Destructive and Cruel behaviour

Children that behave destructively or violently need to learn other behavioural strategies to manage their jelousy and anger.  They need to learn that there are alternatives to physical expressions of anger.  That they will be listened to and respected if they express themselves, explain what is making them angry. 

What is important is perhaps to reexamine your own ways of dealing with anger and frustration.  You must be a good role model.  That is why I am dead against spanking young children, especially children that are violent and disobedient.  It is only reconfirming that when you feel powerless, you should strike out.

This gets me back to an anlaysis I would like to offer for the behaviour.  Children often feel powerless, that everyone is controlling their lives, that they don't have a say in things, that they are not being listened to about their needs, that other siblings are better, getting more attention, etc..  It would be useful to analyse his behaviour to whether there are patterns.  In what situations does he exhibit the behaviour?  What are the events immediately before the behaviour (the triggers)?

Secondly, you have to decide on a couple of strategies you would like to teach your child so that he can manage his jealousy and anger.  That includes positive things like talking to an adult about his needs, what he wants, how he is feeling.  Talk to him about feeling angry, when he feels angry, what makes him angry.  Reward him when he expresses his needs, talks about his feelings.  On the negative side, you have to work out a method of punishing him for agressive behaviour and apply it immediately and consistently.  And I don't think spanking is a good idea at all. (It tends to spiral out of control, where you start with one, then three, then five--before you know it, he doesn't even care, and he has developed a pattern in his head that you should be violent with people that do something bad or what you don't like). 

One strategy that is often useful is using a simple monetary system.  If a child is polite, expresses his needs rather than lashing out, does not behave destructively--then he receives a small amount of money (keep the amount small).  Give him his own wallet and get him to put the money in a wallet.  Don't let his siblings near it.  When he behaves badly, you remove a fixed amount, of course after a warning.  Remember that he can't keep a score for much longer than a morning of a day.  Every day is a new day.  You can't carry over a negative score from the day before.  Tell him that he can use the money at the end of a month to buy a toy that he would like.

Introduce him to the system and keep the rules very simple.  It's a game.  Give him the wallet and make something out of giving him an initial deposit.  It's a little gift to him cause you love him and he's a good boy.  Then explain that you would like him to tell you when he is feeling angry and wants to hit someone or damage something..... IF he does that, you will reward him with a coin. "   IF by the end of a day, he has not behaved violently or destructively, then you reward him with a coin.  Llet him put the money in the wallet.  Explain also that if he hits someone or damages something, then you will take a coin from him and that he will not receive his coin for good behaviour.

Try that.

Consider also the following: As children get older, parents must be adjusting the level of control and authority they give to their children and learn to show respect for their child's boundaries and personal authority.  Spanking and yelling are abuses of power and are disrepectful of the child's boundaries, it's a form of abuse.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that you can't react emotionally to your child's behaviour and be upset, disappointed, and angry.  The only problem is that children have only a limited ability to relate to other people's emotions, particularly parents' emotions.  They only see actions as behaviour, actions and reactions.  Nor do they have any complex understanding of consequences. It is important that children develop boundaries and self-determination, as it helps them enormously as teenagers and adults.  So remember to repsect his right to control parts of his life, to have a say in things, to be listened to.

Good luck!

Wombat