Hi MumtobeKim,

It's great that you are aware of the effect guilt can have and the damage it can do.

Better than "hoping" you won't do the guilt trip thing on your child - DECIDE not to do it. Since you are aware of it, you should get a warning feeling when you start, and your responsibility will be to pay attention to that warning feeling, and make a swift U-turn in the middle of the trip

You can also start noticing if you use it on other people in the meantime. People who were dragged on a lot of guilt trips as children, tend to use it on others when they become adults - it's perfectly natural - as I said, children learn how to handle situations and other people by watching and copying their parents. So seasoned guilt travellers will have unconciously learned to use guilt in the same way the adult/s in their lives did. But being aware of it gives you the control and the opportunity to correct it.

You know you're taking your child on a guilt trip when:

* you are trying to make them feel sorry for you (regardless of the reason)

* you make them, or lead them to, feel they are responsible for something (anything) negative in your life

* you don't put their mind at rest and reassure them when they think that something that's happened to you or someone else is their fault - and you know it was not directly caused by something they did deliberately 

* You manage to get your child to do or say something because they feel guilty or sorry for you

Hope this helps

Hi Goldilox
Your article got me thinking and I asked my husband if I use guilt trips on him. He said that no I don't. I also asked him to make me aware if he ever notices me trying to do the guilt trip thing on anyone, especially our child. He has promised he will. I was worried because as I said before when it is something you have grown up with as normal it is sometimes hard to recognise from the inside. I feel much better knowing that I am not using them now and that he will let me know if I slip up.

Absolutely! I used to be a "people pleaser", but through a fair amount of self-development over the years, I discovered that through putting myself out in order that people would like me, or not be angry or dissapointed in me, I was spending a lot of time feeling resentment and a sense of injustice.

Like the oxygen masks on airplanes, you're of no use to anyone else if you don't look after yourself. One of the most important responsibilities I have to my son, is to look after his mother.

Dumping the guilt baggage, and becoming more self-sufficient emotionally has meant I am able to say "no" when I feel I need to, and am able to be happy about saying "yes" when I do say yes. This has meant I feel happier and more generous and more tollerant generally - which is much more useful to those I love.

Do keep in mind when your sister, or anyone else, uses guilt as a weapon, it is just that - a weapon. It is a lazy form of a person getting their own way, and it is, as I said before a sneaky form of emotional bullying. Each person is responsible for their own lives - and for their own reactions. 

A wonderful experiment to try - because the reaction can be very amusing  is to, when you say "no" - give the reason "I'm really sorry honey, but I just don't want to." or "Ah, I'd love to help, but I just don't feel like it." The important thing about being this frank is to say it with genuine sympathy, but not with guilt. Think of it as if someone has come into your library looking for a particular book, but you don't have it. You wouldn't feel guilty about it, but you'd feel sorry that you haven't got it for them. It's a combination of that attitude, and the honesty of a child who makes no excuse for not playing a particular game - not "I'm busy" or "I don't have time" or "I have to take the dog to the vet" but simply "I don't want to."

Everyone has a right to say they don't want to do something, but we often forget this.

Try it, it's fun. Sometimes, when we don't get what we want from others, we have to give it to ourselves. Give yourself the protection and consideration and the "break" and acceptance that you wish your sister would give you. It's incredibly empowering.

And you may be pleasantly surprised at the other person's reaction. As long as you say it with genuine care. You do care, you just don't want to do it yourself this time. Maybe next time. Once the person has had a chance to absorb and digest what you've said, you may well find they learn to respect your boundries.

Remember, we teach people how to treat us by the treatment we accept from them.

No-one who loves someone will not love them, or love them less, for saying "no" when they don't want to do something. They may not like it, they may get annoyed, but if they love you, they love you. And if it's a relationship that has no real foundation (for example the "damaging friendship" you mention) then as you say, you are much better off without them.