A Few Tools to Replace Spanking

Here are some effective, positive alternatives to spanking:

Before listing the specifics, it's important I mention the most effective attitude to use with these tools. You are on your child's side. He is not the enemy, and your aim is to prepare him for adulthood - so that he

Don't see disagreements and misbehaviour as challenges. He may well be challenging you, but it doesn't help you, to look at it that way. Here are some tips:

* When disciplining your child, have the attitude you would if someone asked you if you could lend them £100, and you don't have it. "I'm so sorry, but unfortunately, I just don't have it. I'd love to lend it to you if I could." Sincerity is vital. It's important that your child can feel you don't want to punish, you don't enjoy telling her off, you're not just trying to be authoritative, it's just that there are some things she is allowed to do and unfortunately, some things she isn't allowed to do or have. You'd love for her to be constantly happy and able to have and do everything she wants, but it just doesn't get good results. Therefore you need to put your foot down in the nicest way.

You will feel more in control if you calmly say "unfortunately, no, I'm afraid you can't do that" and then just stick to that. Whatever they do in reaction, it doesn't matter, if you keep repeating the "no" nicely and with calm confidence, they will eventually have to accept it (they will have no choice).

No amount of yelling, threatening, or spanking is as arresting and frustratingly immovable as a smile and a calm, sympathetic "sorry, but that's unfortunately just the way it is."  Far more effective.

* Try not to get emotional. When you have the right tools, there is no reason to get emotional. The tools that follow, if used correctly, will give you the ability to simply and calmly stand your ground. And it doesn't matter if your child resists, sympathise with him - it's hard learning restrictions when you're born with a free and easy soul that just wants to do it's own thing. It's like watching a puppy trying to get over a low wall that is keeping him in. You can see there is no way he'll get over it. You're not going to remove it because it is keep him safe. But when he cries, you don't need to get angry and shout at him or smack him - there is no need. You can feel sorry for him, and reassure him, and wait for him to learn to accept the wall as a secure boundary. It may take time, but he WILL eventually realise he can't get over it, and you're not removing it, and therefore he will at last accept it.

* "My child is defiant" The way to deal with defiance is to not challenge it. Why does his defiance bother you? If if is because you can't get him to do what he should do, see the tools that follow, but if it is because he won't bend his will, then you need to re-look at your motives.

Firstly, who is he modeling? Children are programmed to learn by observing and copying (unconsciously) their parents. Now, if he is copying a parent or other adult you disapprove of and are thinking "well it's her/ his fault", fair enough - but it's vital to acknowledge that it is not the child's fault. And if it is you he is modeling, then you need to acknowledge and take responsibility for that as well.

 A change of perspective can help here. Very very few adults find it easy to back down in an argument or disagreement. If you look through your child's eyes, you'll find he has the same reluctance you do. It's natural. There is no need to engage in a "power-struggle" with your child. Discipline should not be about power or authority and it certainly shouldn't be about breaking the child's will. It should be about love, caring, concern and guidance.

Your motive to get your child to do or not to do something should never be ( and doesn't NEED to be) about asserting authority or power or "teaching a lesson" - it should be to help them learn the tools and skills that will prepare them and equip them for the outside world. If you make this your motive, and you make it clear to your child this is your motive, and you use the following tools correctly, you will not need to yell, spank or use any other aggressive form of discipline.

Also, respect your child's views, opinions, and feelings. He may be a child and still learning stuff, but he is still a separate human being doing his best to thrive in a world he's still getting the hang of. His thoughts, opinions, views and feelings are every bit as important and in need of acknowledgement as yours. And besides, you do want him to be himself, and to grow and develop in his own special and unique way. He has to be able to do that by trial and error - safe from judgment and retribution.

If a child feels listened to (truly listened to - not with half an ear), and understood by her parent, and allowed to have her say, and she feels that her parent takes her seriously and considers her views, thoughts and feelings, and is acting out of concern, love and guidance rather than simply out of authority, she is unlikely to demonstrate "defiant" behaviour.

"Defiance" is often a misunderstanding, a projection from the adult onto the child (in other words interpreting behaviour as "defiant" because of the parent's own beliefs), and often a sign of a strong sense of self, and determination - which are GOOD qualities, and should be channeled not "knocked out" of her.  Her "defiance" can be one of her most valuable qualities if it is understood, respected, and channeled. It can be the quality that gets her that amazing job, that helps her win that race/ break that record/ stand up for herself/ get the salary she deserves/ saves her from a destructive relationship....

Here are some tools you can use to replace spanking (even "as a last resort"!):

* Leverage - this is one of the most effective forms of discipline, but one that often fails because it is not used effectively. Here are the most important points that are VITAL to the success of this tool:

1. It must be something that means a lot to the child. The parent needs to find out what specifically is important currency to that child - riding his bike, a particular t.v. program, playstation etc. It must NEVER be a basic need. It must NEVER be food, clothing, love, hugs, or anything else he has a basic right to.

2. Make absolutely certain that the behaviour is within the child's control. That he has the ability and the tools to give the result you are asking for. For example, punishing all children for one child's behaviour is grossly unfair. One child has no control over what the other does or says.

Punishing a child for soiling or wetting is also cruel - he has no control over it - and if you believe he is doing it on purpose, read the post "How do I stop my 7 year old from soiling?".

A child will not be able to judge time effectively. If you say to your child: "You must stop with the playstation in five minutes" he will NOT be able to judge that time. (A lot of adults can't judge 5 minutes when playing playstation  ) - you need to set an alarm, or let him know when the five minutes are up.

Even if he has a watch or a clock, it's important to understand that when children (and many adults) become involved in something - especially something that involves imagination and "escapism" like movies, books and games, they genuinely haven't yet developed the mental ability to pull themselves out of it to check the time every now and then. And punishing them will not help them develop that ability - it's just not a skill they have yet. You wouldn't punish him for not being able to learn to drive.

3. You HAVE to follow through. Don't threaten anything you can't or aren't prepared to carry out. Plan ahead, and come up with a list of things you can use as leverage, and make a plan for using them.

I will post more tools as I can (I have to go now) or, if you'd like to read more in the meantime, you can get more suggestions for positive and empowering discipline tools in my ebook "10 Simple Ways to Improve Your Child's Behaviour" (link at the bottom of this post).