Sibling rivalry - steps to help with a new arrival

A sibling relationship is usually the longest interpersonal relationship a person will have in their lifetimes. Few other people in your life will know you, especially so closely, from nearly the time of your birth until, hopefully, nearly the time of your death.

While many adults do not get

 
Before the birth

Prepare children early on with positive interactions which can begin even during the pregnancy with touching mum's tummy and talking to the new baby inside.

Children will be fascinated by the idea that their new brother or sister is inside mom's tummy. Of course, how to prepare children will depend on their age.

Children under two years will genarlly not understand much of what is going on. Speak in simple terms about the baby in mum's tummy so that your child knows there is someone in there and soon to arrive into the family.

Older children will want to know more, explaining the growth of the baby inside mum's tummy and that the imminent arrival is good. Perhaps show a few photos from the questioning child's early days - including pregnancy, ultra-sound and the hospital (not too graphic!).

If you decide to find out the gender of the new baby, then naming and gender referencing as well as family viewing of ultrasound photos may be useful.

Avoid stories such as "the stork is bringing you a new brother or sister" as these are not constructive to your child's better understanding.

It is a good idea for dad to spend a bit more time than usual with the older sibling in the weeks preceding the birth so that when mum is at the hospital, tired, breast-feeding, or just spending time with the new baby, spending a lot of time with dad isn't a new experience and jealousy will be less of a factor.

After the new arrival

Be prepared for children to be jealous of a new sibling, particularly of the attention the new baby gets from mum.

Try to ensure that mum and dad are equally involved in caring for all the children, then the transition is less stressful for older siblings.  Try to involve older siblings as much as possible with the care of the new baby, depending on their capabilities. Most children will be fascinated to help (with close supervision) in holding and feeding but don't worry if your older child tires of this or does not show interest; never let the older child feel responsible for the care of the new baby. Research has found that forcing an older child to care for a younger sibling while he or she is still dealing with changes in the parent-child relationship may engender resentment towards the younger sibling as well as the parents.

A small gift at the time of the birth may be a good idea (if the older sibling is very young you could say it is from the new baby), but remember that gifts will not substitute for affection and time spent with the older sibling.

Make sure your older child feels valued and loved, and be understanding with temper tantrums and emotional outbursts. Continue being firm, but help your child talk about his or her feelings.

Later on

An older child will often try to cling on to baby like activities (eg keeping the pacifier/dummy longer than normal, being more complicated with potty training).  Be patient because a child will soon realise that acting like a baby isn't really so much fun.  If your child is taking too long to get out of this "acting like a baby phase" then suggest an experiement in discussion with the older sibling that you restrict him/her to baby rules - (no walking, no talking, have to take naps, etc).  The older child will soon realise the benefits of acting a little more grown up.

Try to spend plenty of one-on-one time with your younger sibling as they tend to be a bit forgotten in all the "family togetherness" of several siblings.