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Helping Little Children Make Big Transitions |
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by jenlemen  (October 2006) (rank 17th) |
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I just need some advice, My daughter is very set in her ways, and everything that is new, has to be her idea! ( I am also trying to talk her into using her new bed because her toddler bed is way too small, she falls off all the time! this is just another example of her unwillingness to accept new ways)Well she refuses to go to daycare!! She insists that she is NOT going to school!!!!! She wants her "Auntie Ninnie" to babysit her FOREVER!! We've both been trying to talk to her about how she will make friends and learn new stuff to show us, everything but she won't have anything to do with it!!! I don't know what to do, because it's getting to be that time, when she is old enough to go and my sister isn't as available to sit for me anymore! What do I do?
Some children feel transitions very deeply. Just like many adults, kids express their apprehension about change by complaining, worrying and downright refusing to take the next step. By helping them acknowledge the big emotions under the surface of life changes, we can ease them into new routines little by little. Here are five steps you can take to help your daughter make the transition between caregivers.
- Give her her heart's desire in a wish. In the face of disappointment, we all need a chance to have our longings be heard. Resist the urge to argue the logic of her position, and give her her best case scenario in a wish instead. "I wish Auntie Ninnie could be your babysitter forever, too. That would be so nice." Try to restate her position as many different ways as you can--"I can see you're really wishing you could stay with Ninnie longer"--without evaluating or judging her point of view. You'll know you're getting somewhere when she is less defiant and more honestly sad about the change ahead. Be sure to offer language to help her express her feelings of disappointment, anger and sadness.
- Make a plan to celebrate all the good times she's had with her babysitter. You can help her acknowledge how much this change means to her by taking her seriously about the attachment she's formed so far. Help her choose a favorite picture to give to her babysitter as a parting present. If at all possible, make plans to do something special together--you, your child and your sitter. Emphasize the good times you've had in addition to how much she's changed and grown during their time together. Write down her exact words in a letter letting her caregiver know how much she's loved being with her. Sometimes we can't say goodbye until we've expressed our appreciation.
- Help her get ready to say goodbye. Arrange for her to make a little album of memories with her babysitter that she can take to her new school. Ask your child and her babysitter to help you make a list of all the things her new teacher needs to know about her routines and preferences. By including her in the process, you let her know that she is an active participant in the transition. Decide on a final day with her current caregiver; assure her further contact will be possible later on when she's established her routine at her new school.
- Let her help you prepare for her new daycare. Show her on the calendar when she will have her last day at her babysitter's and her first day at daycare. Let her keep track of the days by putting stickers on the calendar. Plan one fun "get ready for daycare" activity every day for the last three days before she starts going to daycare. Activities can include selecting a new lunchbox, buying new shoes or selecting a new lovey to take along. If at any point in the process, she is resistant or defiant, reiterate her point of view, give her fantasy in a wish and gently redirect her to the task at hand. Each complaint is an opportunity to process her sadness and make space for a new beginning. Use humor and playfulness to keep daycare conversations cheerful and light.
Taking this approach will require more time, but more time may be just the thing to help the transition go smoothly. I am always amazed at how necessary this process is with my oldest child as well as how much it pays off to take the time to help her adjust. As she is getting older, I'm glad to see little signs that she can take the initiative to do some of these things on her own in order to manage her own emotions around difficult transitions. We still have times when transitions do not go as smoothly as planned, but we are both building strategies for managing change--a skill that pays off no matter how old you are.
