What Is Your Parenting Style?

In general, parents vary greatly in their parenting style.  What exactly is parenting style you may ask? In a nutshell, it is ones overall pattern of parenting interactions.  There has been a great deal of research on parenting styles.  Researchers, most notably Diana Baumrind, looked at positive characteristics in children and then interviewed parents to determine if there were any commonalities in their parenting styles that led to positive outcomes later in life.  They identified two important ingredients: a) responsiveness and b) behavioral control.  Out of this came the identification of four different parenting styles: 

• Authoritarian 
• Authoritative
• Permissive
• Uninvolved

Most of us are familiar with these styles and know what they mean, however, I want to go a little more in depth and discuss some of the possible effects the different styles can have on our children later in life.  I should mention that most of us will vacillate between the different styles at various points in time.  Consider parenting style a continuum with authoritarian on one end and permissive on the other.  Some of us may be in the middle most of the time but find that we occasionally dip into either side depending on the day. 

The first parenting style I want to discuss is  authoritarian.   Parents who use this as their primary parenting style command respect, offer their children few choices, are frequently punishing and are in general direct the lives of their children.   They often resort to yelling or threats to control behavior and discourage verbal give and take which is seen as back talk.   Research has shown some interesting possible outcomes for children who grow up experiencing this as a primary parenting style in their household:

• Children of authoritarian parents may become followers and follow those who do not have their best interests in mind.
• They have low self-esteem and may become aggressive and defiant.
• They tend to have poor social skills.
• They tend to have higher levels of depression.

Let's discuss these points a little further.  Why would these children be more likely to be followers?  By being so directive, limiting choices, and telling their kids what to do all the time, authoritarian parents are inadvertanly sending a message of  "You can't think for yourself."  As a result, these kids often cave when faced with peer pressure to become involved in harmful behavior such as drugs, alcohol, etc.  They have not internalized that they are able to make good choices for themselves and stand up for their best interests.

This, of course, has an impact on self-esteem.  If a parent has sent the message "you can't think for yourself," why would the child ever believe in themselves?  If the most important person in my life doesn't believe in them, why should they?  The low self-esteem can affect social skills and is often associated with depression.  I am speculating here, but I am guessing that the reports of poor social skills could stem from these children having little opportunity to negotiate or debate issues with their parent.  Just a thought.

The permissive parenting style allows children freedom without limits.  These parents often feel that their children are going to face enough limits in the real world as adults so they allow their children carte blanche in the home.  They attempt to protect their children from any sort of adversity.  There are some parents who use this style because they have difficulty limiting their child's behavior for fear of rejection or negative feelings from the child.  Parents who are predominately passive in their parenting style may be setting their child up for difficulties later on.  Here are some of the possible outcomes:

• The children become so accustomed to having their own way, they become frustrated when they cannot have their way outside the home.
• These children often grow up to lack self-control, remain immature in their thinking processes and may become aggressive at home.
• These children are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform poorly in school.

By always protecting them from adversity, parents are depriving them of the chance to learn coping skills.  By not setting appropriate limits, we undermine their character development.  Let's think about this a little more.  If a child has had few limits and responsiblities in the home, how are they going to respond in a work situation where they have to follow rules and meet deadlines?  How will they react to their behavior being limited in this environment? 

Jim Fay and Foster Cline, authors of Raising Your Children with Love and Logic, describe these parents as "Helicopter Parents."  These parents hover over their children prepared to save them from any difficulties they may encounter, e.g., forgetting to bring their lunch to school, etc.  They believe that when parents swoop in and save the day by bringing the lunch to school parents are robbing their children of valuable lessons.  If the parent is always there to save the day, what will be the child's expectation as an adult?  I highly recommend their book and think it is a must read for all parents.  This is not to say that all will find the theory and techniques to be a good fit, but it never hurts to educated oneself on a variety of options.

The uninvolved parenting style is, unfortunately, becoming more prevalent as a result of our changing world, e.g., over-scheduled, overworked parents, the impact of technology, etc.  In the extreme, this parenting style can border on neglect.  Parents who use this as their primary parenting style often feels that he has no right to limit a child's behavior, are low in their responsiveness or demandingness (remember, these are the two primary traits that determine one's parenting style), show little commitment to providing care for their child, and can sometimes be rejecting. Parents who resort to this style are often emotionally detached, depressed and/or overwhelmed sometimes because of their own problems or life stressors.  In a nutshell, they provide the bare essentials.  It is no surprise, but children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains. Here are just a few likely outcomes:

• Deficits in attachment
• Deficits in cognition
• Deficits in social and emotional skills
• Probable aggressive and/or acting out behavior.
• Increased incidence of involvement in use of drugs.

I'm afraid most of us know someone who fits the criteria for this parenting style.  In my many years of social work, I have met far too many to count.  This is not to say that parents who revert to this interaction pattern are horrible parents.  My experience has been two-fold:  1) either they don't see that they are uninvolved (e.g., working two jobs to pay the bills, etc.); or 2) they have other issues that are interfering with their ability to provide for their child emotionally (e.g., depression, substance abuse, etc.).  Providing support and encouragement without judgment is the most likely approach to encourage change. 

The final parenting style is authoritative.  Jim Fay and Foster Cline of  The Love and Logic Institute refer to parents who use this parenting style as consultants.  I actually prefer that label as I think it best describes the overall tone of this style.  Parents who use this style provide guidance and consultant services to their child.  They help him explore alternatives and then allows him to make his own decision.   This style actually encourages discussion.   The parenting style recognizes individual rights and choices.  What are some of the possible outcomes of the style?  Here are just a few:

• The child of a consultant parent is more likely to become competent, responsible, and independent.
• They are more likely to develop high self-esteem.
• They often demonstrate a greater capability to control aggression.
• Children of consultant parents rate themselves and score on objective measures as being more socially competent than those from the other parenting styles.

Doesn't it make sense that children of consultant parents would have high self-esteem?  The parents have allowed their children to make choices about things that affect them.  Giving choices sends the message "we know you can handle this" to the child.  If the most important role models in his life believe he can make good decisions, he will be more likely to internalize that belief himself.  It makes sense that children of consultant parents are often found to be more social competent as they have had more experience negotiating with their parents which is an important skill for social success.

So, have you figured out where you fall on the parent style continuum?  If not, you can go take this parenting style quiz.  I hope that you have found this information helpful.  It is important to recognize our parenting style preferences and the effect it has on our children.  Only with insight can we make changes if needed.