This seems to be a question many parents ask. Before suggesting some ideas to get children to do their chores willingly, there's something I feel it's important to point out.
We are in fact not raising children, we are raising adults.
When you plant a seed for
an apple tree, you are not growing a sapling, you are growing an apple tree. You are expecting that seed to grow, first into a sapling, and then, over time, with the right care and attention, you are expecting it to grow into a fully-grown apple tree.
Sometimes we forget that we are raising adults not children. They are currently children, but the end goal of nurturing, caring for, and guiding our children is a healthy, happy, well-adjusted, well-prepared, fabulous adult with the best chance in life we can manage to give them.
We can really give our children the best start by looking ahead regarding our discipline and teaching choices.
The methods we use to encourage the behaviour and attitude we desire in our children, will have an effect on who that child becomes as an adult. Everything we teach - either directly or by example - will contribute to that adult.
As far as household chores go, I believe it is essential to give the child a very specific reward for doing chores. I know that many parents feel they shouldn't have to reward their child for helping around the house - they feel the child should contribute to the family and learn responsibility without having to be rewarded for it.
I understand this view from the parent’s perspective. But, here’s why I believe it is essential a child is, not only rewarded for his chores – but should learn to expect to be rewarded…
* This child will grow into an adult
* We want this adult to be successful and happy
* We want this adult to experience success in: personal relationships, career and finances
If the child has been expected to do chores (things he wouldn’t normally do out of choice), without reward there is a risk that, as an adult he may:
* be less inclined to be motivated to work and to earn what he is capable of earning, since he hasn’t developed the excitement and sense of achievement that goes with being rewarded for work he’s done
* be drawn into the trap of settling for a job he doesn’t particularly enjoy – and may even dislike – just to “scrape by” – he has learned to “put up with” jobs he doesn’t like without demanding anything in return – just looking forward to getting it over with. This becomes a habit.
* develop a sub-conscious belief that he doesn’t deserve to be paid for work, and will therefore accept whatever he is offered, and feel uncomfortable asking for a raise
* believe he should work overtime without pay, in order to contribute and/ or because he believes he has a responsibility to someone else.
* be drawn into relationships where he may be taken advantage of, since he is used to doing for others and not asking anything in return
We teach people how to treat us by what we accept and tolerate from them.
We all want our children to set high standards for themselves so that they demand respect and value from others, as well as show respect and value for others.
Although we want our children to be polite, respectful, helpful and compassionate, we don’t want them to become doormat adults, adults who have trouble saying “no”, or who find themselves unable to put their foot down about how they are treated. And worse – who find themselves remaining in abusive or destructive relationships or soul-destroying job situations because they don’t know they deserve better, and/or have not developed the ability to demand higher standards for themselves.
By rewarding our children for chores, we are teaching them to expect reward and compensation for work. This is a GOOD thing. This is the FIRST thing they should learn about work. They can learn to do favours, and enjoy helping people once they know their worth – once they know that what they do has a value, and that they deserve that value.
In adult society, he will need to have the sense of self-worth to, not just get appreciation from others – appreciation won’t pay his bills or feed his family – but to demand to be paid his worth so that he can thrive and be financially healthy.
“But I don’t want my child to become selfish or materialistic”
If a child has learned to expect reward for work he’s done, and accustomed to receiving it, and he is then asked to do his parent or someone else a favour and help out – and he understands what it would mean to that person - he will enjoy the thrill of giving, and he will enjoy the feeling of helping someone out because he will know the value of what he is doing.
A person who, as child was well rewarded for chores, can develop:
* the ability to feel comfortable asking for the salary they know they deserve
* a higher self-esteem and sense of self-worth
* a set of high standards - they expect to be treated with the respect and value with which they treat others
* motivation to work for reward, and not to “settle” for second best
* better judgment for career choices
* the confidence, self-esteem and sense of self-worth to put their foot down regarding the way they are treated in personal relationships
It’s important to make sure the reward is something the child values – something that excites him. Again – this will teach him to associate motivation and excitement with work.
Give him the reward immediately – short attention span and all that – if you give him the reward (if it’s a star chart, let him stick the star on it himself) immediately after the work is done, the feeling of excitement, achievement and value will be stronger and will sink in deeper. If he has to wait for it, then the next time he has to do the chore, the feeling of having to wait for the reward will be stronger than the excitement of earning it.
Naturally the reward should be age-appropriate. Here are some ideas for rewards:
Star charts; specific treats they value; extra time per chore for T.V. or playstation (specific number of minutes – 10 minutes or 30 minutes – depending on age); money – yes it is a GOOD thing to let your children learn to earn money – it will serve them well as adults. When my son was younger, I used play money, and had a chart with a list of privileges he could purchase with the play money he had earned, for example: 2 pence to have a sweet before breakfast; 5 pence for an extra half-hour T.V. program in the afternoon; 15 pence for breakfast in bed (this was the one that got him particularly excited, and he used to save his earnings for breakfast in bed on Saturday morning) He earned 2 to 5 pence per chore -depending on what it was.
These rewards must always be extra things – that he doesn’t normally get, or wouldn’t normally be allowed to do.
It must be worth it to the child. If you find him sacrificing the reward, for not having to do the chore, there are a couple of possibilities:
1. The reward doesn’t excite him enough – it’s not worth it
2. The timing is wrong – asking him to interrupt a T.V. program, playstation game, or imaginative play, in order to do a chore has a good chance of failing. His heart and soul is busy enjoying and being absorbed by something really fun – he’s loving it – very few rewards will look tempting enough from there
If you ever have to force, cajole or use guilt in order to get your child to do chores – think about the message you are writing in his mind and how it will translate to his adult life.
(September 2006) (
