Out of control (16 month boy)

In response to your description of a young 16-month boy that is disobedient, out of control, and self-destructive.  What can I do?

There are really only two dimensions to the psychological needs of young children: attention (love, contact, etc) and control (boundaries).  From what you have written, he

My advice after having looked after boys at this age as a nanny and two of my own children is that you need to take a fresh look at his relationships with both his mother and father and his sister.  Try and see things from his eyes.  Is his day organised and structured?  Does he know what is happening next?  Does he get plenty of attention and support?  Is he having to deal with lots of changes in routine, place and people?  Has he realised that his sister is your favourite?  You may benefit from having someone from outside the family observing your interactions for a day.

Remember that he is going through the frustration of the pre-talking age.  He has a growing desire to control the world around him, but he is limited to physical expressions.  He doesn't have the ability to control the world as much as he would like.  The best way to help him is to provide a routine and structured daily life in which he knows what to expect.  Kids in this age are irritated and can react to powerlessness by acting violently and compulsively. 

Finally, he maybe trying to communicate with you in his own way.  Try to explore whether there is something that he wants, doesn't like.  Begin to involve him in things and ask him questions.  He might begin to realise that he will be listened to and taken seriously.  He must be able to say no.  Accepting his no as his right as a child is an important boundary that parents have to learn to respect.  (My personal opinion is that you should forget the spanking.  Its a form of abuse.  Powerless parents must stay in control.  They don't do that by resorting to violence.)

Good luck

Wombat