Living with Postnatal Depression.

I have been thinking about writing some advice for a while but to be honest I couldn't think of anything to write as I felt that as a mother to a 2 year old and her being my only child that I didn't really have enough experience to be advicing

I knew that there was something wrong from about 3 weeks after having Amy, up until then I thought that feeling down and desperate was just my hormones and lack of sleep but there were other more serious things going on in my mind such as I could just walk out and leave her with her dad and she would be fine and that she didn't need me and I was a useless mother and more disturbingly I could leave her in a church or on someones doorstep and she would be looked after then I could go away and commit suicide.

Believe it or not I didn't act on things there and then I left what I was feeling to oneside and coped as everyone expected me too but when I was alone with Amy all I would do was cry, I was feeling so alone and was very envious of my husband going out to work and getting sometime out that I held this against him and we argued all the time and on one occassion I chucked him out, he didn't go just begged me to let him stay.

In the U.K you have a midwife visit for the first ten days after coming home then a health visitor. The first time my health visitor came to see us she explained that they ask you to do a questionairre on how you are feeling (this is then scored and the higher you score the most likely you are suffering from depression) I read the questionairre through, it had questions such as when was the last time you cried? Have you had any thoughts about harming yourself/baby? so all Idid was lie, I scored a medium score and was told I was fine of course I knew different.

It wasn't until my depression started to show through physical symtoms that I couldn't control that I got help. I started to have serious panic attacks when ever I was out in public, my heart would race, I would go hot, my breathing would pick up and my fingers would tingle, I felt faint and then would burst into tears these panic attacks were terrifying so much so that I was put on tranquilisers which I decided I couldn't take as it made me spaced out and it was difficult to look after Amy. Through all this my hubby was fantastic but he had to take time out of work to help me cope this led to him losing his job and because I was the one that dealt with the finances in our house our home came under threat as we fell into rent arrears.

We are now getting lots of help from my G.P and our local council and I'm glad to say I am now much better although not completely through it. At this point you may be asking yourself where the advice is well its here if you are feeling low and depressed, deparate and finding it hard to cope please please please go and see your doctor they can help and that doesn't mean just drugs thay can taylor the help to you and your needs. Also don't feel like I did that it makes you a bad mother and someone will take your child away this will not happen, all professions will do their best to help you and to keep the children where they belong with their parents.

I hope some of my experience helps someone to go and get the help they deserve, be strong for yourself and your child/ren and evetually there is a light in that black hole.