The way this issue of sibling rivalry is handled can change who your child becomes as an adult!
I believe that one of the skills many people lack as adults is how to solve disagreements with others. If children
are taught HOW to solve their disagreements, with help from their parents, they will develop skills that will serve them well as adults.
Many parents’ approach to sibling fighting is to get angry with all children involved and expect them to “sort it out” between them.
However, children do not come equipped with these dispute resolution skills that are lacking even in most adults.
Parents expect the children to “sort it out” themselves, although they don’t sit down and explain to them HOW to resolve their disputes.
Below is some excellent information I have copied and pasted (with permission of the author) from a comment by BlueSilver:
“Perhaps (the parent) could ask what they are disagreeing on. Each person to take a turn and they only have 20 words so would they should please take the time to think about what they perceive to be the problem.
Ask them each - what THEY think would be a fair solution. make constructive empowering comments to help guide their reasoning.
Encouraging them to put their view forward but then asking them to tell you what they think the other sibling thinks and feels encourages them to think of the other person's feelings.
Of course you can’t have these sessions every few minutes but bickering becomes a habit when children feel that in general they are in competition with each other. “
… and referring to a suggestion of sending the children to their rooms whenever they insist on fighting over something….
“If a divorce matter goes to court, the judge does not say "right, you two can’t agree just both go to your rooms and I'm confiscating all your things your matter is not important - have some consideration for me the judge who has to come and listen to it.
Is it not the judges job to listen to it and help resolve? is it not the parent's job to listen and help resolve fairly and lovingly?
Children's issues may seem trivial to an adult but we don't have to treat them that way.
Being told to "sort it out" often results in
1) the more assertive child getting his way at the expense of the child who wanted peace. i.e one kid saying "yes, so you better give it to me or mum will take it we both loose out and it will be YOUR fault."
2.) the children learn that it is pointless taking their issues to anyone in authority because they don't care and they have more important things to worry about. So if a child is being bullied or borderline abused: how can they be sure it won’t be interpreted as one of the things they should just sort out themselves. Telling them they can come to you with important issues only ,will not sink in half as well as the constant re-enforcement of "go and sort it out yourself" they will remember that "sort it out" was said far more than "come and talk to me about it" they wont remember which things go under which category
message: their mum's right to quiet is more important than whatever is upsetting them.
If you try this method and they shout you down and won’t co-operate with the discussing of their problem then I agree it is a good idea to send them to their rooms to think about a better way to resolve their issues (not as punishment!) and then after 10minutes they can present their cases.
Opportunities for bickering can also be minimised by sitting down with the children before something becomes an issue and together drawing up a roster for the playstation, tv etc that they all believe is fair. Also, ask them to agree to ask permission from each other to use each others things and if someone violates that they should be able to say to the other sibling that is not what we agreed please don't etc. If the other sibling ignores them and continues they should be able to come to you for help.”
I’d like to add another suggestion to BlueSilver’s:
One of the tools you can give your children is a “dispute hat” (or stone or ball or whatever) and when they disagree, they can take it in turns to hold the “dispute hat” – at this time, only the person holding the dispute item may talk, and the other has to listen. But the dispute item only lasts for a certain period of time (two minutes for example – get them a timer ;)
There are three rounds with the dispute hat:
Round One: Each person has two minutes to explain his side without being interrupted. The other one has to listen carefully – he’s going to need the information in round two.
When the time is up, the other person gets to do the same.
Round Two: After they’ve each had their two minute’s explanation, they again take it in turns to hold the dispute hat, but this time, two minutes speaking as if they are the other person, saying what they understand that person’s point of view is, and what they think that person means.
Round Three: Last round with the “dispute hat” – this time putting forward what they think would be a fair and reasonable solution.
The most important thing about this method is, you will need to walk them through it the first few times. Help them as many times as needed. It’s not easy – even for adults – to resolve disagreements without someone feeling cheated in some way, so it’s important not to expect too much too fast.
Having been one of three children, all very close in age (I was the eldest by just one year) I remember very clearly, the frustration and feelings of unfairness and outrage at being punished because of disagreements between us - and I know my brother and sister felt the same.
Please bear in mind, one child cannot force another to behave. Please don't hold one child responsible for another's behaviour - regardless of their ages.
I agree whole-heartedly with what BlueSilver says about the more assertive child getting his way at the expense of the child who wants peace (also add to this, the child who is more sensitive to upsetting his parents) this is:
1. outrageously unfair and can create many future problems for both children
2. giving the message to the assertive one that you can get your own way by bullying and/or manipulation
3. developing feelings in the other child of injustice, lowering self-esteem, inferiority, and creating the foundation of a doormat adult ... or an adult who is resentful and passively-aggressive ... or... any number of other possible issues.
Our aim, as parents, is to give our children tools and skills that will prepare them for successful integration into society as adults - enabling them to be happy, secure and confident, with good people skills. Siblings have a great opportunity to learn positive problem solving and communication, but it is not a built in feature they arrive with - and they will not learn it by trial and error, and they certainly will not learn it by being sent to their rooms. They will learn it from their parents - in two main ways:
1. Observing how their parents resolve disagreements
2. Being given the tools and skills by their parents at the time of the disagreement.
We need to be very careful of telling our children to do things, and expecting them to do them, without making sure they have a) the tools with which to accomplish these things; b) the understanding of those tools and exactly what is expected of them, and c) control over the situation.
It's incredibly damaging to punish a child for something he has no control over (including someone else's behaviour).
Everyone has a need (and a right!) to be heard - to have their say and to put their point forward. And children deserve to be heard just as much as anyone else. Imagine your frustration if you were in the middle of a disagreement with someone - a disagreement you felt very strongly about - and you felt you were in the right and that the other person had wronged you and was treating you unfairly, and in the middle of that argument, someone walked in, and instead of mediating and allowing you each to have your say and put forward your point, this person told you to separate from the one who you feel had hurt you, until you could "get along nicely".
It's not really a practical way to resolve disagreements, and it certainly will not be useful to them as adults in society.
I think it's important that we, as parents, take more time to look through our children's eyes. When siblings are bickering, the parent hears "noise" and "squabbling" - and I understand that. But if the parent were to change their perspective for a moment, look at that particular situation through each child's eyes, they might have more compassion for them. They might understand them more. And they might even find their own stress level drops as they put the child's feeling at that time before their own.... and they might then feel able to walk their children through a diplomatic and effective resolution, giving them invaluable skills and tools to use for the rest of their lives.
The way this issue of sibling rivalry is handled can change who your child becomes as an adult!
(September 2006) (
