Cosleeping FAQs  

What exactly is cosleeping? Cosleeping is called many things to many people, and exists in many forms. Basically it is the practise of parents and children sleeping near each other. Many terms are used as well as cosleeping – sleep sharing, bed sharing,

having a family bed and many others. If you are reading an article about cosleeping, it is a good idea to get an understanding of exactly what they are talking about, as there are many variations. In this article I will consider cosleeping in a very general sense. Examples include having one or more child/ren in bed with parents all the time, having a baby/ child in a bassinet or cot next to the parents’ bed, a child sleeping on a mattress on the floor next to mum’s bed, a mother and baby napping on the parents’ bed, kids coming into parent’s bed for a snooze and a sleep in and many other situations. Some families even cosleep in summer just because they have air conditioning in one room only!  

What are the advantages of cosleeping? There are many advantages to cosleeping – having your little one close all night, being able to breastfeed without getting out of bed, little ones will often settle better when cosleeping, being able to check on your baby without getting out of bed, having close time with older children when a new baby arrives, reconnecting with your baby after you have been at work all day, enabling Mum to have a nap during the day while baby naps and/ or feeds, comforting a sick child, waking up next to the people you love most in the world and many more. Cosleeping is widely considered beneficial to establishing and continuing breastfeeding. A cosleeping mother generally wakes more often than a non-cosleeping one, but she usually resettles more quickly.    

What are the disadvantages of cosleeping? Cosleeping isn’t always a bed of roses (no pun intended). Issues can include concerns about safety, space, sleep habits and intimacy. ‘Trivial’ issues such as bedwetting and waking up with a teddy/ dummy/ rusk stuck in your back don’t always seem very trivial at 3am, either. Generally parents sleep less soundly when cosleeping (although they usually resettle faster), and sometimes it means that both parents are up with a crying child, rather than one.  

Is cosleeping safe? This is one of the biggest questions that people ask about cosleeping, or the most common reason cited for why one chose not to cosleep. Cosleeping is like travelling - it can be safer or more dangerous, depending on how you do it. In the same way that seatbelts, car seats, road rules and careful driving keeps your kids safer in the car, there are similar things that you can do to make cosleeping safer.

When cosleeping with an infant or an older child

-          Make sure that the baby/ child can’t fall out (see below)

-          Never bed share when under the influence of sedating medication (over the counter, prescription or other), alcohol or illicit drugs or if you are so exhausted that you couldn’t respond to your child

-          Do not cosleep on a couch, recliner, water bed or anything other than a flat, firm mattress or the floor.

Extra precautions when cosleeping with an infant

-          Consider a separate sleep surface (eg bassinet, cot (side car or separate), mini bed, cosleeper) for the infant

-          Ensure the infant is always placed on his/ her back to sleep

-          Do not wrap the infant if bed sharing

-          Do not use doonas or other soft bedding

-          Keep pillows well away from the infant or don’t use pillows at all

-          Don’t use pillows, rolled up doonas, bean bags or other soft items as makeshift bedrails.

-          Ensure that the infant cannot get trapped. Place the bed away from walls, ensure that there is not room for the child to get stuck between the mattress and the bed frame, make sure that any slats on the bed head are no wider than 4cm apart and that there are no decorative cut-outs etc.

-          Do not let an older child bed share directly with an infant

-          An infant should not bed share with an unrelated adult

Many people consider the dangers of cosleeping, but not they ways in which it is safer for your child. There is much anecdotal evidence where a cosleeping parent has woken to a child who isn’t breathing as they could hear them in their sleep. Indeed, in many cultures the practise of putting a bay to sleep in his/ her own cot in a separate room is considered almost barbaric.

Perhaps most importantly – planned, safe cosleeping is much, much safer than collapsing exhausted into your doona covered, pillow laden bed with your crying baby at 2am with no safety rails and a stylish decorative headboard which your baby could get trapped in. Planned, safe cosleeping is much safer than accidentally falling asleep on the couch with your infant in your arms.

When you hear a news story saying that someone smothered her baby by cosleeping, I urge you to look at the facts of that particular case. Were they cosleeping safely? Also remember, that sometimes awful things happen and babies die while cosleeping – but the same thing happens to babies in cots, too. It’s awful when it happens regardless of the circumstances, so I urge you to make your sleeping arrangements as safe as you can, and for many families that is planned, safe cosleeping.  

Will my child ever learn to sleep on his/her own if we cosleep? This would have to be the second biggest objection to cosleeping – ‘if you let the kids in bed with you, then you’ll never get them out; they have to learn to sleep on their own’. I’ve never really believed this. To me, that is like saying ‘if you let your baby use nappies, then he’ll never learn to use the toilet’. Many babies, children and adults have a need for closeness, and cosleeping is a great way to meet this need. Many children will cosleep for a period of a few months or a few years, and then will go to their own bed happily after this. Some will want to cosleep just sometimes, only when sick, or maybe only for part of the night. Some children may want to cosleep to reconnect with Mum when she goes back to work during the day – or maybe Mum wants to reconnect with the child. Often when children are given the comfort and the security they need, then they will grow out of this need in their own time, and be more confident for it. You may find that the ‘rod for your back’ becomes your child’s pillar of strength. That said, the decision to cosleep or not to cosleep involves everyone in the bed, not just your child. You and/ or your partner and/ or other children may find that cosleeping doesn’t meet your needs any more, and that’s ok. See the ‘what about me?’ below for more ideas.  

Will my child fall out of bed? The short answer is that, if you have prepared for it, no. There are many options for preventing falls; what suits you will depend on the age of your child/ren, how much space you have, what equipment you plan to buy and how often you cosleep.

Some options include

-          A bedrail just on Mum’s side, with baby on the edge, Mum in the middle and Dad on the other side

-          Removing the bed frame and putting the mattress(es) on the floor

-          Removing the drop side from a regular cot and setting it up as a ‘side car’

What you do for naps or when your baby goes to sleep before you may also be different to what you do when you are in bed. For example, your baby may nap in her standard cot during the day, and then be in Mum’s bed with the bedrail at night. Your baby may start the night in his cot, and then come into your bed during the night. You might only cosleep for day naps with your child on a mattress on the floor so that you get to have a rest too.  

How will there be enough space for everyone? Cosleeping does not have to mean the whole family in bed the whole night all the time. To make more space, you might add a side car cot, have a mattress on the floor next to the bed for an older child, or place several mattresses on the floor as a huge family bed. I knew a family once who had a long, skinny bedroom and they purchases two identical double beds and have them next to each other, so there was room for Mum, Dad, the three year old twins and their newborn baby. If you only cosleep every now and again, or only for some of the night, you might find that your family plays ‘musical beds’. Perhaps your child comes in to your bed, takes up all the room, so then one parent goes and sleeps in his bed. This might not suit everyone, but if it works for your family for a bit, then so be it. It’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you – if you’re happy to do it, then don’t let others tell you what you ‘should’ be doing. Sometimes siblings will want to be close to each other, and not necessarily close to a parent. If two older children (not babies) want to bed share for a while in their beds instead of Mum’s, then that’s great. Some parents actually purchase a double bed for siblings, particularly for twins – this can save on space and money too.  

What about intimacy between my partner and me? This is a very real and legitimate concern. Firstly, not all cosleeping may affect intimate relations. For example, if a mother naps and breastfeeds her baby during the day or if a child comes into her parents’ bed during the early hours. Secondly, remember that you aren’t necessarily restricted to in bed at night time. I once saw a tshirt which said ‘cosleepers do it in the kitchen’. Also remember that just having a young family – night wakings, busy at work, changes to body with pregnancy and breastfeeding, running around after toddlers, life in general – can have an dampening effect on the mood, regardless of if you cosleep or not.  

But what about me? Remember that whatever you do, the decision to cosleep or not involves everyone in the family - including you and your partner. It is certainly reasonable for you to put restrictions or limits on how you ‘do’ cosleeping. You may insist that an older child sleeps on a mattress next to your bed rather than in it, or perhaps your child is only allowed in your bed when your partner is away on a business trip. Maybe the kids are only welcome to join you on the weekends, or after the sun is up in the morning. The needs, desires and circumstances of everyone in the family change over time, and it’s important that you are in tune with that and adjust your arrangements as you see best.  

What about my special circumstances? There are many different issues and solutions out there - families and children are very diverse. If there are special circumstances in your family, I urge you to think outside the box and see if you can make something work. Remember, it’s only a problem if it’s a problem, and if it works, go with it!  

Are you saying that everyone should cosleep? Not at all. Some families won’t be able to cosleep safely (especially if one parent is on medication). Some parents won’t like to chane their sleep habits. Some will value the security of consistently being in the same bed over the security of being close. Some families just don’t want to – and that’s ok. Cosleeping can help with many problems, but it certainly isn’t a magic wand to fix all issues for all families. It can be a very useful tool in the tool box though – even if you decide not to, it’s good to consider if it might help you family.

Sweet dreams everyone!