I believe that, because the way in which a child is treated and spoken to changes who that child is, and the adult he becomes, we can change the world by changing the way children are treated.
People talk about raising children.
We are in fact
not raising children, we are raising adults.
I don’t mean that children should be treated as little adults – I mean that it’s important to remember that everything we do and say contributes to the adult that child will become.
When I plant a seed for an apple tree, I am not growing a sapling; I am growing an apple tree. I am expecting that seed to grow, first into a sapling, and then, over time, I am expecting it to grow into a fully-grown apple tree. So, although it may be a sapling right now, if asked I will say that I am growing an apple tree.
Sometimes we forget that we are raising adults not children. They are currently children, but the end goal of nurturing, caring for, and guiding our children is a healthy, happy, well-adjusted, well-prepared, fabulous adult with the best chance in life we can manage to give them.
We can really give our children the best start by looking ahead regarding our discipline and teaching choices.
The methods we use to encourage the behaviour and attitude we desire in our children, will have an effect on who that child becomes as an adult. Everything we teach - either directly or by example - will contribute to that adult.
Everyday discipline methods and the way in which a child is spoken to will all contribute to the adult that child becomes.
I believe the way in which these issues are handled can translate to: career, finance and relationships, for the adult that child becomes.
Here is an excerpt from the book “10 Simple Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behaviour” which demonstrates how one of the smallest and “unnoticeable” of comments can change the future prospects of a child. If the following style of speaking to this child is a habit (and I’m certain the mum doesn’t realize she does it), it’s possible this child will make entirely different financial, career and relationship choices than he would if he were spoken to differently.
Excerpt: “As mentioned earlier, most of the time we are unaware of what our faces are doing. We are also sometimes unaware of our automatic reactions to various situations. Some of us even believe at times that our children switch off their senses for moments when we speak about them or others. I have heard parents swear in front of their children, and genuinely believe the child doesn’t register it.
The worst aspect about this “unconscious” behaviour is that, when the child models the parent, the parent often responds with surprise, anger, indignation, and even disgust. ….
When Max asked his mother if he could wear his snorkel in the bath so he could pretend he was in the sea, she said “Don’t be ridiculous!” A few days later, when Max’s mother asked him if he wanted to play rugby, he answered “Don’t be ridiculous!” His mother’s response took him completely by surprise! She was furious and told him not to be cheeky.
The message Max was to receive gradually was: Others are allowed to speak to me with disrespect, but I must always speak to them with respect. Conclusion: I am not as important as others = I am not worthy.
Unless Max is treated differently, there’s a strong chance he will grow up with a developing sense of “undeserving” (amongst other things) which could affect his ability, as an adult to:
- find and appreciate healthy relationships
- earn the wage he deserves
- become financially secure
- achieve a successful career”
It may be difficult to see how this is possible. It may seem absurd and exaggerated. Let me explain the logic behind it…
Of course, the “Don’t be ridiculous” on its own does not appear to be damaging - especially if it’s not said in an angry tone. But combined with being told off for using it himself, and if this is a regular way of communicating that Max’s mother is unaware of, Max, as a child, can’t help but subconsciously develop feelings of unworthiness. And these feelings can snowball. As he goes to school, if he has a foundation feeling of unworthiness, he will be displaying that feeling outwardly, which can lead to his being treated in that way – which will increase and confirm his feelings of unworthiness, and so it spirals until it is a strong and solid part of his personality, and will then naturally affect all areas of his life.
Everything a child experiences contributes in some way to who he will become as an adult. For some, the effects will be stronger than others, but no-one can predict which child will be able to overcome which effects - no matter how well they know the child. The subconscious is illegible and unpredictable. So it’s not worth taking the chance – the stake is too high.
This doesn’t mean we have to be perfect or neurotic about every little thing.
If we simply remain aware of the styles of communication we use to (and in front of) our children - and adjust our regular discipline methods to take into consideration the long-term effect on the adult we are growing, we will change our children’s future immeasurably.
We can make the difference to our child’s financial, career, and relationship success.
How wonderful is that!
(October 2006) (
