minti, powered by parents Powered by Parents
First Visit?     Register     Login
 

This site gets better with user participation. Please participate... Some of the main things you can do is rate this advice, add comments to this advice, add links to and from this advice, and/or write your own advice.

  email  print
  report   
Like this topic?
Write Advice
Add to Favorites
Advice that links to this one
ADVICE RATING
 (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) 4.58 (Highly recommend) from 46 votes (5601 Visits)

What Is Your Parenting Style?

TheMentorMom by TheMentorMom Young Parent(September 2006) (rank 17th)

In general, parents vary greatly in their parenting style.  What exactly is parenting style you may ask? In a nutshell, it is ones overall pattern of parenting interactions.  There has been a great deal of research on parenting styles.  Researchers, most notably Diana Baumrind, looked at positive characteristics

in children and then interviewed parents to determine if there were any commonalities in their parenting styles that led to positive outcomes later in life.  They identified two important ingredients: a) responsiveness and b) behavioral control.  Out of this came the identification of four different parenting styles: 

  • Authoritarian 
  • Authoritative
  • Permissive
  • Uninvolved

Most of us are familiar with these styles and know what they mean, however, I want to go a little more in depth and discuss some of the possible effects the different styles can have on our children later in life.  I should mention that most of us will vacillate between the different styles at various points in time.  Consider parenting style a continuum with authoritarian on one end and permissive on the other.  Some of us may be in the middle most of the time but find that we occasionally dip into either side depending on the day. 

The first parenting style I want to discuss is  authoritarian.   Parents who use this as their primary parenting style command respect, offer their children few choices, are frequently punishing and are in general direct the lives of their children.   They often resort to yelling or threats to control behavior and discourage verbal give and take which is seen as back talk.   Research has shown some interesting possible outcomes for children who grow up experiencing this as a primary parenting style in their household:

  • Children of authoritarian parents may become followers and follow those who do not have their best interests in mind.
  • They have low self-esteem and may become aggressive and defiant.
  • They tend to have poor social skills.
  • They tend to have higher levels of depression.

Let's discuss these points a little further.  Why would these children be more likely to be followers?  By being so directive, limiting choices, and telling their kids what to do all the time, authoritarian parents are inadvertanly sending a message of  "You can't think for yourself."  As a result, these kids often cave when faced with peer pressure to become involved in harmful behavior such as drugs, alcohol, etc.  They have not internalized that they are able to make good choices for themselves and stand up for their best interests.

This, of course, has an impact on self-esteem.  If a parent has sent the message "you can't think for yourself," why would the child ever believe in themselves?  If the most important person in my life doesn't believe in them, why should they?  The low self-esteem can affect social skills and is often associated with depression.  I am speculating here, but I am guessing that the reports of poor social skills could stem from these children having little opportunity to negotiate or debate issues with their parent.  Just a thought.

The permissive parenting style allows children freedom without limits.  These parents often feel that their children are going to face enough limits in the real world as adults so they allow their children carte blanche in the home.  They attempt to protect their children from any sort of adversity.  There are some parents who use this style because they have difficulty limiting their child's behavior for fear of rejection or negative feelings from the child.  Parents who are predominately passive in their parenting style may be setting their child up for difficulties later on.  Here are some of the possible outcomes:

  • The children become so accustomed to having their own way, they become frustrated when they cannot have their way outside the home.
  • These children often grow up to lack self-control, remain immature in their thinking processes and may become aggressive at home.
  • These children are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform poorly in school.

By always protecting them from adversity, parents are depriving them of the chance to learn coping skills.  By not setting appropriate limits, we undermine their character development.  Let's think about this a little more.  If a child has had few limits and responsiblities in the home, how are they going to respond in a work situation where they have to follow rules and meet deadlines?  How will they react to their behavior being limited in this environment? 

Jim Fay and Foster Cline, authors of Raising Your Children with Love and Logic, describe these parents as "Helicopter Parents."  These parents hover over their children prepared to save them from any difficulties they may encounter, e.g., forgetting to bring their lunch to school, etc.  They believe that when parents swoop in and save the day by bringing the lunch to school parents are robbing their children of valuable lessons.  If the parent is always there to save the day, what will be the child's expectation as an adult?  I highly recommend their book and think it is a must read for all parents.  This is not to say that all will find the theory and techniques to be a good fit, but it never hurts to educated oneself on a variety of options.

The uninvolved parenting style is, unfortunately, becoming more prevalent as a result of our changing world, e.g., over-scheduled, overworked parents, the impact of technology, etc.  In the extreme, this parenting style can border on neglect.  Parents who use this as their primary parenting style often feels that he has no right to limit a child's behavior, are low in their responsiveness or demandingness (remember, these are the two primary traits that determine one's parenting style), show little commitment to providing care for their child, and can sometimes be rejecting. Parents who resort to this style are often emotionally detached, depressed and/or overwhelmed sometimes because of their own problems or life stressors.  In a nutshell, they provide the bare essentials.  It is no surprise, but children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains. Here are just a few likely outcomes:

  • Deficits in attachment
  • Deficits in cognition
  • Deficits in social and emotional skills
  • Probable aggressive and/or acting out behavior.
  • Increased incidence of involvement in use of drugs.

I'm afraid most of us know someone who fits the criteria for this parenting style.  In my many years of social work, I have met far too many to count.  This is not to say that parents who revert to this interaction pattern are horrible parents.  My experience has been two-fold:  1) either they don't see that they are uninvolved (e.g., working two jobs to pay the bills, etc.); or 2) they have other issues that are interfering with their ability to provide for their child emotionally (e.g., depression, substance abuse, etc.).  Providing support and encouragement without judgment is the most likely approach to encourage change. 

The final parenting style is authoritative.  Jim Fay and Foster Cline of  The Love and Logic Institute refer to parents who use this parenting style as consultants.  I actually prefer that label as I think it best describes the overall tone of this style.  Parents who use this style provide guidance and consultant services to their child.  They help him explore alternatives and then allows him to make his own decision.   This style actually encourages discussion.   The parenting style recognizes individual rights and choices.  What are some of the possible outcomes of the style?  Here are just a few:

  • The child of a consultant parent is more likely to become competent, responsible, and independent.
  • They are more likely to develop high self-esteem.
  • They often demonstrate a greater capability to control aggression.
  • Children of consultant parents rate themselves and score on objective measures as being more socially competent than those from the other parenting styles.

Doesn't it make sense that children of consultant parents would have high self-esteem?  The parents have allowed their children to make choices about things that affect them.  Giving choices sends the message "we know you can handle this" to the child.  If the most important role models in his life believe he can make good decisions, he will be more likely to internalize that belief himself.  It makes sense that children of consultant parents are often found to be more social competent as they have had more experience negotiating with their parents which is an important skill for social success.

So, have you figured out where you fall on the parent style continuum?  If not, you can go take this parenting style quiz.  I hope that you have found this information helpful.  It is important to recognize our parenting style preferences and the effect it has on our children.  Only with insight can we make changes if needed. 

Any contributed content above is the subjective opinion of that member or external author, and not of Minti.com Pty Ltd. If you are searching for health related advice we strongly suggest you seek professional medical support. View our Terms of Service for more details.
ADVICE RATING
 (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) (Highly recommend) 4.58 (Highly recommend) from 46 votes
Report
ExcellentExcellentExcellentExcellentExcellent
GoodGoodGoodGoodGood
AverageAverageAverageAverageAverage
PoorPoorPoorPoorPoor
Very PoorVery PoorVery PoorVery PoorVery Poor

Voting help


 
Add a comment on this article.

 

cjh84
April 2009 | cjh84
Re: What Is Your Parenting Style?

i must admit, even though you see kids today.....who some of which act like ferals......it just makes me so sad to see some parents not care......when i was a kid swear words were a no no...these days they are flung around like any other word..."like it's nothing"....what happened to society, ok for sure kids will pick things up...but what happened to teaching our children manners and other things....correct them on english...etc. some kids disgust me...but most of all some parents make my blood boil when they don't even flinch when they hear their child talking badly.....i know i will be a protective and strict mum....like any other, but i was raised with good morals, its amazing the difference it makes. i look at myself and think...i am so glad i was raised the way i was, cause some people are pretty...umm..confused human beings..lol...anyway. i think that raising a child in a loving enviroment will teach that child how to love...raising them in an enviroment that is full of bitterness will teach that child to hate....our children are, what we teach them....you got one chance to get that right....well, im gonna teach my daughter that i will love her no matter what. i have these views because, i was fostered and i am one of few lucky ones that went to a fabulous family...my partner has a child with his ex in which his child lives with her....his ex and her family have no respect and are really feral...but that poor child suffers because of the mothers bitterness, my partner misses out on seeing his daughter because the mother  is really immature and bitter...and what is worse is that his daughter misses her daddy and her mum tells her that daddy doesn't love her....the cruelest thing i have ever heard in my life!!!!! i think that is low, disgusting and plain evil.



Reply Reply Report
josierm
March 2009 | josierm
Re: What Is Your Parenting Style?

I found this really interesting.  As a paed nurse i have also seen all types of different parenting styles and their outcomes.  I like how you have included the consequences for each parenting style.



Reply Reply Report
MrsSanders
February 2009 | MrsSanders
Re: What Is Your Parenting Style?

Interesting article, thankyou for sharing. I did attempt the Quiz, however as the answers did not include what I would do, I felt that it was not appropriate to complete it as it would give a false reading.

For instance there was no option to allow a child a bed time snack without resorting to a negative conclusion. Why if a child has eaten their dinner are they not also allowed a nutritious bed time snack (called supper here in the UK), some children do in the real world, need that bit extra before bed. There was also no option to find out why the child was prevaricating, was it food or emotional issues.

 The parent was not given the option to review the R rated video and make their decision as to the appropriateness. Therefor allowing the dicussion on facts rather than speculation !

No option to just ask the children politely to tidy the playroom before going out without helping them or yelling at them. I might be cooking the dinner at the time !!!!!!!!!!!

I know that you picked the quiz as a fun way for people to find out their style, I just found it too restricting. I like to think and view things outside the box some times.

I believe that depending on circumstances and child personality that in all honesty, I float between Authoritarian and Authoritative

Not quite sure where that leaves my girls though, oops.

Mixed up maybe !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luv Winnie.xxxx

 



Reply Reply Report
Queen-Fire
February 2009 | Queen-Fire
Re: What Is Your Parenting Style?

Thanks this really opened up my eyes to why I have so many issues in life, My parents were the very Authoritarian type with me, but with my brother they were more the Uninvolved and with my sister they used the Authorative style. It helps to explain how all 3 of us turned out ver differently.



Reply Reply Report
emmie
February 2009 | emmie
Re: What Is Your Parenting Style?

fantastic advivce thanks 4 sharimg xxx



Reply Reply Report
Tadpole
November 2008 | Tadpole
Re: What Is Your Parenting Style?

What a great article and so well written, you should really be happy with this. I am sure it is an eye opener to the authoritarian parent to see how their approach to parenting could reflect on their child.



Reply Reply Report
pavementcracks70
5.00 (Excellent) | March 2008 | pavementcracks70
Re: What Is Your Parenting Style?

good to know im an authoritative parent!

its great to be reminded of the different parenting styles and to reflect how they fit in into our daily lives

excellent article

rue



Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
April 2008 | TheMentorMom
Re: What Is Your Parenting Style?

Thanks, Rue!



Reply Reply Report
exquisite-flower
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | exquisite-flower
Authoritative Parent
This is me.  At the end of the day I want my girl to be secure in who she is and able to achieve her goals, happiness in her life and the ability to adapt to varying situations she encounters.  Time will tell if I achieve this or not.
Peace
EF.x 


Reply Reply Report
cazza
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | cazza
what is your parenting styles
thankyou for a great article and i just took the quiz and i am a authoriative mum, so i was pleased to see that as i have a lot of critisism from my mil and sil about how i disipline my children...


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | TheMentorMom
what is your parenting styles
Well done!  Maybe your mil and sil need to take the test. 


Reply Reply Report
johnmorr
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | johnmorr
Parenting Styles
Parenting style recognition. . . very cool!
This affirms for me that a lot of my beliefs are on the money. Thank you for placing it where I could find it.


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
April 2007 | TheMentorMom
Parenting Styles
Glad you found it helpful and I agree with your other comment that the authoritative style is "forward thinking."  That's a great way to put it :)


Reply Reply Report
blackwidowkate
5.00 (Excellent) | December 2006 | blackwidowkate
parenting style
Hi,
Can I resign from the parenting race????
I had 2 absolutely brilliant children in my teenagers as babies.
I am now being given my revenge for bragging so much.....
Any one want a 13 month old terror......
Good article by the way....
Luv Deb



Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
December 2006 | TheMentorMom
parenting style
Sorry, there's no resigning in this business!  I'm sure your 13 month old isn't a terror at all!  I think that is a great age.  Yes, it requires lots of running and supervision on our part, but they are still so sweet and haven't yet developed the ability to be malicous.  If they would only stay that way!


Reply Reply Report
ssedgar
5.00 (Excellent) | December 2006 | ssedgar
parenting style
very informative as always. Liek you said i think most people would dabble with all of these styles depending on thier moods or stress. I try to be authoratative but it is not always easy


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
December 2006 | TheMentorMom
parenting style
Boy, you are so right!  I too have a tough time staying in that middle ground :)


Reply Reply Report
           johnmorr
April 2007 | johnmorr
parenting style
In my opinion, the authoritative parenting style is founded in a forward-thinking position. And most crucially established as soon as possible. The outcome is not a perfect child, but one who is informed and more able to make good decision. I believe that this parenting style is not a mind-set, but a heart-set. That being said, it was not very difficult for me.


Reply Reply Report
LaRenae
5.00 (Excellent) | December 2006 | LaRenae
trying to figure it out
First time parent trying to figure it all out ... Love this article...... Nice to have a knowledge about how we treat our children and the impact that will have on their social development ... Thanks !


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
December 2006 | TheMentorMom
trying to figure it out
Glad to hear you found it helpful :)


Reply Reply Report
jenlemen
5.00 (Excellent) | October 2006 | jenlemen
i like this!
being the test junkie that i am, i really like any and every chance i can get to analyze things from a new angle.  thanks for this--i'll be working my way to authoritative parent little by little now!


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
5.00 (Excellent) | December 2006 | TheMentorMom
i like this!
Glad you liked it!  It is always fun to see if we "fit" where we think we should, isn't it?


Reply Reply Report
JadieLady
5.00 (Excellent) | October 2006 | JadieLady
test
U came up as authoratitive, which i think is the way i wanna be! Thanks for sharing that with us, it was really good!


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
5.00 (Excellent) | December 2006 | TheMentorMom
test
Good to hear from you jadielady!  I wish I could say that I stay in the authoritarian mode all the time :)


Reply Reply Report
           TheMentorMom
5.00 (Excellent) | December 2006 | TheMentorMom
test
Oops, I mean authoritative! 


Reply Reply Report
Rachall
5.00 (Excellent) | October 2006 | Rachall
Informative

That explains a lot. My mother was an authoritarian and my stepfather was permissive.

My husband and I are trying to be authoritative as it allows Josh to make decisions himself with a little help.



Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
5.00 (Excellent) | October 2006 | TheMentorMom
Informative
I'm glad you found the information informative!  I strive to be authoritative as well, but it is hard some times!


Reply Reply Report
Izzy
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | Izzy
very informative

I've been using the term, authoritative, around my house. My husband gets confused on which is which when it comes to authoritative and authoritarian so I have to remind him once in a while. We strive to be authoritative parents of course, but it's not easy. But I guess having a very independent child stops me from becoming authoritarian, otherwise we'll butt heads all the time.

While in school, it's been discussed that children of authoritarian parents have a high likelihood of children with eating disorders too, like bulimia. The purging makes the children feel in control of something.



Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
4.45 (Good) | September 2006 | TheMentorMom
very informative
Excellent point Izzy.  Probably related to the lack of control these kids often feel?


Reply Reply Report
Frontier
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | Frontier
Good info
This can help us make a stocktake of our parenting styles. I certainly dabble in all these areas and I must say it depends on your own status where you find yourself sometimes. when you are tired or your tollorance is low you tend to head to the extreams where you either give in or draw the line. Both will have a short term result for you but will not help you in the long run. It is all part of being a human and as long as you spend most of your time in the middle somewhere your kids will have a fairly stable interpretation of how you manage the family unit.


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | TheMentorMom
Good info
Excellent point as well Frontier.  I find that I "dabble" in the different styles as well and it usually has to do more with my mood, stress, etc., than it does with the kids.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter :)


Reply Reply Report
rkcrtbrown
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | rkcrtbrown
parenting styles
Great article!!!!


Reply Reply Report
Neeters
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | Neeters
Parenting Style
This was a great article.  I learned a lot. 


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
September 2006 | TheMentorMom
Parenting Style
Thanks and I'm glad you and rkcrtbrown found the information useful :)


Reply Reply Report
michellei
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | michellei
Authoritative Parent
An authoritative parent 'operates on the belief that both the child and the parent have certain rights and that the needs of both are important. The parent is sure that she is in control and doesn't need to assert physical force to keep the child on the right track. Rather, an authoritative parent is more likely to control her child by setting rules and explaining why these rules are important and why they must be followed'.

I just took the test & this was my result. I guess I must be on the right track then!!


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
September 2006 | TheMentorMom
Authoritative Parent
Good for you!


Reply Reply Report
rachelcook
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | rachelcook
great advice
This is great...I think also it is a good idea for me anyway, to list a set of objectives to achieve like: they have self-esteem, able to control anger, able to vent anger properly, able to express feelings, able to handle challenges and so on...sometimes i go through all parenting styles, but i definitely like knowing about the different styles and being aware of how I act and the impact I have on my child. Thank you so much for this, it is really making me think of my objectives and outcomes of parenting :0)


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
September 2006 | TheMentorMom
great advice
I'm glad you found the information helpful Rachel :)


Reply Reply Report
wildrose
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | wildrose
Good advice
Excellent advice MentorMom. I like the quiz part too. The explanations of which parent we are give us some views/pictures/ideas what our children will become. Eventhough, some parents might not agree with all of that, but then I suppose we knew/understood that the result of surveys or studies are base of the majority answers. It always be a hole in a needle. Anyway, Great advice!


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
4.00 (Good) | September 2006 | TheMentorMom
Good advice
Thanks Wildrose!  Glad you found the article informational :)


Reply Reply Report
mewannaboy
3.86 (Good) | September 2006 | mewannaboy
permissive parent
I am a permissive parent and have been verbally attacked over it ,my children are highly intelligent,mature beyond there years and out of our home behave like they never have at home,so your points indicating how a child parented by a permissive parent may behave are not totally correct.How many people were surveyed to prove these points,where do these children live. Because i believe childrens behaviour can be determined by Financial situation ,closeness to family members and other outside inffluence NOT JUST A PERMISSIVE PARENT......


Reply Reply Report
      TheMentorMom
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2006 | TheMentorMom
permissive parent
I am so sorry to hear that you have been attacked about your parenting choices.  I too have been judged and know that it is not a pleasant experience.  I completely agree with you that parenting style is not the single determinent of outcomes for children.  I agree as well that the factors you shared (financial situation, closeness of familial members, etc.) in addition to many others including the child's temperament and many others have a significant impact as well.   In hind sight, I should have indicated that parenting style is not the only indicator of outcomes, but rather one aspect.  Thank you for pointing this out!


Reply Reply Report

Bookmarks

No bookmarks found

Know someone who would like this site? Refer a friend