part; but that's just my opinion.
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Ouch! The fury of a parent... just one more thing:
I think you have taken the best course of action. Happening upon this thread was indeed a sad indication of some people's hostility, and inability to form reasonable arguement and debate. It seems that you disagreed with Tammy's opinion (which is highly emotional to begin with, and overly self-gracious,) and as a result of this, she delved into line after line of attack, and attempted analysis on your writings. This kind of arguement is clearly not sound, nor evident of any education - if two people can't have differing opinions without the sort of retaliation she inflicted, then it is best as you say to be the better person, and back down. After all, a 'cat-fight' isn't why we come to Minti, especially against a cat who only fights with claws, and not feline intellectual prowess.
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Ouch! The fury of a parent... just one more thing:
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unfortunatly not all people think like that and especially some of our family members have shown us in the past their "narrow mind"about this issue (we didn't go to my brother-in-law wedding because the menu was NOT nut-free.
