Divorce and Consistency

In this day and age divorce is far more common than it ever was.  More than half of all marriages now end in divorce.  Divorce can be a messy thing, even more so when children are involved.  But it is imperative that parents learn to still work together as much as possible when it comes to raising the children.  I realize that it is not in all cases feasible for parents to work cooperatively, but it could be made more possible if parents simply put in the effort. 

It is hard enough for children to live in two separate homes just to be with their parents but it is even harder when there are two completely different sets of rules for them to follow.  It is unfair to ask a child to behave one way in one home and act completely different while in another.  Should both houses have exactly the same rules, no of course no, they do not need to be carbon copy sets of rules. But the list of rules should come from the same set of basic principles.

Lets figure, no matter how you and your spouse (ex spouse) feel about each other now, at one point in time you loved each other enough to make a child together.  Now that you can’t work it out to keep the marriage together, you should at least make an attempt at working together to develop some consistency for your children who are also going through this divorce and the aftermath with you. (Again I realize that in certain circumstances this is not always possible)

It is important for the parents to sit down and discuss how they would like the children to be raised (in best case scenarios this would have been done before the children were born as well as during the child rearing as a couple.) Discuss what types of rules you would like them to follow and come to a compromise about some things. Remember it’s for your children, put your own differences aside.

I know there are many people out there who live by the “its my house so it will be my way” and I understand the feelings behind that thought process.  But if you think for one second that does not have a negative effect on children…think again.  Let me tell you about a fifteen year old girl that I used to work with.  She had a pretty fairy tale life, she was in the top 10 percentile in her class, always worked hard, and had everything she ever needed.  Except for one thing, consistency between her two homes after her parents divorce.  She now lives in a group-home, her parents could not handle her out of control behaviour any more.  It is only after their daughter became a 15 year old cocaine addict, performing sexual favours in order to obtain the drugs that they realized the importance of being consistent with regards to dealing with her.  She could not handle having to act like two different people and having two sets of expectations since she was a small child.  This is only one example of many children that I have worked with.  So please, when divorce is inevitable, please keep the children and their futures in mind when it comes to parenting in two separate homes.