I have a really good friend who has devoted his life to working with kids.  No matter what job he had--as a youth worker, a camp counselor or event organizer--it seemed to me that the kids he interacted with were often positive, playful and pleasant to be around.  I asked him to tell me why he thought that was the case. His answer?  "We have a No Hassle Policy.  We treat kids like people.  If we want their behaviors to change, we make a specific request without giving them a hard time.  The kids we're working with understand that we like them and that we respect them, and it helps everyone cooperate when we're working under that premise."

I've thought about that conversation many times in the course of my parenting career, and I've found the No Hassle Policy to be one of the most effective tools in my toolbox.  Here are five scenarios where the No Hassle Policy comes in handy:

• Getting ready for school.   The morning routine goes much better when I make gentle requests instead of barking orders.  Taking a deep breath, getting down to eye level and asking gently, "Buddy, would you please go upstairs and get your shoes on as fast as you can?" goes over much better than yelling, "We're going to be late!  Hurry up!"  I don't like being rushed, and my kids don't either.
  
• Dealing with forgotten jackets, notebooks, backpacks and the like.  I can model lecturing or problem-solving--the choice is up to me.  While guilt-tripping and giving speeches comes very naturally to me, I find that we get much closer to the missing item when I let go of assigning blame.  By refusing to hassle, I make space to work with my child to not only find what is lost, but to come up with a plan for safekeeping special items in the future. 
  
• Lobbying for peace and quiet.  The No Hassle Policy means that kids get to be kids.  When the noise level gets too high in the house, No Hassle parents redirect kids' energy without giving anyone a hard time.  Invitations to play outside, switch games or go to a different part of the house can be delivered without hysteria.  No one likes being given a hard time--no matter what the situation.  I'm still in the learning curve on this one!
• Handling poor school performance.  Most children are aware that doing poorly in school comes with a hefty price tag.  Parents are disappointed; teachers apply more pressure.  It's not fun for anyone.  Shaming kids adds insult to injury and diminishes confidence.  The No Hassle Policy makes space for you to accept the situation and let your kid know that together you can work it out.  Kids are relieved when we show them they are worthy of respect and acceptance even when the circumstances are less than ideal.
• Settling in for bed.   The best way to intervene in a hijacked bedtime situation is to turn off the remote control parenting and get up close and personal with the offending parties.  I can yell up the stairs, "I told you guys to go to sleep!" or I can go upstairs and whisper with a smile on my face, "Let me tuck you in one last time!"  No one needs to be hassled at bedtime, and sometimes nighttime shenanigans are the wild one's way of saying "Let's connect" before turning out the lights.

Learning how to love and respect my children--even when they are having a hard time following through with the program--is one of my greatest challenges as a parent.  I'm learning that when I can adopt the "No Hassle" Policy, we are all happier.  When I shelve nagging, blaming and yelling, we get closer to the goal.  If I can remember to give my children the same respect I give other adults--when was the last time you yelled, "I'm sick and tired of waiting for you!" at a grownup?--everyone is better off, and we can begin the work of learning how to get things done together hassle-free.